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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Nepenthe Offline
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Question My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 29th 2011, 10:40 PM

I've known my "friend" for nearly three years. I told her all my embarrassing secrets and about my depression (which varies in severity every couple of weeks). We rarely got into disagreements and both of us nearly think in the same way.

We've grown apart since we got into high school (same school but different classes) mainly because of her new friends and her new boyfriends. In contrast I was alone for most of my freshman year. At the end of that year we became friends again, but we still weren't as close as before.

Last month she and her long term boyfriend broke up, and she never told me about it (I learned from her ex-boyfriend, two weeks after; even he was surprised that she didn't tell me). But we still talked after and she invited me to sleepover and go to her birthday party. All is well.

Until after that birthday party she started to ignore me, claiming she had a "project" that took up all of her time. I put up with this for a few weeks (she's a very private person) until I realized that she was intentionally ignoring my texts and moving very quickly by me in the halls.

Finally, just last night, fucking sick with all her bullshit I texted her asking why she was avoiding me and to tell the truth finally. I also ended it with a stinger: "Have fun wallowing in self-pity." (She suffers from depression as well.) She answered that she was "sick with my constant negativity" (when she herself was constantly negative and that I make an effort to be happy and positive around her) and that she couldn't deal with me anymore. Mind you, she's always in a bad mood, which other people noted, and she doesn't make an effort to be happy around me. I put up with worst from her, and in the past few weeks I wasn't even that depressed. She also said that "I have never been a true friend" and that "she wasn't actually depressed" (which is a big fucking lie) and that she "doesn't have a pity party," implying that I do.

I know that was really long, but basically we've been such great friends and all of a sudden she says she doesn't want anything to do with me. I've been worried about her lately, and I was thinking that maybe something must have triggered her sudden hatred towards me. Or maybe it really is just me and I have been a bad friend all this time? And I don't even know if the friendship is worth saving, because I'm quitely frankly sick of her bullshit too, dealing with her sudden mood swings for two years already.

Any thoughts or advice?


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
Earl Wilson
"I reserve my right to hate you, not because of your skin color or culture, but because you are an idiot."
Mike Hutchison
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 29th 2011, 11:26 PM

Hey there. This honestly sounds like the same situation that my friend and I had. She said pretty much those same exact things to me. I didn't much like it. But you know, I learned that friends grow apart. People grow and change, and that has an effect on the relationships present. I think this is one of those situations where you just need to leave it. As much as it hurts. You may or may not reconnect in the future, but dwelling on this can only stress you out. I know how much you're hurting right now, because I went through it, but you have to stand strong through this. Give it time. Maybe talk to her in the future after things have calmed down for you. When both parties have calmed down, you can sit her down and figure out what really triggered this. You can work towards being close again. If you do talk, tell her what you need out of the friendship, and ask what she needs. Communication is key. Best of luck to you! =)


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 29th 2011, 11:38 PM

Thanks, I've been thinking lately that she isn't good for my mental health anyway. She is a very negative person overall and even though I tried to help her, she doesn't really want my help.


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
Earl Wilson
"I reserve my right to hate you, not because of your skin color or culture, but because you are an idiot."
Mike Hutchison
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
Normality, my friends.
Jeez, get a life!
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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 29th 2011, 11:47 PM

If she isn't good for your mental health, then you're probably better off. You've been dealing with depression. I know first hand how hard that can be, and negative people don't help whatsoever. Maybe now just isn't the right time to be friends with her. If she makes your depression worse, then you have to do what's best for you. Surrounding yourself with people who bring you down, is only going to make things worse. Surround yourself with uplifting people


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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 29th 2011, 11:54 PM

The only thing that bothers me about what happened though is that she says I'm "negative," which is the exact same thing I think about her. Plus I don't think I'm as negative as she says I am, when I try constantly to look at the bright side of life and make jokes and talk to people--all of which she doesn't do.

I know you probably wouldn't know if I'm negative or not, but it's just something that bothers me constantly. I don't want to be negative towards my friends because I know that can alienate them, and then this happens.


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
Earl Wilson
"I reserve my right to hate you, not because of your skin color or culture, but because you are an idiot."
Mike Hutchison
   
  (#6 (permalink)) Old
SparklingWine Offline
Normality, my friends.
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Lynds :)
Age: 27
Gender: Grill ;)
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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 30th 2011, 12:01 AM

To me is sounds like she is stuck in her own negativity, and is looking for an easy target. Meaning, misery loves company. She probably sees that you're being positive, but she isn't, so it's easier to cope and deal if she says you're negative as well. It's twisted, but it's a possibility. To me, it sounds like you're working really hard to be positive, and you're doing a great job. I'm sure your other friends don't think you're being negative. But it never hurts to ask to simply ask your friends if they feel you're too negative.


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  (#7 (permalink)) Old
Nepenthe Offline
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Re: My Best Friend broke off our friendship - May 30th 2011, 12:26 AM

I plan to do that when I get back to school on Tuesday (Memorial Day on monday). That's what I've been thinking too, but in the back of my mind I'm still thinking "am I really negative?"

Thanks for your help, though. I really needed someone else's opinion. And she seems like she's in denial too, because she claims she isn't depressed, even though she has tons of suicidal ideations, talks to her teacher about her problems, and take anti-depressants. I honestly do still care about her, even now as I'm pissed as fuck at her, and I've always been on the look out for her even though she's always been pushing me away. But I've always avoided upsetting her, because I wanted us to stay friends, and now I kinda of blame myself for her recent bout of depression.

You see, before her boyfriend broke up with her, he was the only person she ever really confided in, always pushing me away. I thought about telling her that she has to keep her other friends, so in case he breaks up with her she has a support system. She was really under the belief that they'll stay together (even though he's a senior and it looked like he was going to go to college). But at the same time I didn't want to alienate her, for my own selfish reasons.

Well it backfired.


"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
Earl Wilson
"I reserve my right to hate you, not because of your skin color or culture, but because you are an idiot."
Mike Hutchison
   
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