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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Theres always someone. <3
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Name: Nikki
Age: 26
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I don't get it. - November 13th 2011, 03:04 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Honestly, I don't know the point of me posting this. But I just need to get this off my chest, I think. I don't believe there's really much advice I could get from anyone :/

Anyway though. I honestly just can not understand.

My parents, they get pissed off with me for no reason whatsoever. Like, my mom. She came into my room this morning to make sure I didn't sleep in too late because I have to be able to go to sleep tonight so I'm OK for school tomorrow. Whatever. But she comes in my room, says "It's time for you to get the fuck up already" rolls her eyes when I say ok, then slams my bedroom door and goes stomping off through the house.
Did I do something there I didn't realize?
What it is, is obviously her and my dad have been fighting all morning. And she decided to take it out on me, again.
And it's not just every now and then they get like that...it's all the time. Sometimes, I swear, they're just fine and ok and 10 minutes later they snap about something stupid. Apparently I always have an "attitude", when I just answer whatever question they ask. I just....I can't even begin to comprehend.
I'm already dreading tomorrow, because I get my report card for school. And it's far from being good.
The thing about my parents, is they expect me to be perfect. I'm expected to get good grades. Its expected for me to do every last thing they tell me to. They expect me to be stick thin, and I'm not. Honestly, they clearly expect some absurd things from me.
It's a lot of pressure for me to do everything right. And I try so damn hard...but somehow every last thing I do is still wrong. So of course, I'm expected to get good grades. I try to. I really do. But sometimes it just doesn't happen...and they get so angry with me about it. But my older brother, when he was still living here, he'd bring home straight F's and my mom would just be like "Oh, it's ok sweetie, you do better next time, ok?". And like the same time I'd bring home all A's except for ONE B, and she'd be like "Do better. I expect straight A's. Go to your room." There's nothing wrong with my brother, besides him doing stupid shit and not caring. But it's like every last person in this family adores him and hates me. And I just don't understand.
And it's not like I sit on my ass and never help them with things around the house. I vacuum, I dust, I sweep in the kitchen, I take out the trash, I clean the bathrooms, put away the dishes and wash any that can't be put in the dishwasher, I help clean up after dinner, I do yard work willingly, I'm always polite and thank them for the stuff they do and things like that, but apparently I never do anything to help and I'm rude? What?
I'm not perfect. I have flaws, just like anyone else. My biggest one: I care, a little too much about getting my parents approval. Which is clearly impossible. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. And that, it hurts like hell.
I just, I don't know.
I'm looking forward to the end of this year, because I'll be 18 and able to leave. But honestly, I'm sure even that won't be easy. They'll guilt trip me in one way or another because they don't like not having someone to bitch at about everything. I just want out already.
The most ironic part is they seem to think everything is OK with me.
My best friend killed herself, back in September of 2010. More than a year ago, now. It's...been hell to say the least. She was my best friend, and we were close, AND I had been trying to talk her out of it since January or so. I blame myself, for not being able to stop her. She killed herself just two weeks after another friend's mom got murdered. Then the following March, another friend's boyfriend killed himself and I was told my great great uncle has cancer of the throat. Things....they just kept going wrong, every time I turned around. Things still aren't that great, shit still seems to be going downhill. Honestly if I wrote everything out this would be absurdly long.
Anyway though, as a result of everything I did a lot of stupid shit. I started cutting. (I've been clean 5 months or so now...but it's hell). I had a night a few months after my best friend killed herself where I was home alone and introduced myself to my parents liquor cabinet. I was just drinking, not watching what I was mixing or how much. Just absentminded stupid shit. I really didn't care.
My parents are so fucking ignorant. I always cut my left arm. Which is facing (cut side) towards them anytime at all I'd reach to get my drink at the dinner table or to hand something to my mom or whatever. I know they had to have seen the marks. But nothing was said. And then someone would ask how I was any my mom would be like "OH, she's so great! Blah blah blah blah". I'm really just...not. Yeah I'm better now then I had been. But I'm still far from great....I know I'm not myself. I'm nowhere near being who I used to be. I doubt that'll change. It just gets me they're so blind, to everything...not that I could go to them, but still.

Honestly, I just don't know. I'm sorry for going on and on and on, I don't even know the point of this.

♪♫"The mirror only shows
The shell of what's below
You can't go on suffering
The illusion of control
It's time for letting go
You can't go on suffering
And now you know
Now you know"♪♫
'Now You Know' - 2Cents
Things get better.
Always keep fighting.
❤Feel free to PM/VM, or add me if you ever need a friend, or someone to talk to. I'm online quite often.
Add me on FB <--- apparently this is my creeper face.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Age: 24
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Re: I don't get it. - November 13th 2011, 11:49 PM

i knew most of this honestly, but still i feel so sorry nikki. I wish that this all wasn't happening to you, that it all hadn't happened. Sadly though it did, and it is. I hate how your parents treat you, and i really don't understand why they are that way, but yet again sadly they are and there really isn't anything that can be done about that and i hate it. I'm sorry about Nae, i know how important she was too you, even if we didn't start talking for a long while after she died. i wish that things were different for you. i wish that you had more people you could trust more people that were willing to help you. i don't understand why they all are this way to you, you don't deserve it. i am so proud of you for being SH Free for 5 months, i hope that its a long time to come. I made you a promise i wouldn't let anything hurt you, that includes yourself i know its hard but i know you can do it babe, i know you can. you don't have to do it by yourself, i promised you i would be here and guess what? i am, i always will be. i know obviously i am not as good as if i was there as real life, and as much as i would love to be, and wish i was i'm not. i hate that, i don't feel like i do enough for you but thats for enough time. just tell me if you ever think of something i can do more, because i'm going to do everything possible to help you, i don't care what it takes. don't let you're parents guilt trip you about leaving, they don't deserve you staying there you deserve to go wherever you want too, wether its in a different city, county, or state that is all your choice. i am always gonna be here for you to vent to babe, i am going to help you to the best of my abilities. soon i hope things start getting a lot better for you, because i can't stand things being like this for you, and me not even being able to be there and do anything for you. i am always here for you to talk to honey, please use this and talk to me anytime anything borrows you even slightly. I LOVE YOU and i want to help you as much as i can. i am avaliable 24/7 call me, text me whatever i don't care the time of night. <3 <3 <3

<3 ‎"I'll never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. i'll be there through it all" <3
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