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Big changes.... and I'm scared. - June 25th 2010, 04:32 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have lived with my mom for about a year now. In that year she has screamed and yelled at me, threatened to kick me out a few times, constantly reminds me that there is a door from which I came, and we have gotten into one physical conflict.

When I moved in I knew it was going to be hard work. My mom isn't exactly the happiest person, in fact I think she rather enjoys being miserable. I hadn't lived with my mother since I was 13 (I am now 21). Her house is awful. She has animals that poop and pee everywhere, clothes and garbage on the floor. When I first moved in the kitchen floor wasn't even visible, there was too much debris. I knew these things would happen. I just thought she was overwhelmed and needed help, and I needed a place to stay so I could go to college.

I clean, I am the only one that cleans really. I don't like dishes but she neglects them. She cooks sometimes but not always. I have two little brothers that live here as well, ages 11 and 13. I really reallllyyy do not like doing dishes, so I don't do them. I try to clean but I will spend the whole day cleaning up one room, go to bed, wake up and start cleaning the next, and by the end of the day there are clothes and garbage all over the room I had just cleaned! How do they make so much clutter?!

And then when I confront my mother about the animals or the state of the house, she gets defensive and tells me if I don't like it to leave. One time I got so frustrated I went into my room and knocked some things off of my dresser, she came into my room and grabbed me by my hair and started yelling and screaming at me and yanked me around my room. Even though I was completely in the right to defend myself if I wished, I didn't because she is my mother! And then sometimes she will get a wild hair up her butt and demand that I clean something or do dishes, and she says I'm lazy and all I do is talk on the phone or play on the computer. Me? She sometimes sits on the computer for so long playing games that she forgets to cook dinner or put my brothers to bed, or she is too lazy to get up in the morning and get my little brothers to school.

DCFS has been called on her many times but somehow manages to find her way around it and keep my little brothers with her. I've decided I can't take it anymore, she doesn't want my help and I am miserable here. I have started cutting again since moving here, and tried to commit suicide once but it didn't work at all. Even though college is very important to me and I LOVE the college I am currently going to, I have to leave. My mental, emotional, and physical health and wellbeing is at risk here.

My boyfriend has offered me a place to stay with him. One problem. I am in Chicago and he is all the way in Kansas. It is not that I don't love him or have any reason to doubt I would be unhappy with him, he treats me well and I adore him with all my heart, but it is a BIG change. I have never lived so far away from friends or family and am afraid of being alone, even though he will be with me, and his friends are awesome and I adore them as well, I am terrified. Not so much of anything specific as just the unknown. I know this is what is best for me, there are even colleges nearby him that I will be able to continue my education with, even if the credits don't transfer I have only completed three classes and don't mind repeating them.

I guess I just need some encouragement. My friends tell me I am crazy to move so far away from home, but they don't understand my home life. I try to explain to them and they think it is funny, stuff from the movies. I hate that about them. THESE THINGS HAPPEN AND THEY ARE REAL!

I feel like a traitor, like I am abandoning my family. But I know it isn't my responsibility to comfort and guide my mother, nor should she treat me this way. My brothers don't deserve to live like this either but I don't know what else I can do for them. DCFS won't do anything! One of my older brothers told me that is why he refuses to stay here and that he doesn't see anything wrong with me leaving, but I still feel so bad!


if rain brings winds of change
then let it rain on us forever

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Re: Big changes.... and I'm scared. - June 25th 2010, 05:18 PM

Hello, Tiffany.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. =( I know what it's like to live with a miserable, verbally abusive mother. If I could have left when I was 13, I would have... but the courts gave her custody over me, and I had to stay there until I was 18 (best birthday present ever - to grab my stuff and GET OUT the moment I woke up that day).

I know it's difficult to choose... but in the end, you need to do what's best for your physical, emotional, and mental health. This may be your dream college... but I'm going to say what you already know: it's not worth living with this monster you call "mom". A college is just a college. Sure, you may enjoy the curriculum more, or you may have better internship opportunities... but there are plenty of people who go through community/state college and excel in their line of work. It's not the degree that makes you successful... it's your willingness to work hard. The fact that you tried so hard to make things work at your mom's house tells me that you'll be able to achieve great things, no matter where you are.

With that being said, I'm all for your moving to Kansas, or somewhere that doesn't involve living with an abusive individual. I don't see it as a sign of betrayal, either to your mom or to your siblings. The only one who has done any betraying to the family is your mom, so don't feel guilty because of what SHE'S done. I would also call DCFS again, explaining who you are and what the situation is like at home. DO NOT tell your mom, and tell DCFS that if they give your mom a head's up, she just pull the wool over their eyes like she always has in the past. A "surprise" visit to the house would give them a more accurate picture of what life is like for your siblings. Messiness is one thing... having urine and feces all over the house is hazardous to your siblings' health.





   
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Re: Big changes.... and I'm scared. - June 26th 2010, 07:41 PM

Thank you. I am set on my decision now, but broke the new to my mom. First she was angry, yelling. Now she is crying and begging me not to go... but I don't know what to tell her. I told her why I was leaving and that just made her angry.


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Re: Big changes.... and I'm scared. - June 29th 2010, 06:42 AM

Your mother isn't going to "get" it until you follow through with your threat, and leave her. Once you're gone, she'll have plenty of time to think about how her actions have pushed you away... and the only person she'll have the right to be angry with is herself. Then, and only then, can the two of you begin to repair your relationship. Until then, you're not a *real* person... you're less than that, something that can be pushed around without any consequences arising. She needs to realize that there ARE consequences, and that you ARE human, with a will of your own and the power to live your life however you please.





   
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