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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
kitkate Offline
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Girl who hates me... - May 11th 2010, 11:25 PM

Long-time lurker, first-time poster This is gonna be long, sorry!

Well, here we go. So there's a girl at my school who absolutely hates my guts, because she thinks I'm in love with her boyfriend. (I'm not, for the record.) Let's call her Anna. Anyway, Anna is reasonably popular, but she's also kind of nuts and mean. Not in that stereotypical head cheerleader way (I'm from Australia - things don't really work like that here), but in that she has clinical depression, and is kind of...bi-polar in terms of her behaviour. One day she'll be really nice, and the next she'll act as though you're dirt. But this is how she's been for years. Then, when I met and became friends with her boyfriend, Ben (they've been going out for nearly a year I think?), she became ‘CERTAIN’ that I was crazy about him.

The problems that arose from this are: she's gossiped about me behind my back (particularly telling everyone that I liked him - a flat-out lie that she had no evidence of), friends of hers are now a little colder to me, and she's just generally a jerk (not overtly, but she certainly makes it clear that I am less than the gum stuck to her shoe).

Apart from being generally acidic/rude to me (it depends on her mood!), she also takes every chance she gets while I’m around her to talk about Ben. I understand why, I mean, she’s sort of marking her territory and establishing her ownership of the poor boy, but it irritates me. It’s not so much the fact that she’s rubbing it in – because there’s nothing to actually rub in, I’m glad Ben has her because she makes him happy, and love is awesome, however much I may not understand it at times – but the fact that she does it because she thinks it’ll annoy me. I don’t care that you’re dating! I just care that you hate me and want me to suffer even though you’re a bit misguided as to the justification for said suffering!

This, in and of itself, wouldn't be much to worry about - typical stupid high school drama, right? Unfortunately it's complicated by a few things. I went through depression for a little over a year and have only recently conquered it (hooray therapy!), and having someone hate me so much kind of reminds me why I hate/hated myself. It's also made me realize that I'm still quite emotionally fragile - I'm much happier, which is awesome, but I can still be shoved down surprisingly easily. And the way she acts towards me - it's not exactly a bouquet of friendliness – will usually bring me down, if only a little.

Secondly, I kind of understand where she's coming from. Back when I was all depressedy, if I had found something or someone that made me happy, and suddenly something threatened that happiness, I would want to smother it out and kill it. Kill it DEAD. And she's been depressed for a lot longer than I ever was. Oh I should add that Ben and I have a lot in common, so I understand why she could perceive me as a threat - but really, it's such an irrational fear, because he really loves her.

And thirdly, Anna and I have some very significant mutual friends - they're twins, actually. They're two of my best friends, but they're also close with her. They've acknowledged that she's not really a nice person, but she's funny and entertaining and they feel they can excuse a lot of her behaviour due to the extent of her emotional problems. Which I actually agree with for the most part - I've been there, and I know how blown out of proportion everything can get. They've actually yelled at her to be nicer to me a couple of times - which is lovely of them - because they know how much she can upset me. (She’s a pretty intimidating person, honestly. I know many people who agree.) But now she just doesn't mention me to them. (Their advice has been to try and ignore her, because ‘that’s just what she’s like,’ but unfortunately I see her all the time and have a few classes with her (one would be too many, honestly.)

Another minor factor is that Ben played an important role in my recovery (along with many other things, obviously - but he helped a lot just by being around). He’s a really good friend and honestly one of the most awesome people I know. I'm not worried about losing him, but I know the conflict between his girlfriend and I must be...awkward, to say the least. And I'm not sure what to do about Anna. I know I can't make her like me, but it's hard to have someone feel so negatively about me when I just started learning how to be positive again. It's not like I'm about to go off the rails or anything, but this is stressing me out a bit. The tension between us is pretty thick – and I think a lot of it is our respective close relationships with Ben and the twins. I really wish I understood her.

Hopefully I’ve made some actual sense here – I have a FIERCE tendency to ramble – and managed to not sound like a completely melodramatic idiot

Any advice/comments would be appreciated.
   
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Re: Girl who hates me... - May 12th 2010, 01:05 AM

Hello, Kate, and welcome to TeenHelp! I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to reach out to us.

That's a tough situation... I've never been in your shoes, but I've certainly been in Anna's shoes! In regards to being possessive of "my boy", that is. I've been in a long-distance relationship for over three and a half years, and it was VERY difficult for me to NOT hate my boyfriend's female friends' guts. It didn't matter if they were pretty or plain, single or taken, straight or bi/lesbian... I HATED THEM ALL. xD It took me about a year to get over the majority of my insecurities... and given Anna's mental illness, I'm not surprised that she's still dealing with insecurities regarding Ben. I'm sure you're smart, beautiful, and an all-around wonderful person to be around. Even if Ben were to say "I love you" several times per day, she would probably STILL despise you.

So what can you do? Unfortunately, not much. You could try talking to her (either one-on-one or with Ben present), explaining that you are JUST FRIENDS. Don't tell her that she's crazy, or irrational, or that she doesn't have anything to worry about... that will just tick her off, or make her feel childish, and she'll only hate you even more for saying things like that. Try emphasizing that Ben loves her... that as his friend, you can SEE how much he loves her. If Ben is present, he can affirm your statement. Tell her that you don't want her to feel threatened, but that you want her to be more comfortable about your friendship with Ben. Together, the two (or three) of you may be able to work something out. It's important that she not feel attacked/ganged up on by you, Ben, and your mutual friends... but it's also important that you be able to maintain your friendship with Ben.

I do want to say one more thing: ANYONE in your position would feel "emotionally fragile", if someone was actively attacking you for no logical reason. I understand that you are at a slight disadvantage, due to your history of depression... but part of overcoming (or coping with) depression is identifying what is and is not "normal". For example, it is normal to be upset by conflicts among family members, friends, etc. It is normal to feel a tinge of worthlessness, when you are constantly reminded that someone thinks you are worse than the gum on the bottom of their shoe. Because all of these feelings are "normal", you need to remind yourself that these are feelings that CAN be dealt with in a healthy manner. This situation is complicated, but it is far from hopeless. Anna may not ever let up... but you can find ways to relieve the tension, at least on your end. There will always be people in your life who will hate you (or at least not like you). Find ways to shrug that off, and stay focused on what you know to be true: you're an amazing person, and Anna's opinion of you ISN'T going to change that in your mind!





   
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Re: Girl who hates me... - May 12th 2010, 07:15 AM

Thanks for replying, Robin. That was really helpful.

I do understand where she’s coming from, even if I don’t understand her. Jealousy can be like a cancer, and I think everyone’s realized that at one time or another.

And yeah, I didn’t think there was much in the way of options with this one. I’ve thought about talking to Anna, but I can get ridiculously tongue-tied around her. Wit, sarcasm and confidence on her side – rambling and nervous laughter on mine. Also talking to Anna with Ben there would probably make it seem like he was taking my side. The only thing I can think of is Facebook emailing her, but that might seem cowardly? Hahaha, I’m a big fan of slabs of text, as you can probably tell.

Other than that I might just leave it and try to move on, I guess. Apart from the mutual friends, we’re not exactly in the same social circles. You’re right, what Anna thinks shouldn’t change how I feel about myself.
   
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Re: Girl who hates me... - May 12th 2010, 08:14 PM

If you talking to her doesn't work, try getting her next closest friend or relation to talk to her. That would be Ben. It might or it might not work. Just like you've noticed, your twin friends talking to her has helped, so asking Ben to talk to her should...

Im not clear from what you've written though... is she or is she not depressed herself? She doesn't sound depressed, if you say she has friends and is popular... nonetheless it's still possible. If she is depressed it's probably gonna be harder to get through or convince her.

I take it you still have other friends, the twins you mention, Ben, etc etc. Stay close to them. There will always be people similar to Anna around, everywhere you go. Ive got my own share of stupidity at my end over here right now lol, it really is nothing personal against you the way. She could be just as easily doing it to someone else who is friends with Ben.


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Then politics doesn't care about you either. Truth. You've got to make your voice heard, if you want to be listened to. But that's too logical for some people, so let me go a step further. Not making your voice heard, leaves other people free to hijack it by speaking on your behalf, even if they don't actually give a shit about you. That's politics. So, make your voice heard. That's not a quote from anywhere. That's just me.


   
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Re: Girl who hates me... - May 13th 2010, 05:41 AM

You be a good person to her. Just be good and when you possibly can re-assure her that you are not after her boyfriend. And avoid spending alone time with him so that she doesn't become suspicious.


I came here to help out, so if you wanna talk or just need someone to bounce ideas or issues off of or something else then send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can.
   
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Re: Girl who hates me... - May 13th 2010, 04:05 PM

@BDF Yeah, Anna has depression, which obviously makes this a lot harder to deal with. I’m not sure I want people to talk to her on my behalf – it’s not really fair on them, and it probably won’t change how she feels about me (even if it does make her change her behaviour). But you’re right; there’ll probably always be someone around who doesn’t like me. Such is life :P Thank you.


@Jacksonian Thanks, I’m trying to be polite without being annoyingly friendly.
   
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