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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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CaughtInMyHead Offline
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Unhappy Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 04:14 AM

So it has been three years since my parents divorced, when they first split apart it didn't really bother me so much - I mean I was upset, but it didn't really hurt until last year and now it still hurts. I just hate my living situation, and I hate having to live with my moms boyfriends son and my dads girlfriend. I live with strangers. I hate being dragged back and forth with a TON of stuff. I hate how my parents fight with each other through me.
Like the other night there was an incident where my dad got mad at mom because of something I did (not going int details), but he was mad at my mom for something that I did. I was so angry that he was blaming her that I cussed him out and slammed my door, usually I feel bad calling my dad names but this time I did care and I still don't. I could write five pages of all the junk that has come out of this divorce, but I'm trying not to talk to long. All I have left to say is that I have a broken family and no home - or it doesn't feel like home. My heart hurts over this all the time, I'm miserable and even though I've talked to my mom about it she yells at me and tells me to stop being ungrateful.
(for example, when my friends talk about having family dinners and how they hate it sometimes for whatever reason. I get really sad and jealous, because I have to cook for myself and if my mom makes us dinner I don't eat with her, her boyfriend, and her son because it doesn't feel right.) (it's like a wound that never healed)

Any advice? What should I do? Why is this still bothering me? Anything will help at this point

Thanks


Nothing easy is worth doing, but easy would be nice every once in while.
   
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September 19th 2011, 06:58 AM

Everyone wants a family where you have family dinners and there is sharing and caring. But you can't change it if you don't have one. Its something my mother has always said, its okay if we don't have a proper family and a father-type person in our lives. Everyone does not get everything but no one gets nothing either. The friend that you see, she must see you and find things in your life that she would want.

I have gone through a similar situation, still in it infact and if you want to talk about it, PM me anytime!



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Last edited by SparklingWine; September 19th 2011 at 08:19 PM. Reason: Merging multiple posts.
   
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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 12:30 PM

I know how you feel. My parents divorced when I was rather young. I was four to be exact. I am still being dragged through fights and being put in the middle. I have switched homes almost 8 times because they couldn't "decide" who wanted me. It's a tough thing to go through and I honestly don't think there's much you can do about it. It's up to them to stop being immature and start doing things for themselves and start fighting on their own time. It's kind of a thing that you have to deal with, unfortunately. And make the best out of any situation you may find yourself in. If you are fed up with fighting with them, tell them. You need to stop being in the middle of everything and they've gotta deal with it on their own. Stand up for yourself as their child and make them realize they are wrong. Other than that, I'm not really sure what to tell you. Sorry if this makes no sense, it's kinda early where I am.
   
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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 01:51 PM

My parents are divorced as well, so I know what you mean. Honestly, the only thing that has helped me in these hard situations is my relationship with Jesus Christ. I never thought is could be possible, but he really has healed the hurt of my parents divorce and my dad's rejection. In fact, I am actually happy! That doesn't mean there still aren't times when I still hurt, but it helps so much to have Jesus by my side, sharing in the pain. I started a website to help other kids with divorced parents (allfilledup.wordpress.com). Feel free to take a look at it.
   
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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 04:19 PM

Thanks for answering everyone it means a lot and I'm taking everyones advice!


Nothing easy is worth doing, but easy would be nice every once in while.
   
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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 04:34 PM

Nicole, divorce might be very common these days, but it's still a real loss, even when it results in an improvement. And, as you're seeing, the stress continues and can get worse as life unfolds and parents begin to incorporate other people into their (and your) lives.

This is all a pretty big adjustment, it takes time and patience. You might try to break down all the adjustments into smaller, mroe manageable parts. So, although you cannot get your folks to abandon those new people, you might have some success in discussing calmly with them the impact this has on you and what you need. Likewise, your folks acting out their rage against each other (sadly, that often remains even after divorce), can be most effectively addressed by requesting them to just stop, rather than arguing with them about the issue that precipitated it's expression.

You cannot change what happened or what is currently happening, but you can adjust to it. The response on your part is different, and success is largely determined by your being reasonable and realistic (and specific) about the things you need to accomplish that.


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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 19th 2011, 08:45 PM

I have four suggestions for you, that I hope will help.

1) I suggest finding stability in your current situation. I know there are downers to both places, but which one would you prefer to live at? When going back and forth between houses, you're not allowing yourself time to adjust to either place. Is it possible that you can have a permanent place of living so that you can maintain some stability? I think that would be a good idea. It would allow you to have a home. Or it would feel closer to a home then what you're feeling now. I know that would be hard because of your step relatives in the picture, but it's better than nothing.

2) Speaking of step relatives, why not try and get to know them? Bring in other people that you don't know can be hard on a child. You have to adjust to living with them, when you once had your biological family all together. The idea of getting to know your step parents and their children might not appeal to you, but it's worth a try right? If you form a bond with these people, it will make your parents houses feel more like home, and less like an outsider. To me, it makes sense. Find some common ground between you and your step parents. Offer to go to lunch with them one day or maybe a sporting event. It seems like it would be awkward at first, but it will get easier. If you can't get close to them, then you can't. You'll have to find a good way to cope with that.

3) As far as your parents go, and making you middle man. You need to talk to them about that. You need to tell them that they're adults and they don't need to go through their child to communicate. Tell them how it makes you feel when they go through you to fight. That has a significant affect on a child, believe it or not. I would also tell them how their divorce affects you, and the things you told us. It can't get better unless you try. And trying to me would be communicating with the main people apart of this. That being you, and your parents. If they don't know how you're feeling, then they are going to keep doing what they're doing. Which does not make it easy for you to cope with. You have the right to stick up for your feelings. Don't let that go to waste.

4) My last suggestion to you is to seek counseling in some form. Whether that be through the school or through professional. Can you talk to your parents about helping you get some counseling. If you're not comfortable with that, I think it would be a good idea to seek help through your school. Such as a teacher or a guidance counselor. It's obvious that the divorce is effecting you in a negative way. And you don't have an outlet for all those emotions, then it can fester and have a negative impact on you. Talking about these things can be hard, but it feels really good to vent. Also, a counselor can help you sort through all your emotions, and give you way in which you can cope with them

Take care


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Re: Parents Divorce Still Bothers Me? - September 21st 2011, 05:05 AM

Thank you, I'm using a lot of your advice, and I'm going to talk to my parents. Means a lot!


Nothing easy is worth doing, but easy would be nice every once in while.
   
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