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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Is my father abusive? What can I do? - July 10th 2010, 11:12 PM

My father has a big temper. Today, I was in the living room watching TV and he yelled at my sister and told her to "move her ****" off the couch. He then told me to change the channel, and I told him that I was watching TV and he could watch it in his room. He then started screaming at me, calling me a "little ********" and told me to "get the **** out" so I ran upstairs to my mom. He then came running up the stairs after me, telling her he never cursed at me and that I'm just a little liar and a *****, and he started yelling at me and cursing at me in front of my mom, but said he was only cursing now because I'm lying. My mom knows that he does yell and curse at me, but she doesn't do anything about it. I stayed in the upstairs bathroom crying and he told my mom that if I didn't come downstairs he was going to throw me down the stairs so I ran downstairs into my room and stayed away from him.

Then tonight at dinner he went to hand my mom something even though I was sitting right there eating and he just pushed me out of the way like I wasn't even there. I asked him what the hell he was doing and he started screaming and cursing at me again. Even though my mom was watching the whole thing, he insisted that he never touched me, that I'm just a "little ******* liar" and just started cursing again.

I go away to college (I'm 18) but my Dad provides ALL the financial backing that enables me to go to school, and is paying for my apartment. Since it's the summer I'm home, but hopefully next summer I can stay at my apartment so I don't have to go home and I can only come home on holidays. I don't have any friends nearby that I can live with. He always makes threats like, "I'm going to bash your skull in" and he always seems to be yelling at me or threatening me in some way and I am honestly afraid to live here in case he loses his temper and seriously hurts me. I know I'm only here for two months, but what can I do to protect myself until I go back to school?



   
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Re: Is my father abusive? What can I do? - July 10th 2010, 11:27 PM

Hey there Kristin
It sounds like living with your dad is a really frightening experience, it's very brave of you to still be living there with him, even if you don't really have a choice.
Have you ever spoken to your mum about the way your dad treats you? Maybe if you could sit down together and talk she might agree to defend you when your dad gets upset.
Another thing you could try is talking to your dad. Have your mum or someone else there as a kind of moderator to make sure he doesn't lose his temper and hurt you and just talk to him. Tell him that you're honestly afraid to stay there and explain how you're feeling. It could be that he just has a real problem controlling his temper so maybe if he was in a good mood he could look into anger management sessions or speaking to a psychologist about why he acts the way he does, specifically towards you.
Your father does sound abusive but since he's not regularly attacking you or seriously injuring you and mostly just shouting, I don't think Social Services would really do much since to them, you're not in much danger.
Hopefully you guys will be able to work this out and it'll be possible for you to at least be able to stay for the rest of the summer without getting hurt.
Alternatively, you could try to get involved in sports or clubs, going out with friends or spending time studying in your local library to keep you out of the house for a while so you're out of his way.
I hope at least some of this was of some help to you.
Good luck with it and take care of yourself

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Re: Is my father abusive? What can I do? - July 11th 2010, 12:19 AM

That's definitely abusive. Remember, abusive isn't ALWAYS being physical. You can also be emotionally and mentally abused, which is what he's doing to you. Do you have grandparents, or an aunt or uncle you could stay with? Just tell your parents you're going back to college to stay with a friend or something, and instead go stay with a family member. If he continues this or ever hurts you physically in any way, call the police or social services.



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Re: Is my father abusive? What can I do? - July 11th 2010, 12:33 AM

Social services was involved when I was 15-16 but since he wasn't physically hurting me then they didn't do much, just gave me counseling which didn't really help because my Dad would still yell and curse at me and they just sat there and listened and I told them I was afraid and they offered to have my Dad sit and talk but he refused and said I was the one that had the problem and needed counseling so they just listened to him because I self-harmed for six years before then because I couldn't take living at home and I needed an escape (I've stopped now.)

My mom has no other family and my Dad has basically cut himself off from everyone else so I can't stay with them because I don't know them. And my mom "yells" at him sometimes but then he's mean to her too so it doesn't help much because my mom is really sick and he pays all the medical bills. There's no way for her to get out of the situation, the only way I can is to go back to school...this would be a lot easier if the time would just go faster. =/



   
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