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Peer Pressure and Bullying Social pressure can take many different forms, including intimidation, bullying and even physical attacks. If you feel you could be a victim or perpetrator (who wishes to stop) of bullying, talk about it here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
~Radio Flyer~ Offline
Please call that story back.

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I'm a bully - February 16th 2017, 03:11 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I cant take it anymore. I was going to post what happened but I cant do it.



I cant do it anymore. I dont want to be a bully. It's not fair. I was crying and screaming on the top of my lungs "please stop. please leave me in peace so I can calm down" she says "no I'm not stopping, you got to shout so now I will too" I say, "PLEASEEEEEEEE STOPPPP HURTING MEEEEEEE" and she just went on saying "you're a bully and you bully others" etc And she kept telling me how I hurt people, I hurt my cat (when I cry and scream she goes to comfort him like he's the one hurting) , I bully everyone around me. She goes to her room but leaves the door opened and is still saying things and I'm crying please stop. This is what I remember the last interaction.

i WANT TO DIE SO BADLY. I CANT HANDLE BEING A BULLY. I DONT WANT THIS. i just want to feel safe and loved and heard. I hate myself so much

I called 911 and then hung up on them. I dont know why i did that. But when I did, my sister immediately closed the door of her room as if to swerve like I was planning to physically touch her but I wasn't. I was heading towards the phone. She constantly makes these movements and it's to show she is oh so scared of me and to show that I'm the bully. She is in total control and I am out of control. These movements she does is an act. She even laughs at me while I am crying and makes jokes. "I better watch out, here she comes" etc and laughs
Then I went to the bathroom and made a mess of my arms. Like I did it in a place really close to my wrists and on the front of them. I will not be able to cover that unless I have full length long sleeves. Woahooo

people at the support group and my new therapist say my older sister is abusive. But I always defend her. I want to make things better with her but I am angry. And I think my youngest sister isn't any better! She hides it so much but she's also really mean!
I said I dont feel cared about and I'm told that's just how I see it. As if the way I see things is wrong?! That was part of the fight but not all of it.
There's a saying in my family that if you think everyone doesn't care about you or you have a difficulty with everyone around you, then the problem must be you. I have a problem with most relationships in my life right now. So the problem is ME.

Last edited by ~Radio Flyer~; February 16th 2017 at 03:29 PM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a bully - February 17th 2017, 12:57 AM

That saying in your family is wrong. It may be something your family uses so that you put the blame on yourself instead. The blame does not belong on you. You are not the problem. Your family and they way they treat you is the problem; they're problematic and they are putting it on you. This is not your fault, and you're not the bully. People who bully others usually don't worry about it. They don't usually stop and wonder about how they treat others; they just do it without thought. I've seen you be considerate of your family, and of users on here, time and time again.

You are not a bully. Pigs will fly before you become a bully.

Here for you if you need anything.



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a bully - February 18th 2017, 12:26 AM

The saying in your family is really wrong. I knew people who used to believe in that saying until I pointed out real life evidence of nice people being treated badly by others in their life. You are not to be blamed.

I agree with everything that has been said above.

I also agree with your therapist and support group. Your older sister does seem to be abusive and puts the blame on you and hurts you. I understand how hard it must be to accept the fact that someone close to you is in the wrong especially when you are trying to make things right with them. But honestly, the way things are going instead of your relationship getting better you are going to keep getting hurt. Defending her to your support group is not going to make things better with her. You need to reach out to your therapist and support group members and seek support because you do not deserve to go through this alone.

If you don't feel cared about, then that is the truth. Blaming it on you and telling you, you see differently does not change the fact that you feel neglected. I may sound blunt here but instead of blaming everything on you, if your sisters took responsibility and acted better, things would be a lot better for all of you, as a family. But if they are not going to take steps, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.

I am not going to link you to the alternatives thread because I am sure you know where it is. I understand how difficult things must be for you but you are way above all of this. Don't let them get to you. We all know you and we all think you are an amazing person, so please don't let negative relationships make you think any less of yourself.

I know we haven't spoken much recently but I want you to know that I am here for you, always. <3

Stay strong. We all love you.
Kav


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I'm a bully - February 22nd 2017, 12:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassado View Post
That saying in your family is wrong. It may be something your family uses so that you put the blame on yourself instead. The blame does not belong on you. You are not the problem. Your family and they way they treat you is the problem; they're problematic and they are putting it on you. This is not your fault, and you're not the bully. People who bully others usually don't worry about it. They don't usually stop and wonder about how they treat others; they just do it without thought. I've seen you be considerate of your family, and of users on here, time and time again.

You are not a bully. Pigs will fly before you become a bully.

Here for you if you need anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormborn. View Post
The saying in your family is really wrong. I knew people who used to believe in that saying until I pointed out real life evidence of nice people being treated badly by others in their life. You are not to be blamed.

I agree with everything that has been said above.

I also agree with your therapist and support group. Your older sister does seem to be abusive and puts the blame on you and hurts you. I understand how hard it must be to accept the fact that someone close to you is in the wrong especially when you are trying to make things right with them. But honestly, the way things are going instead of your relationship getting better you are going to keep getting hurt. Defending her to your support group is not going to make things better with her. You need to reach out to your therapist and support group members and seek support because you do not deserve to go through this alone.

If you don't feel cared about, then that is the truth. Blaming it on you and telling you, you see differently does not change the fact that you feel neglected. I may sound blunt here but instead of blaming everything on you, if your sisters took responsibility and acted better, things would be a lot better for all of you, as a family. But if they are not going to take steps, you need to take steps to take care of yourself.

I am not going to link you to the alternatives thread because I am sure you know where it is. I understand how difficult things must be for you but you are way above all of this. Don't let them get to you. We all know you and we all think you are an amazing person, so please don't let negative relationships make you think any less of yourself.

I know we haven't spoken much recently but I want you to know that I am here for you, always. <3

Stay strong. We all love you.
Kav
Thank you both of you. I am closer with my 2 younger sisters but they get upset when I yell at my older sister and they have to be there or hear about it.1 sister isn't home till later in March but my youngest sister gets involved and tries to mediate. I don't want her to get involved. I used to mediate and stuff like that and I feel bad that she feels like the burden is going on her.
I can see how being around so much fighting is stressful and how they are upset at the people or person who fights.

I mean, everyone at home yells but when I yell, I lose my voice for days at a time and sleep out of exhaustion. It is almost like a self harm method as well as harming others. I want to stop fighting but I don't know how.

I feel so bad about how things turn out, about my behavior. I go against my morals on a daily basis.
   
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Re: I'm a bully - February 22nd 2017, 04:26 AM

Hey,

I understand what you are going through. Personally, I don't like raising my voice or shouting at people but there are people in my extended family who make it hard for me to keep calm. When I was younger I'd control my temper for a long long time until they made it impossible and then I'd shout. In the end, I'd be the bad guy even though everyone knew the others were wrong and I was being provoked. Sadly, the person that raises their voice gets a bad name irrespective of why they raised their voice.

As I grew up I realized there are some people not worth caring for. One of them is my younger cousin. She is just a year younger and we grew up together. We were very close until she started to provoke my temper just so she could see me get angry. For her it was fun, for me it was a lot of things, a mix of emotions that'd just made me feel worse every single time. With time I learned to use my negative emotions into doing something positive. I am still considered rude because I walk out of arguments instead of arguing back. Initially, it was hard but now it has become second nature to me. The minute I hear my extended family arguing, I walk out of the room.

I know it is harder for you since you live in the same house but maybe, next time you see an argument arising, walk out and go to your room. Fighting back or defending yourself is helpful only when the other person is ready to listen to you but from what you have described it looks like your sister just blames it on your more. Next time, walk out to your room and try using different ways to get your anger out. I learned that doing something physical helps me a lot. So, I clean my room, clean my cupboard or sometimes just skip on the skipping rope. If I am tired already, I draw/scribble on paper or just throw a ball at the wall for a long long time until my mind calms down. I have also realized that writing a letter to the person, I am angry at and then tearing it down and throwing it away, helps me. You could also write a blog or a poem as long as you are able to convert your anger into something positive.

You could try speaking with your younger sister and telling her how you feel. Maybe, next time there is an argument she could remind you to walk out of there instead of fighting with your older sister. There is a chance your older sister might make a bigger ruckus when you walk out but with time she will realize that she is the only one fighting and she will give up. There won't be any use for her to scream if she is not getting a response from you. From what it looks like, she starts the arguments to provoke you into reacting so if you don't give her the reaction she desires, she loses.

I know the urge to want to defend ourselves when we know we are right but trust me, repetitive arguments just make us feel worse. I am not sure if what I wanted to say has come across right but I hope it helps. I am just a message away if you want to talk or rant. <3

Kav.


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Re: I'm a bully - February 24th 2017, 01:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormborn. View Post
Hey,

I understand what you are going through. Personally, I don't like raising my voice or shouting at people but there are people in my extended family who make it hard for me to keep calm. When I was younger I'd control my temper for a long long time until they made it impossible and then I'd shout. In the end, I'd be the bad guy even though everyone knew the others were wrong and I was being provoked. Sadly, the person that raises their voice gets a bad name irrespective of why they raised their voice.

As I grew up I realized there are some people not worth caring for. One of them is my younger cousin. She is just a year younger and we grew up together. We were very close until she started to provoke my temper just so she could see me get angry. For her it was fun, for me it was a lot of things, a mix of emotions that'd just made me feel worse every single time. With time I learned to use my negative emotions into doing something positive. I am still considered rude because I walk out of arguments instead of arguing back. Initially, it was hard but now it has become second nature to me. The minute I hear my extended family arguing, I walk out of the room.

I know it is harder for you since you live in the same house but maybe, next time you see an argument arising, walk out and go to your room. Fighting back or defending yourself is helpful only when the other person is ready to listen to you but from what you have described it looks like your sister just blames it on your more. Next time, walk out to your room and try using different ways to get your anger out. I learned that doing something physical helps me a lot. So, I clean my room, clean my cupboard or sometimes just skip on the skipping rope. If I am tired already, I draw/scribble on paper or just throw a ball at the wall for a long long time until my mind calms down. I have also realized that writing a letter to the person, I am angry at and then tearing it down and throwing it away, helps me. You could also write a blog or a poem as long as you are able to convert your anger into something positive.

You could try speaking with your younger sister and telling her how you feel. Maybe, next time there is an argument she could remind you to walk out of there instead of fighting with your older sister. There is a chance your older sister might make a bigger ruckus when you walk out but with time she will realize that she is the only one fighting and she will give up. There won't be any use for her to scream if she is not getting a response from you. From what it looks like, she starts the arguments to provoke you into reacting so if you don't give her the reaction she desires, she loses.

I know the urge to want to defend ourselves when we know we are right but trust me, repetitive arguments just make us feel worse. I am not sure if what I wanted to say has come across right but I hope it helps. I am just a message away if you want to talk or rant. <3

Kav.
This post rings so true from the beginning description to the suggestions and everything else so thank you.

The rest of my family actually have suggested doing something more physical like going on walks and such. I tend to focus a lot on my creative energy (as you know I post in SE a lot) but I have this stuck physical energy that doesn't get out and I am hoping that now the weather is getting nicer I can do more physical exercise consistently and then maybe that will help with my impulse to react.

My younger sister would tell me go to my room and there were times when I resisted st first because I felt punished but I ended up going. When I'm in my room I would still be so angry and I end up throwing clothes or books against the wall. I know that's not the best thing to do. But I used to slam doors and write on the walls and other things I'm ashamed of.

There was a time I got really good st walking away but when I would, my older sister would shout from the other room and call me names or there were times when my younger sister and I were in my room and talking and she was helping me calm down but my older sister would listen in and say things that I ended up shouting back. Sometimes I would even go back out of my room and yell at her.
I did my fair share of fueling the fight. I dont want to and I try to tell myself I'm not a bully but even when I have normal thoughts I get intrusive thoughts about how my normal thoughts were things only bad people would think about. I am taking on the label.

I didn't see my therapist this week because she was out for the holiday but she mentioned we will work on walking away. I am going to ask her if we can role-play because maybe that will help me get practice of a specific dialogue script?
I called the crisis line yesterday and the counselor gave me tips how to speak to her. 1) stick to one topic even though there's an urge to discuss everything at once 2) start out with a positive statement "I noticed you washed the forks really well this morning. But maybe we can work on getting things done in a timely manner. What do you think about next time we..."
I mean I *know* these things. I use these communication techniques all the time. But with her, I lose it. I can barely get a sentence out before I start crying and screaming at her.
My father told me to talk to her the bare minimum possible. Just treat her like a human being but don't try to be close or to teach her or be friendly whatsoever.
I dont know. Im going to try that I guess. I feel so unsettled.
There is more going on right now but I guess I will keep that away from the public forums. I'm a bit paranoid.
   
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Re: I'm a bully - February 24th 2017, 02:15 PM

Hey, I am glad it helped.

I agree with the rest of your family on this. The pent up energy needs to be utilized. I used to go for a run sometimes, don't know how it slipped my mind to mention that in my previous post. The best thing about physical exercise was that it made me too tired and I'd end up sleeping or resting and it would not give my mind the chance to overthink things. This might not help with this situation directly but it does help with situations where you overthink.

There is nothing to be ashamed. It is okay to take out your frustration in different ways, everybody does it in the heat of the moment. Don't let it make you feel bad. What matters is that you are ready to try healthy ways of coping with your anger and that is all that matters.

It does make things difficult if your older sister follows you when you walk away. There is only so much you can do to avoid her. I'd suggest going out for a walk or to a park when things at home get too much to deal with but I also realize you can't just walk out always and at any time of the day. I can suggest one thing. I used to do that often when my mom and I used to have continuous fights when I was a teenager. I'd go to my room and close the door but sadly that wouldn't stop the constant voice flow. I'd plug in earphones, then. I know, rude. But hey, the door is closed, they don't know you have your earphones on. They will just think you are not responding and walk away. I am telling you this because I don't want you to listen to your sister calling you names. Even though you and I know what she calls you doesn't matter and is not true, our mind does play games with us where we end up thinking the names a bully call us are true. So best, avoid it. I hate telling people to avoid their problems, I usually tell them to fight it but there are some situations like these where avoiding is much better than fighting back.

I know you mentioned you are trying to work on making things better with your older sister but given the current situation, I am going to agree with your father. Keeping your contact with her to the bare minimum is best for you because I can see how all this is affecting you and I don't think you deserve to go through all of this. I am glad you have your therapist's support and I hope it helps you once you start working with her on this. The counselor on the crisis line did give some good advice and I hope it works for you. Thank you for sharing what this counselor said, it surely will help me as well. <3

I am sorry there is more going on and I understand your decision to keep it away from the public forums. You can always use HelpLink for it. I am just a PM away if you want to talk about it, okay?

Take care. <3
Kav


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