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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Kate_Madison Offline
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Is this normal?? - August 29th 2010, 09:00 AM

Okay so I've got a younger sister. She's 14 and going into high school.
Now I know little siblings, especially sisters like to try on and take their older siblings clothes and jewelery and make up and what not but this is out of control.
So it started off as her just seeing my black tight skirt and stealing it for a day or taking my new tank top or something along those lines. It kinda irritated me but I said to her, could you at least ask first? and then return whatever you take washed and in a few days. (not unreasonable right?)
She just didn't get that. She just kept taking and taking and then just not giving them back until I went and demanded what she'd taken (I wouldn't even notice something was gone until I wanted to wear it) and she would be like oh and give it to me unwashed and kinda gross. And I was like "next time tell me before you take it and at least wash it!" But nope. Same pattern. So I'd be like "did you take anything? because if you did I just would like it back now. I'm not gonna get pissed I just need it now". And she'd go to her room and give it back.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS OUT OF HAND
So recently there has been A LOT more stealing and not just that but she takes stuff and then hides it in my room when shes done with it. Dirty and like stashed behind my bookcase. (Idk why maybe to make it seem like it somehow got there and that's how come I couldn't find it). But it's just getting so frustrating. She still doesn't ask, she invades my personal space and no matter how many times my mother finds out and tells her not to, she does it again. And again. She traded one of my skirts for a purse. It wasn't hers to take and certainty not hers to trade. It's not like my mum doesn't buy her nice things (she does) but she always seems to want mine. She takes and hides. And it's not just like a skirt or top, it's my underwear, it's my bras, it's my jewelry. Like this is so serious I'm thinking of locking my closet with all my electronics, jewelry, clothing everything!

I don't know what to do or why she's doing this. HELP??

SORRY FOR THE LONG POST BUT REALLY? Please and thank you!!


KATE
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Is this normal?? - August 30th 2010, 04:35 AM

I have heard of sisters taking their sisters clothes all the time. My best friend does it with her sister all the time but not to this extreme.
I would suggest that you tell your mom she is still at it and not only that maybe talk to your mom and tell her to do something more than just telling her to stop.
I hate to suggest this and I would hate for you to have to do it but maybe buy a new door knob for your door with a lock on it where you have to have a key to unlock it and when your not in your room lock your door so she can't get things.

You are by no means being unreasonable. I would also say just go into her room and just take back what is yours, you do have that right because it is your things. Not hers.


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Re: Is this normal?? - August 30th 2010, 04:46 AM

I used to take clothes from my older sister too but I did ask and returned it after I guess it is normal that little sisters want to be like their big sisters and dress like them I actually still borrow my sisters clothes and I let her use mine too(but we are only one year apart and same size) maybe you can make a deal where both of you can use each other’s clothes of course if you like her clothes. One thing I would suggest you is to lock your room.


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Re: Is this normal?? - August 30th 2010, 11:18 AM

Does she wash her own clothes or help with laundry so she'd know how to wash clothes? I know it's not rocket science but if she doesn't know how, then asking her to may be something she needs teaching. It's odd though that she actually hides it from you in your room as opposed to even hanging it up on your closet as it seems to show shame on her part. Taking your undergarments though is something different because can she even fit into them? It seems as if she's trying to become you in every sense of the word and is rejecting her identity. This is definitely something that deserves more than a "don't do that". As gross as it may be, has she done any sexual stuff or fantasies wearing the clothes because sometimes people will wear the clothing of the ones they desire while fantasizing or pleasuring themselves? I know it is something gross I'm asking but this is beyond the realm of normal so you need to take non-normal tactics. I'm not sure if locking your closet will do any good because she is this attached, she may just pick the lock, break it or steal other stuff of yours. The fact she sold your dress for a purse shows no sense of acknowledging the stuff is yours or she may have not liked that dress and wanted a purse. The thing that may help the most is buying stuff for her that is the same as what you wear that she steals down to the same type of undergarments.

Or, if you say yes to this then ignore the identity thing I said above: does she also wear her own stuff often? One way to check is to snoop into her room and check through the drawers if stuff like her shirts or undergarments have been worn. I presume she's not the person who refolds her clothes nicely back up. If you notice she's wearing your stuff but little to none of hers, then try to get her some of your stuff and perhaps also take her shopping with you (and parents) for that clothing.

The harder way would be locking everything up but I doubt she'd leave it be. If she does, then that's great. If you two have separate rooms, put a lock on your door as well. Make sure it's not one of these doors where you can put an unfolded paper clip or wire hanger through a hole or a screwdriver to turn a piece from the outside, as any goof can open those.


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Re: Is this normal?? - August 30th 2010, 08:09 PM

I would just get a lock on my door. You are definately not unreasonable; the thing with trading your skirt for a purse really shocked me. You need to get your mother's help; and she needs to set some rules for your sister. It sounds like your mother is just brushing it off so she doesn't have to deal with it. She needs to set rules and consequences for when she doesn't follow them.



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Re: Is this normal?? - August 30th 2010, 08:14 PM

I think you should talk to your mum about it, maybe ask her if you can get a lock on your bedroom door. As a little sister myself, I think she might be worried about the way she looks in her own clothes. It might make her feel better if you maybe tell her what looks nice on her? Good Luck xoxo
   
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Re: Is this normal?? - August 31st 2010, 12:43 AM

Locks are a great investment. Little combination locks are cheap and not too hard to install. However I also suggest you calmly talk with your sister without yelling or accusing or anything. I also suggest that your mom actually do something about this, it sounds like she might not be reinforcing what she's saying, which is really important.


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Re: Is this normal?? - September 2nd 2010, 02:25 AM

Maybe her actions are due to immaturity, and this is something she'll have to "grow out of" in the years to come. Does she behave abnormally in other ways, too? Because there's also the possibility that she could have a social or developmental disorder of some sort. I would really only pursue that possibility if she behaved strangely in other ways as well, though (like not holding a normal conversation with other family members/friends, consistently earning poor grades in school, etc.).

I agree with the others: get a lock, preferably for your door. Make a spare key to hide somewhere else in the house, then keep the original key in your backpack, on a keychain with your car keys, etc. Lock the door behind you EVERY TIME you leave the room. I know it's a pain, but it'll become habitual after a few weeks.

Don't just buy a lock and let the subject go, though. Sit down with your sister and talk about how every action has a reward or consequence. If your sister had followed your rules (asking first, washing afterward), then her reward would have been to be able to borrow your clothing. Since she failed to follow your rules, however, the consequence is that you can no longer trust her, and that you feel it is necessary to prevent her from taking any more of your clothing without your permission. Tell her you'll keep the door locked for __ days, then consider the possibility of letting her borrow clothing again. Establish firm rules, like the "three strikes" rule. If she forgets to ask once, that's a strike. If she forgets to wash and return your clothing once, that's another strike. If she forgets three times, you're locking the door again, this time for twice as long.






   
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