my cat was my little girl

[Ann2012]

A couple of months ago I lost my little girl, my cat, Tiger Lilly. It's painful still.

I raised her and helped her mom give birth to her. She was a very large and sturdy cat when she was full grown. She would lay on me when she was a kitten and just sleep. One time when she was about 6 months old she jumped to catch a grasshopper and jumped clear past my waist, I'm 5'5! It was so amazing to get to see it! She would run around the house when she was in and meow constantly, I couldn't ever figure out why. She would lay on me and kneed me, it hurt so bad and I would get upset. She even tried to bite my eyelashes! She also loved getting her belly rubbed so i would rub it and she would streatch out so far and reach out with all four paws. On occasion she would stretch from the floor to the top cushion where I was sitting and have me pet her, the whole time she would give me the most beautiful, loving look.

She was about 2 or 3 when she got pregnant. It's kind of funny because I thought she was a boy until she was about 1, I've never had such a hard time telling the sex of a cat. On top of that I had never seen a female cat built that way, she seemed strong and invincible.sad thing is she never made it for her first litter.

It was a stormy night, it was hailing. I opened the door in search of Tiger Lilly and her little brother and she ran in immediately. I noticed she didn't look pregnant anymore and my dad made me put her back outside so she "wouldn't get afterbirth everywhere" and we went out to look for the kittens without any luck.

The next day she looked extremely ill but my dad and I just thought she was tired from giving birth. Then I found the kittens, they looked deformed and like they had been stillborn with the exception of one. They were born a few weeks early by my calculation too. Finally I convinced my dad to take Tiger Lilly to the vet and on our way to the car we saw more kittens she had just had in the garage, all dead and not formed completely. On the way to the vet I kept talking to her. She was wrapped up in a pillowcase on my lap. I told her she had the most beautiful eyes, they were an amazing bright green against her fur. They talked for her... The look se gave me was indescribable but I think she knew she wasn't going to make it. I think I even told her it was going to be okay.

The vet was out on call at the time but he looked at her later and then called us. He said in a sad tired voice "it appears to me that this Tiger Lilly cat is dying". I stopped everything in shock and started crying like crazy. The next day I didn't go to school for morning classes, instead I went to see Tiger Lilly as soon as they opened. When we walked in the lady at the front desk went in the back to get the doctor. They came out with her pillow case and collar, they handed them to me and told me she died during the night.I choked out a thank you and hurried off in a far corner so they wouldn't see me crying hysterically. Just as I did that a couple brought in a cat that was mewing like crazy and it made it worse. Here I was in a corner crying hard while grasping my dead cats belongings.

After that I intended on burying her ashes next to her babies but the vet never called me to pick her up.

I went through a period of blaming my dad, the kittens she tried to have and even myself.

I still have her collar, it's around my desk post. I miss hearing the bell on it ring, her mewing constantly and just everything. It's been a long time and I still can't talk about her. I tried to mention her today but I choked on her name and had to close my eyes and take a deep breath before bringing her up, my voice still shook. I still cry when I think about her or what all happened and lately I've been thinking a lot. It just hurts so much... she's the last thing I had left of my old life before my mom left and I loved Tiger Lilly so much. I think, or rather feel she visits me in spirit frequently.

There's a cat here now that looks so much like her and I think he's her daddy, they even act alike. He's a wild cat but he lets me pet and hold him after working with him a little. He's big and strong just like she was... it makes me miss her even more.

I've cried so much and miss her like crazy. I never thought she would die that way. Worse part is I don't feel I showed her enough love, I tried but she didn't like being picked up and she used her claws and it hurt (like for the kneeding). If I would have known...

[Storm Arainellia]

wow thats so sad im sorry you went through that i used to have a cat it died when around the time my mom passed away she gave me that cat i know how it feels to lose a pet it hurts and its sad but just know they will always be in you heart and thats one thing that will never leave it will get easier i promise you just have to let it and you have to let yourself heal i wish you well take care feel free to pm me ok im always here for you

[Rosiee]

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you, I can't imagine losing my cat
It's great that you have so many good memories of her and it sounds like she was a very happy cat
Do not feel like you didn't give her enough love! You did! Cats love the smallest amount of attention, whether it meowing at them or letting them eat straight out a tuna can :P If you're really feeling bad, you should befriend the wild cat - it sounds like you're doing a good enough job already. Me and my sister befriended a wild cat and later that year we gave it to our grandparents after theirs died.
If you ever need to talk please feel free to pm me.