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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Question Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 30th 2011, 06:17 AM

Okay, my mom basically told me she's scared to leave me by myself for long periods of time because she's worried about my mental/emotional state (implying that I might be suicidal, that's something you always want to hear from your parents). I'll admit that my emotional state hasn't been completely stable lately but its not like I'm CONSTANTLY upset. I've had a few upset moments. But she basically forced me to sit & talk to her for 2 hours & because I didn't give a long, drawn out reason I'm "not talking to her". I feel like I've done all I can to show that NOTHING IS WRONG (outside of being completely fake about it) but apparently that's not enough. What can I do to stop her from worrying unnecessarily???? I'm completely out of ideas :/


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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 30th 2011, 09:24 PM

Do you have ANY history of self-harm, suicidal ideation, or suicide attempts? If so, then to be honest, I don't think your mother's worries are ENTIRELY unreasonable. She's taking things to an extreme level, but it's natural for parents to worry about their children. If you've done something in the past to hurt yourself, or if she feels you might try to hurt yourself, then she may worry that the moment you're left unsupervised, you'll start to relapse. The best way to set a parent's mind at ease is to 1) initiate the conversations yourself, and 2) show her through your actions that everything is okay (or not okay).

Parents often think something is wrong when their children don't want to talk - so they "force" conversations to take place. Rather than waiting until your mother does that, take charge of when the conversations happen and what the topics of the conversations are. Try to talk to your mom every day, whether it's about trivial stuff that happened or school, something interesting you heard in the news, or a concern you've had for several weeks/months. By being transparent with your mom, she'll calm down and know that, if there ever IS a problem, you'll bring it up with her.

Sometimes, that isn't enough. Remember that actions speak louder than words. If you avoid your mom and act secretive, she's going to worry that something is wrong, and that your conversations are just a "cover" so she doesn't worry about you. Let her see you making plans with friends, completing your homework, having fun on the computer, etc. Basically, let her see that life is "normal" for you, and that you're not constantly dwelling on thoughts of self-harm and suicide. If you lock yourself in your room for hours on end, she's going to wonder what you're up to. Just as you are transparent with your conversations, be transparent with your actions. That way, if there ever IS a problem, your mom will know that you'll let her know.






   
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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 30th 2011, 11:44 PM

I've never done anything to try to hurt myself but I did go through a phase in which I liked burning stuff, would that worry her?? & I do talk to my mom about everything, or I try to anyway. I don't spend much time in my room except when I'm cleaning but that's only for like . . . 3 or 4 days at the most & I come out & spend time with her & my dad. I do have a history of just . . . Morbidity in general but it wasn't a depression type of thing, I just had dark, serious thoughts at a young age. I don't think that. should be a worry though. I can try to talk more & spend more time with her. Thanks for the advice Robin.


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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 31st 2011, 12:04 AM

Many people become fascinated with fire at some point. You're obviously not a pyromaniac, though, so no, I don't think that should be of concern to your mother.

After reading your response, it sounds like there's nothing in particular that should be upsetting your mother... so maybe this is mostly due to the fact that you're growing up. You've hit adolescence, which means you're more at-risk for depression/anxiety. Your mother may just be worrying about what COULD happen to you in the years to come. I would still suggest keeping an open line of communication with your mother - but the next time she says something like, "I'm worried about you," or, "I don't want to leave you alone for fear of what you might do," ask her why she thinks that. Ask her to give you specific examples of what she's observed (or hasn't observed). Talk about it. Your mother may stop worrying needlessly after you've addressed her concerns in a calm and loving manner. =)






   
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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 31st 2011, 12:25 AM

Okay. Thats really good advice. Thankies!


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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 31st 2011, 05:02 AM

Hey Nisa,

Your mum is just being concerned for your welfare and I know sometimes it's annoying, I've gone through it recently with my mum, she told me she was worried for my physical and mental health. At the time I was angry at help but then when she explained her point I started to understand her side a little bit more. Speak to your mum and ask her what is worrying her exactly.
I'm sure she is only looking out for you. If she gets a chance to express her worries you can explain to her what she is right about.

Nisa, if things are difficult for you right now the best thing you can do is look to people like your mum for the support they are offering to give you. It sounds like your mum is there for you. Accept some help, there's no harm in it, she's your mum.
I can understand it must get difficult sometimes, but she is there for helping you.

If you're pretending to be happy then something is obviously wrong and you need some support and some help. Who better to look to than your mum?

I'm here anytime you need to chat,
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Re: Worried Parent: how to deal?? - May 31st 2011, 05:31 AM

Liking fire can be part of the "Homicide Triad" or pyromania but you seem to be neither. Whatever the dark thoughts were, I presume you no longer have them for quite some time.

People often will say they pretend to be happy but fact of the matter is, they're usually poor at faking happiness. It doesn't take much effort to see someone isn't as happy as they seem to be and once you begin touching the tip of the snow, you realize it's an iceberg they're trying to hide. Your mother probably can tell something is bugging you but doesn't know what it is. She sees or hears you crying and running to your room slamming doors (from another thread where you said how your father treats you).

Overall, your mother is aware hormones at this time exaggerate behaviours, you have a short relatively minor history of some behavioural issues (although they may be resolved, your mother may be questioning that), you're obviously hiding your emotions resulting in distancing yourself from her and you go around the house crying up to your room. Again, from another thread, you said you have excellent academic success, so your mother may be wondering why you behave the way you do (i.e. outcast-like) when your grades are exceptional. She probably is also worrying about your future behaviours based on the present and past ones, however, she's also indicating she doesn't know how to address them so she stuffs them under the rug, so to speak.


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