How do you respond when someone dies?

[Childish Giggle]

This question has been taking up a lot of my time! I know if someone close to me dies and everyone tells me they are "sorry for my loss" I'd kick their ass! I mean I wouldn't like random acquaintances telling me that when I know that it's just to be polite and they don't really care!
But even if it is someone close to me who lost someone, how do I respond? Like one of my grandmothers just lost her mother 2 weeks ago. She actually lives in France and is my e-mail grandmother. She writes to me in english and I write in french and we help each other in learning the languages by pointing out the mistakes. So she is 62 and her 92 year old mother died recently. And she is so sad that she took like 2 weeks to respond and then this time she wrote in french instead of english, that is how sad she is! I have absolutely no idea how to respond!

I just read the whole e-mail and her daughter-in-law or stepdaughter, I don't know which, belle-fille can mean both, has brain tumor and breast cancer. And she has 2 girls, one is 4 nd half years old and the other is 1 year old. So grand-mere will be going to live with them for a few moths to help them with this and all. and her husband will be replying to my e-mails in her absence. Honestly, what do I say to something like that? It reminds me of an old Bollywood movie, Anand. Its about a guy who is about to die of camcer and the way he lives his last days being happy and all and how he helps everyone cope with his death afterwards. BUt really, thats not something I can tell anyone about at a time like this. So, what should I be saying?

[Iris. ♥]

Unfortunately, there's no perfect response to that. Honestly, just keep sending her emails. Don't try to act any different. If possible, make the tone a little more positive. Just try not to make it sound forced. Honestly, your emails are probably a breath of fresh air for her. If she needs to talk, listen. Other than that, just be the loving granddaughter that you already are.

[Kate*]

This gets on my nerves too, my grandfather died about a week and a half ago and everyone kept telling me they were "so sorry", but I can't blame them because that's what I was taught to say too. There isn't much to say to someone, but I think it depends how they're dealing with it too. My grandpa was 93 and I believe he went to heaven and is with my grandma and the rest of his family. There's no reason in my mind to be "sorry" about that. Of course I miss him, love him, etc. but I know he's at peace in the best place possible so "I'm sorry" doesn't make sense to me. I kept accidentally responding with "it's okay" instead of "thank you" because it really is okay because it's better for him where he is now. There is always that awkward moment when you tell someone and wait to see what they say and most of the time it's I'm sorry or my condolences or something like that because there aren't that many available responses.

[eunoia]

An apology when someone passes is meant to express remorse beyond explanation. When there is little else to say, "I'm sorry" means "for all that you have lost, for what you can never regain, for everything I cannot do for you now". Sometimes "I'm sorry" or "I don't know how to help you" is more meaningful than the nonsense people come out with in their attempts to be "understanding"; because until it happens to you, you cannot understand.

When people told me they were sorry that my mother died, I wasn't annoyed or angry. I took it for what it was: all of their love could not bring her back to us, but they wanted me to know they regretted that as much as I.

[Audacious]

I know what you mean. When my baba died 3 years ago, all I heard was "aweeee...im sorry..." It was the most annoying thing ever. It made it feel worse. But I learned in group counselling (went to a group for kids who lost parents) that saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is a social norm...people don't know what else to say.

I like to go with a reflection of feelings...so like...say, "Wow, that sounds like it's really tough to deal with. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Acknowledging that what they are going through is SO hard will help the person see that you are hearing them and you are willing to offer them what they need. The trick, though, is that if you are going to offer help, you need to be available at 2am when that person calls you needing a friend. What is worse when you lose somebody close is when those close to you say "call me anytime" and you aren't available "anytime." Don't make promises you can't keep.

[Childish Giggle]

Thank you all It helped me a lot.