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Death and Grieving Coping with loss is difficult at any age, but you are not alone during this difficult time. Reach out to other users in this forum.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
broken_ Offline
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i dont know what to do - October 17th 2015, 07:30 AM

i am a 17 year old and my mom passed away a few weeks ago. it happened a bit suddenly although she was ill no one saw it coming. i used to be very close to her but i would say we were not on great terms for the past 3 years. not horrible fighting all the time but not really talking that much either. i wasn't living with her for the 2 weeks before she passed. i dont even remember the last time i talked to her. i never expected something like this would happen to me. now all i want is the oppritunity to see her one more time and talk to her more than anything in the world but i know ill never get it and i feel so so so so empty every single day and i regret distancing myself from her and focusing more on friends and school so much. i often go over in my head everything i would do if it meant spending a day with her. i miss her so much its not fair. i rarely hang out with friends anymore and my anxietys gottten really bad
   
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Re: i dont know what to do - October 18th 2015, 12:38 AM

Hey there.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult it is to lose a parent, especially unexpectedly, and at such a young age. It's such an agonising, alienating thing to go through, so let me start off with this: don't try to go through it alone. At first you may not feel like talking about it, and that's okay; but in time if you do feel that you want to open up about it, please do so. It can be with a family member (perhaps someone who knew your mother, so you can lean on each other during the grieving process), a friend, or even a professional (that's what grief counsellors are for, after all, and don't underestimate how helpful they can be).

As cliche as it sounds, I would also recommend writing a letter to her. Or perhaps you could visit her grave/memorial/someplace that was significant to her and just talk to her. That can be a good way to communicate your feelings, to try to find some peace with the things you said or didn't say, the things you wished you'd done and the things you think you shouldn't have. You said you weren't on great terms with her, so maybe you could use this opportunity to apologise for not talking to her more, and maybe forgiving her for the same thing. It's going to be hard to make peace with that, but if you let the resentment and regret build up, it's going to be messy later on.

I also know what it's like not to remember the last time you spoke to someone or the last thing you said to them, and I know how frustrating that can be. But the thing is, in cases like this where you didn't get to say goodbye, it's okay to focus on the little, random moments that you do remember. Think about conversations you did have with her, and remind yourself that you both loved each other, even if you didn't say it as often as you feel you should have. It's not about who you were the last time you saw her, it's about who you were the whole time you knew her, you know?

Also, remind yourself that it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling right now. For example you mentioned you're feeling empty - and of course you are, you just lost a huge part of your life. So don't try to downplay your feelings, but - and this can be the trickier part - don't let yourself drown in them either. It's okay to be sad, and feel empty, and be angry, and whatever else, but if you let those feelings consume you they can easily take over your life. So yes, let yourself feel empty, but remember that it will get better. You may never truly 'get over' your mother's death, but the pain will lessen with time. The emptiness will start to give way to joy as you remember good times with your mother, and gradually you'll be able to focus more on the life she lived than the fact that she's passed away now, if that makes sense.

When someone you loved dies, it's very, very normal to regret not spending enough time with them. You can drive yourself crazy wishing you had one more day, or regretting that time you went to your friend's house instead of seeing your mother, but remember a) your mother wouldn't want you to dwell on those regrets, and b) even if you'd spent all your waking hours with her, it still wouldn't feel like it was enough. So acknowledge those feelings of regret, but don't get stuck on them.

Finally, as I said before, don't try to go through this alone. You just went through something huge, and shutting yourself off from your support network isn't a long-term solution. If you need time alone then go for it, but please don't think that you have to deal with this by yourself. And, of course, allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. It will take time for you to start feeling better, and maybe at the moment you can't even picture what 'feeling better' will look like. But it will come, and don't let anyone try to speed up the grieving process. This is your journey, and you'll heal in your own time.

I hope this helped, and once again I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself, okay?


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Re: i dont know what to do - October 18th 2015, 10:08 AM

i am sorry this happened...

and i want you to know, your mom would want you to be happy. Your mom would want you to smile and remember that your happiness is her happiness. There is absolutely no reason to think otherwise because your mom is clearly nice and sweet and understanding.

I also want you write a diary that involves "things to say to mom " and i know that it 's a good idea because it would remind you that your mom is sweet, your mom is nice.. and would want you to forgive yourself.

I want you to be really happy. Your mom would want the same thing as well... don't blame yourself okay? I want you to smile.. and from now on, be free of guilt.

You are loved. You'll always will be. ALWAYS. we'll make sure you always remember that fact. Rant to us anytime you want someone to listen


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rant to me if there's anything!

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As usual... pm me if you are ever having a tough day, and I'll respond immediately.

You guys deserve to be happy no matter what.. okay? You people are a bunch of lovelies ... and no matter what, you people deserve to be happy.
   
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Re: i dont know what to do - October 18th 2015, 07:23 PM

Hi Anna,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us here at Teenhelp. I know it can be hard to talk about things like this so be proud of yourself for getting in touch with us. I am really sorry for what you have and what you are going through. I lost a very close friend last year so while I will never understand what you are going through, I can definitely relate and I know from my experience how hard it can be.

You said yourself that none of you were expecting this to happen despite your mum being ill so that fact that you're just seventeen (in the middle of school and making friends) doesn't surprise and I think it's expected of you to have been doing these things, especially since you weren't expecting this to happen. At your age you're expected to be going to school and hanging out with friends and I am sure that is what your mum would have wanted for you so please don't feel guilty for that.

I can understand that you feel bad for not having a great relationship with your mum the last few weeks before she died, however, I also think that things like this happen in life and can't be avoided. I think when we lose someone we always search for the last interaction we had with that person and hope the words we said to the person were something nice or lovely but what ever, your mum loved you and you loved your mum. I think you both knew and still do know that.

When I lost my friend, I bought a little pretty box and started writing letters to her. I still do. It helps me to feel like I still have a connection with her. We also planted a tree for her in memory of her and had a memorial for her too. It just felt right, you know? But you've got to find what works best for you. Writing might not help you but doing art work for you might help.

I know this is all really hard on you but know you aren't alone in it. We're here to support you and help you through it so please don't be on your own and if you continue to reach out to us, we'll support you as best as we can and we won't ever judge you. And please know that you are always welcome to shoot me a PM for help if you ever need too. I'll always try my best to support you through this and help you.

Take good care of yourself and remember to reach out for help when you need it,
Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: i dont know what to do - October 28th 2015, 08:14 PM

When I was younger, my mom passed away as well. It will always be hard but you will learn to appreciate the good memories you had with her and this can help you later because she will inspire you to do better things
When my mom passed away, for years I shura lot of people out of my life. Now I realize that this is the worst thing that I could've done to cope with it. Don't feel like you're a burden to other people by talking about it. Your friends and family will be there for you and I know that it is easy to stay at home and not wanting to do anything. But try talking to somebody. Talk about the memories you two shared to keep the memories alive. When I was younger, I didn't do that so I don't remember much about her and I really regret that.
Even though you didn't have the best relationship towards the end, know that she still loved you very much. Everyone has their family arguments, try not to dwell on it too much.
Try start to write a journal about all of your feelings and that can help you sort out what you are thinking. Just keep on writing and don't stop. A lot of the ideas above about what to write in the journal are awesome as well.
I really hope that this helps a little bit and the pain will lessen over time, everything will turn out okay. Keep a good relationship with those around you and it will help through this.
Stay positive ❤️❤️
   
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Re: i dont know what to do - October 29th 2015, 02:58 PM

Anna,

I understand your grief and pain, I lost my closest friend last year. He committed a suicide. I was extremely shocked and couldn't stop asking myself "Why did you made this?" Also, we had an argue with him, he came out of my apartment, slammed the door with aggression - and I never see him again.

This situation even brought me some mental problems, but my beloved girlfriend helped me a lot. It's all about unfinished issues, when you want to finish it, get out of conflict - but can't.

You need to release your responsibilities and realize that you have no fault in things that happened. You can apologize to her mom aloud - because now she will be with you everywhere. Your life continues and there is no point in focusing on the past as past is not changeable and future is.

Don't regret about distancing from your mom, as she loved you anyway and understood you. Everyone here had his limited amount of time.
   
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