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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
carrot Offline
love one another
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Name: sidney
Age: 27
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Join Date: February 8th 2010

oy.. confusing friendship - October 14th 2010, 08:15 PM

Ok, so this whole thing is pretty silly and ridiculous, but i'm a bit confused and i hope you'll bear with me. sorry its long. A little background, I'm pretty much a lonely person. I've always had lots of casual friends, but never really a stable best friend to speak of, and it always hurt to see everyone else always have someone more important to them than me. I have a couple of brothers, but they are much older than me and Im not that close to them. More than anything, I've always wanted a sister, someone i could trust and relate to and be myself around that i could never lose no matter what. but at this point in my life, i know that it could never happen. so I started really praying and hoping for a best friend. I thought that if i could just find one stable person to trust with everything and always have to fall back on, I'd be okay.

So anyway, you can see how much it meant to me when i finally found someone to call my best friend. i had known her casually a several years ago, and was reunited with her two years ago when i started attending community college. i was 16 and she was 18. i thought she was the most amazing girl ever, and we slowly and gradually bonded to the point that i now trust her with everything. i dont think i've ever opened up this much to anyone before in my entire life. sometimes i would call her at night and we would talk for 2, 3, 4 hours at a time about anything and everything. and sometimes, she'd even call me first, which was amazing because i finally felt like i had a great friendship that wasnt just in my imagination.

however, i am starting to realize that i dont think i like who she is anymore. when were in public settings, like in class or at club meetings, i realize she is very self centered and sort of makes a spectacle of herself in order to get attention. she also comes across as dirty and worldly, and tends to make rash decisions. when its just the two of us, shes still the dorky girl that i love, but sometimes we get get into other contexts, i feel like i dont know her anymore. i also realize that i dont seem to have as much fun with her anymore, both when were in the social setting or when were alone together, but i think i am just being turned off by the fact that she is not living up to who i want her to be. i dont feel as comfortable around her as i used to.

Thanks to anyone who read this, it helped alot just to write it out, do you have any thoughts on this? does this sound like normal feelings to have about a relationship? In a (small) way, i feel like our friendship isnt really working out anymore and i just need to move on and focus my attention elsewhere. but at the same time, I feel like even though im not sure i "like" her anymore, i still want to love her. in all its forms, i believe that love is a decision rather than a feeling. i dont love the way she acts, but i still love HER for who i know she is. i cant just throw away everything shes been for me. and maybe im just overreacting and this is just some dumb faze that either one or both of us is going through that will soon pass, whether it be her crazy craving for attention or my being overly-sensitive.. im just not sure. not to mention, i havent even talked to her about any of this. i feel like she probably is not aware of my feelings at all but i do not want to drag her into some lame drama that i fabricated...

Iloveyou is a strong word.
you should only say it if you really mean it.
but if you do mean it, you should say it often.

people forget.
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jillianjayde Offline
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Re: oy.. confusing friendship - October 15th 2010, 08:08 PM

Hello there,

You bring up quite a few points I want to speak on, so I am just going to jump right in!

Firstly, I can very much relate to what it feels like to deeply desire a close friendship. I went through a phase when I was younger where I had no friends and it was a terribly lonely way to live. I went through a phase after that where I was willing to saddle myself to anyone who would pay attention to me, no matter how little I may have actually liked them or if we had anything in common, in order to feel like I belonged and to ease those feelings of sadness. One day, I reached a point where I realized it was better to wait for a true friend to come along than to try to force great friendships with people that it clearly wasn't going to work out with.

Secondly, it seems like your friend is probably going through what every person in their late teens goes through; trying to figure out who they are. If you were at one point able to have to long, deep conversations about your lives and your goals, and you felt like she was someone who understood you and you really looked up to her, than somewhere deep inside of her that same girl probably exists. However, when people are growing up, especially in the post high school years, they go through a lot of changes, emotionally, physically, mentally, intellectually and socially. Your friend is trying to figure out who she wants to be and what her place in the world is, and that can often result in some awkward and embarrassing behaviour. Is it possible that your friend acts so brazenly in public at school because she too is searching for acceptance from people, and is trying to impress them?

Thirdly, sometimes over time friends just grow and change to a point where they can't continue, and that's ok. It is going to happen all through out your life, but new friends will come into place and old friends will cycle out. You will find a good friend one day who will stick by your side through everything. Hopefully, one day you will also find a bigger circle of friends, and then you will discover that you will have a best friend who you turn to for emotional support, one you turn to for advice, one you turn to just for fun times hanging out, etc.

Fourthly, if you two are close enough that you can call each other up 24 hours a day, then you should be close enough that you can sit your friend down and explain to her that you have noticed a change in her behaviour, and if there is anything going on that she wants to talk about, and if she is receptive (AKA doesn't flip her lid), you can tell her that you feel like your friendship is changing and that her new behaviour is making you uncomfortable.

I wish you lots of luck and just remember that there are people out there who you will meet and will love you just for who you are.

Jillian Jayde

In the depths of winter, I looked inside myself and found an invincible spring. - Camus

Last edited by jillianjayde; October 15th 2010 at 08:09 PM. Reason: Formatting.
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