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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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Zemie Offline
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Name: Alex
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I don't get along with my mom - October 7th 2011, 02:16 AM

Ok, I've been meaning to find a support forum for months now. I keep going over and over again in my head what I planned to write, but I never got around to it. So I'm finally forcing myself to get a sort of help.
First off, I feel really bad to complain about this. My life is really good, and honestly I think I'm kind of spoiled. My family is like really upper middle class, we have a big house, and I mostly get games or such if I want them. My parents are together and get along and they don't argue. Everything is really nice. I go to a nice school where I'm not bullied and I make good grades and I'm in all advanced classes. So I feel like I should have no problems and everything is actually fine and I'm making this problem all up in my head.

Well, now that I'm actually getting around to writing this I feel strange.
I have no real friends. I only have one person I regularly hang out with, and I don't really think of them as a friend. I had some really good friends in elementary school, but I went to a different middle school then them and now I'm in 9th grade and I haven't seen them since. Now I'm really quiet in school and the other kids tend to ignore me, which I honestly think could be worse than if I was accually bullied, because at least that would mean they would pay attention to me. I really have no one to talk to who is like me, or shares my interests, or anything. Even no one in my family really has similar interests. An example is how I really love music, and everyone I know doesn’t care as much about it and no one likes the same kind I do.

So having no one to talk to about anything just makes me feel lonely and miserable. The way my family kind of treats my interests and being wrong makes me feel like I'm wrong, even though I know it's a matter of opinion and I'm wrong. I just don't want to make my parents feel disappointed in me. It's hard because my dad is always pressuring me to do great in school, which I do, but it's just hard to be in all AP classes and be expected to do great, like if I ever fail everything will be broken. My mom is always fussing at me because I always wear my hair in the exact same low ponytail, and she always tells me to put it up a different way, none of which I like, and has never once complemented me on how a wear it. I remember I got fed up with her telling me to put it in a high ponytail, or let it down, and I cut a piece in the back so if I ever wear I high ponytail it would stick out funny, so I couldn't ever wear it that way. She yelled at me practically all night, which was awful because she never yells. It really was my fault she yelled. My older brother cut his hair once, and I think she's just afraid I'll turn out like him. He has problems with alcohol and has to be on medication for the rest of his life for some reason. I don't know exactly. My brother barely ever talks to me and is usually up in his room. Anyway, her yelling at me about my fair bothered me since she places so much importance on how I look, when I don't really care. Like how I think mohawks look good, which my mom and dad just looked horrified that I though was nice, which I hate since it is a matter of opinion, so they made me feel wrong.

I'm getting off-topic. I really do love my parents, but sometimes I feel (though I hate how saying this makes me sound) like they don't understand me. Like no one does. I have no friends and no one to talk to or listen. It drives me a little mad that I go over and over all this stuff (and more) in my head, and I have never told or talked to anyone, because no one really understands enough to care. I remember I once tried to tell my mom, but she brushed it off like it wasn't important.
So I'm hoping anyone here can listen to me and give me some advice. I could really use some.
I have some other things I'd like emotional support on, but I'm not sure if they belong in this section since they don't relate to friends or family directly.
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Re: I don't get along with my mom - October 8th 2011, 01:39 AM

Hello, Zemie. Welcome to TeenHelp! =D I'm glad you finally got around to sharing your story with us. Hopefully, we can offer some insight and/or advice in regards to your situation.

First, regarding friends at school - what steps have you taken to reach out and create friendships with your classmates? Now, it's true that you shouldn't have to put forth ALL the effort... but if you're always quiet and you never say anything meaningful to the people around you, then how will they know how awesome you are? =) If you say "hello" a few times, but never follow up the next day, then how can you expect anything meaningful to develop? If you want to have friends, then you'll really need to take the first step (or couple of steps), no matter how uncomfortable it may seem at the time. You can join clubs outside of classes, or join organizations outside of school, if all your efforts are truly in vain. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm lecturing you, because believe me, I went through the same thing in middle school, high school, and college. In the end, I needed to "suck it up" and put myself out there before I could be successful in making friends. It doesn't really get easier, but it's worth the initial awkwardness. <3

Now, in regards to your family - it sounds like there are some normal conflicts, and some abnormal conflicts. It's normal for parents to emphasize the importance of academic success, almost to the point where a child feels like that's the only thing that matters. You have to understand that your parents are scared of ended up with a child who can't take care of themselves. When they push you to succeed, they do so out of love. When it comes to physical appearances and interests, it's a little more ambiguous. On one hand, your parents want you to be successful and not ruin those chances by dressing "abnormally", by developing "abnormal" hobbies, etc. On the other hand, you need to establish your own sense of identity during this time in your life. Conflicts are bound to occur, because your parents won't immediately accept that you're growing up and becoming more independent. Again, this isn't necessarily a control issue - I think your parents genuinely love you, and because they love you, they want to do what's in your best interests. That may involve a certain degree of control, but if you have a solid relationship with your parents, you can calmly discuss these issues and come to an agreement.

I think you may want to have an honest discussion about your brother, in addition to your academic goals, career goals, personal goals, etc. Your parents may think they're protecting you from the "ugly truth" by keeping information about your brother a secret, but in reality, it's best to have transparency with a family, an open line of communication between parents and maturing children. Again, this issue, and all the other issues, are things you'll need to calmly discuss with your parents. Don't expect everything to fall into place after one conversation - you may need to feel things out over the span of your adolescent years before you can truly experience the kind of relationship you want with your parents - one that is mutually respectful, trusting, and loving.

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