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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
oceaneyes95 Offline
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Name: Lillian (Lilli)
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Major favouritism...idk what to do...... - June 10th 2011, 10:07 AM

First off PLEASE dont tell me to just "talk" to my mom about these problems at home that i'm about to tell you about because talking in my house NEVER works because I always get accused of "bringing somthing up to start drama". Anyways my mom does this MAJOR favouritism thing and it's basically getting outta control like for example yesterday my mom asked me to move my car so that she could mow the lawn so ya know I was like cool no prob. so I go out to my yard and older brothers out there so I ask "where do I move my car to?" and he yells "JUST FREAKIN' BACK IT UP!" and I was like "ok I was just asking you don't have to yell at me" then he GOES OFF on me like throws a fit and everything and my mom just took his side and yelled at me like I did something wrong. It's like that ALL THE TIME like one time I cooked a great meal for my family and cleaned the whole house without being asked because I love the whole housewife thing and my younger brother was like yellin' at me cuz I didn't do anything good enough again he GOES OFF on me and throws a fit and of course my mom agrees with him and rewards him for yeling at me even though I didn't do anything wrong, even though I KNOW that I wasn't the one in the wrong. Somtimes I even get yelled at for having acne, or for my tag showing on my clothes. That's why I go to church 3 times a week,and try to dress appropriatly, and try to always have this cheerfull attitude because I feel like drama could strike any moment because I never know what rediculous things I might get yelled at for. My dad totally takes my side on these kinds of situations, because he's like me he's not for the drama ya know and he always backs me up but my mom just has this CRAZY tempur so it's kinda like what she says goes so if my mom does this whole favourtism thing no one can change it. I can't just TALK to her about it because once AGAIN I always get accused of "bringing things up to start drama".Whenever I try to stand up for myself and say how I didn't do anything wrong my moms always like "yeah you never do anything cuz you're the spoiled brat of this family right". Usually these fights always end up with me sitting on my bed sobbing into my pillow crying so hard I can barley breathe.One time my sister even HIT me and my mom just cheered her on. There've even been times where i've been so close to calling the cops because it's getting too violent and abusive, but my mom has this whole thing where now when stuff like this happens she takes my phone away so that I can't call my friends and tell them about the drama that happens at home because she doesn't like for all my friends from church to know about what goes on here. On top of all of that i'm HOME-SCHOOLED and I have to depend on my parents to help me get the last like 3 months of my school work done so that just makes this whole thing 10x worse because I realize that my education is on the line here.The only solution to this whole mess I can think of is to just basically do what i've always tried to do just stay outta the way and maybe possably start hanging out with my friends from church more often. PLEASE HELP!!
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Re: Major favouritism...idk what to do...... - June 13th 2011, 05:51 PM

Hey there, Lilli. I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. =(

Well, let's look at your options. One would be to call the police/CPS, provide evidence of physical abuse (verbal/emotional is obviously harder to prove), and request assistance from a social worker. In some cases, the social worker just comes by for regular visits and monitors the situation at home. That probably won't be too effective, unless the social worker can make family counseling mandatory - and even then, if your father isn't willing to stand up for you, you may not obtain the results you want. There's no point in talking about the problem if your family members aren't willing to change anything.

Something else that could happen after calling the police/CPS is removal from the home. You could be placed in foster care, or you could possibly request to live with a certain individual (who would become your legal guardian). Of course, that person would have to be willing to take care of your needs until you turn 18, so this would have to be someone you could literally trust with your life. So if you'd like to be removed from your home altogether, and you have someone in mind (perhaps a mentor at your church), why not talk to them sometime this week and ask for their assistance? At the very least, you can take advantage of the church community and discuss your problems in greater detail. It's great that you're talking to friends who are around your age, but why not talk to some of the adults as well? The pastor and youth pastor may be a good place to start.

If you don't call the police/CPS, then you can try and wait things out at home. This sounds like a situation where, no matter what you do (or don't do), you'll be yelled at. So unfortunately, it's a matter of finding out which option results in the LEAST amount of abuse. Talking back seems to make things worse. In fact, talking at all seems to make things worse, because then you're labeled as a "spoiled brat". If you quietly comply with requests, you still get yelled at, but there's less "resistance" on your end. Again, I understand it's not a pleasant realization to come to, but that's the unfortunate reality of your situation. There isn't anything you can do to change your mother's attitude toward you. You're darned if you do, darned if you don't.

If you don't call the police/CPS and wait things out at home, PLEASE try to get your father on your side. I realize he's hesitant to do so (probably because he's just as scared of your mom's temper!), but if you can start to communicate how difficult this situation is with you, he may be more willing to comfort you in the privacy of your room, after the big arguments occur. If he can't defend you in public, then at least he can help you out afterward.

Something else you could look into is emancipation. I don't know what the requirements are for Tennessee, but generally, you need to be able to provide for yourself financially while continuing to go to school. That means working a part- or full-time job while going to public school. Again, if you can get assistance from the church (ex. a place to live while going to public school, so you don't have to worry about paying for your own apartment), emancipation may be a real possibility for you.

I wish you all the best, and I'm sorry I couldn't provide any concrete answers for you. This is a difficult situation, and there are multiple ways to approach it. I hope thinking about your options will help you in making the decision that's best for you. As always, feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

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Re: Major favouritism...idk what to do...... - June 14th 2011, 02:37 AM

Thank you so much for your help and I think I might look into some of the things you've mentioned in your reply! You give awesome advice!
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Re: Major favouritism...idk what to do...... - June 14th 2011, 06:36 AM

In exploring all the options, most of which Robin already mentioned, one other possible option would be to not run to your room and sob. Instead, when your mother yells at you, either laugh or smile at her so as to show her that what she says to you doesn't bother you and continue doing whatever activity you were doing. In effect, when she yells, she gets your attention (obviously) so remove that attention. It may result in further yelling and hitting but hopefully you can continue to remove her attention. You could even turn around and ask something such as, "pardon, sorry I was busy, what were you saying?". If one is to consider her a bully, you take away the bully's power bit by bit and this is one way of doing it.

Another option, probably not a good one but since you're at wits end, any options are good. When she's not yelling, then yell at her. Alternatively, when she is yelling, don't run and sob, stand there and yell back, hold your ground. If she hits you, don't hit back, instead block her (ideally need self-defense training to do this properly). It's a form of intimidation: someone pisses you off too much, you explode on them, if they hit you, don't hit back but cause some pain and issue harmless threats that you do carry out. From what I can tell, you're not an aggressive person nor someone who can or is willing to intimidate, so this option may not work very well. The goal of it is when she says to not cause drama, you do exactly that, you cause so much drama BUT be able to say you're doing it in response to her and will stop once she stops yelling or is willing to sit and talk.

The other purpose of this is you take a good amount of power from her, it increases the chances your father will be less hesitant to side with you because your mother is not as large of a threat.

A benefit of self-defense or martial-arts classes in general is not only will you learn, but if your siblings join the class, you will not find a single instructor who is willing to take their crap. They may be kicked out, given harder work (i.e. push-ups) or, as sometimes done in our dojo, when it comes to sparring, someone else (can be a higher belt/more experienced student) intentionally gives harder hits. In this class, if you get ahead of your siblings, it results in an environment where you can control them and they cannot yell or hit you because consequences are swift and very real.

These options (other than self-defense) are last-resort. Since you have ties to a church, I would see if you can stay with someone from there, it's a much better option.

I can rip you off, and steal all your cash, suckerpunch you in the face, stand back and laugh. Leave you stranded as fast as a heart-attack.
- Danko Jones (I Think Bad Thoughts)
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