Non-PG13 (Strong Language): I'm a bully - please help me

[Wolfmanne]

If you've read the title, you'll know what I'm about to talk about. Yes, I am a bully.

I wasn't always one; in fact, I was actually bullied. From Reception to Year 2, I had been attending private school before being moved to the state school system. I had an hard time making new friends in Year 3, since people were different compared from my old friends, and in Year 4 it became worse when a new kid came to school (we have since made up and are now mates). He would bully me quite often. Since it was a Catholic School, we didn't really beat each other up or have fights but that meant we could do much more emotional pain.

I got into a circle of friends in Year 4 in the end and they would stick for more for the rest of my Primary School life. However it was here that I started to become a bully. I would tease a few of my mates for a laugh but it would eventually turn into bullying. One of my victims used to be my best friend at the time of when I was struggling to make friends. I am appalled at I what I did to him but when he told on me, we made up. However we always made up and we were always friends in the end, so it didn't really affect any of us. This was mostly during Year 5.

In Year 6 I started to gain the respect of other students. My popularity had increased. I didn't really bully that much but a new student had came. I hated him and so did my friends - in Year 5, when I was bullying, I punched him in the nose. He was weirdo as well and the only reason people liked him was because he was new and people bullied him at his old school.

The new boy started to steal my friendship from my mates. I slowly got demoted from levels like 'friend' to even 'acquaintance'. Eventhough my popularity had increased, he was stealing the people who mattered to me. It was like he pushed himself into the circle of friends I was in and had thrown me out.

Secondary school had came and the new boy (for now I'll call him T since that is the first letter of his name) and I went to the same school, while my class mates left for other secondary schools. I was in the same form as him and I'd become friends with his friends. However I learnt that I was hanging out with the neeks (it means a goody-goody) and the nerds, so I left that circle of friends and joined a new one, which were kids from the 3rd highest set to the 3rd lowest and sometimes lower, eventhough I was in the top set so I wasn't expected to mix with them.

And I found my victim in T's circle of friends.

I'll call that victim J, since that was the first letter of his name. Now this J had also had an hard time; he went to a Primary School in his old village but moved into the suburb where I lived and attended a new one. He was apparently bullied for his entire time there and he had 3 or 4 friends throughout his entire Primary School life - it gets worse for him, for when he left Primary School, he had NO friends AT ALL.

In Secondary School, it was no different; he was in the same set as me. That set was the top set. I don't like the top set students; they exclude me from the stuff that they do and I think it was them that pushed me to bully J. These people didn't want to be friends with me. They would exclude from the things they did. I'd have fun on the field playing Rugby or during break talking to my mates but when it was class, I was in the sh*t again. It was bullying in some ways.

The other reason was because I was bullied into bullying; the people I'm talking about will H and R. I'd met H on my first day of Secondary School; he played a joke on me and I fell for it. We were going to be mates at first but for some reason he didn't want to be mates with me. He didn't bully me physically but mentally. Worse he sat next to be during form time (he eventually moved away). Eventually I told on him and I sort of became his "friend", rather than a proper friend. R, friend of H, also bullied me but now I'm "friends" with him.

My set was excluding me and I was being bullied; I had so much emotional stress. I couldn't tell my mates, since they would expect you to 'rub it off your face' or something. With J, it first began with something H started; he said 'dolphins are dyslectic' and this started a classroom argument. I kept annoying J by telling him that dolphins are dyslectic, which really did annoy him as he explained to me why dolphins were not dyslectic. That may not had been as bad as what I would later but it did light the spark.

J was also ginger and had an hard time in Secondary School. I guess he would hear the word ginger at least a thousand times per day at school. During a Maths lesson (where much of my bullying would occur later on) I kept on whispering ginger to him. He told and I was in trouble with the teacher.

This is where the proper bullying started and it was more of a 'traditional bully gang'. I walked into school find J being picked on by a group of students. J had a sort of bag thing which carried a jacket you could stuff in. Those bullies were throwing it around, catching it and then throwing it. I joined in and it was quite fun. He started making a noise like a T-Rex, claiming that he made the noise for when he was angry. That would only make the bullying worse.

We then stopped in the end when he threatened to tell on us. However one of the bullies, who I will call JPlus (since his name also begins with a J), seatbelted him (it is a prank where you pull the bag back and it falls off - sometimes to make the victim full down). J fell onto the floor and he decided to tell.

However being told off didn't stop me or JPlus; JPlus continued to pick on Jake, even worse than me. He would physically abuse him during class. He said once that he had been punched 30 times during class. JPlus would get into trouble but he would always continue. I would just do stuff like steal pencil his case, his equipment, seatbelts and other pranks.

I then chose to start physically bullying him; instead of beating him up for no reason, I would motivate him to try to attack him. When he was angry and started to attack me, I would have the class on my side, rather than on his, making that part of his life hell. I found out when I was playing a prank on students that he had a back weakness and I would slap him on the back. He would then say that he had 'broken his spinal cord' or something, which we lead me to mocking him about it. I had turned into JPlus now.

I wasn't a bully who would go up to you and make fun of people but I was an opportunist bully; I'd wait for the right moment to strike. If he'd messed up something, I'd make fun of it. If he was being bullied by someone else, I'd join in the bullying. Bullying made me feel like I was part of something, especially due to the class I was put in. I hated that class so much. I would think that my classmates thought I was a neek or something, eventhough I wasn't. I was and am still, very paranoid about how my classmates thought about me.

The list can go on of what I did to J. Nonetheless I still want help; how can I stop bullying? What about my classmates? If you want to know more, I'll write some more down.

[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

From the sounds of it, you already want to stop bullying, otherwise you would not take the time to write out such a post. Simply put, since you don't start the bullying, you also can choose to not join in later on. Chances are, you'll get some odd looks from others, including JPlus and possibly be on the receiving end of the bullying. You could either be truthful and say you don't want to be part of the bullying any longer or you could spin a lie, such as your parents got a phone call from the teacher or principal so you're in deep shit with them and want to steer clear for a bit.

The harm was done to your classmates, apologize if you want but keep in mind, it would be unusual, both for them and for the other bullies to see. It's up to you if you want to take that risk. Instead of apologizing, you could stick up for the classmates. The other bullies probably would have a go at you because you're not only leaving the group, you're now opposing the group. Your classmates wouldn't think you're a neek simply because you stop bullying.

My view is if you're so paranoid over how you'll be perceived as no longer a bully, it shows you're pathetically weak. To me, it shows you lack a spine and aren't with the other bullies for the fun of it, you're with them so others perceive you as someone with power as you have no chance of obtaining such a view otherwise. I say this as someone who also was a bully, either someone who joined in like you or someone who started and finished the bullying. In school, it ranged from tackling a student on the pavement, giving a quick few stomps and resulting in them having chipped teeth with lips torn wide open. I was also on the receiving end of the bullying but unlike the students you claim to bully, I lured them away from the school and went at them one-on-one, instead of six-on-one. You're not likely to encounter such a student I was since I also stood up for others who were bullied, intimidated and humiliated them in front of everyone, followed them around the schoolyard for days on end doing this. Once I saw the fear in their eyes, that's when I increased what I was doing.

Like I said, chances are very slim you'll encounter a similar student but always keep it in mind that others who see what you do may eventually decide to stick up for them and usually these people aren't going to back down immediately. I only backed down once I saw the teacher coming or until the bully looked so miserable, there was no fight left in him.

[BDF]

Sometimes I wish I could punch my 15 year old version of myself in the teeth. I generally tolerate 0 bullying, yet several times in school I went on the offensive myself.

The best thing you can actually do I think, is say sorry to the guy you've been bullying. I know it's awkward, but seriously it'l make you feel better afterwards, especially that you sound like you actually feel guilty about what you've been doing. About how to deal with your friends, you do not necessarily have to oppose them, but challenge them. Persuade them into doing something more useful with yourselves as a group. What's the point in picking on the same kid all the time, or on any kid (lol)? If you don't want to bully, don't bully. You'l feel better if you don't and even lose a few "friends", than if you do bully and use the bullying to build friendships with others.

[black_butterfly]

Well it is clear that you have the 'want' to stop bullying, and I can see that you really regret what you have done. What I think you could do is, like what the above posts have said, apologise to them. You should probably reflect on your actions and decide why you began bullying. Once you find out, it would be easier to restrain yourself.

[hypergirl]

i was a bully myself and it was because my freinds said i had 2 but later i realised that i was really mean so i said sorry and i now hang with nerds and have a fun time with them

[Wolfmanne]

Cheers guys. You've really helped.

[razors_and_rosary]

I'm glad you're trying to stop - being aware of what you're doing is an important step too many people never make. So well done for that. You're now on the road to being a better person. Sorry if that sounds cheesy. Doesn't stop it being true (:

To be blunt, you're never going to truly fit in as a bully. People will know you as one and judge you from it. They won't want to be with you, because they'll see you as a cruel person. They won't relax around you and will avoid your company, unless they are also bullies looking for support. You've been both a bully and a victim - you can empathise with both sides here.

There is no easy way out. What you are lacking is confidence, as many bullies do. You don't want to be like JPlus, you don't want to get your kicks from other people's misery. It's not who you are. You need to find the courage to be yourself. Bullying makes you feel like somebody, but that doesn't change the fact that they're nobodies.

Be casual about stopping. Find something better to do with your time. Occupy yourself with something else, like a hobby such as drawing or reading. (The word 'nerd' shouldn't mean anything to you if you know you're not one.) This should help deter backlash from you stopping. If possible, get some of the others involved in something different. Claim that bullying isn't fun or interesting - and shrug off any accusations that you're a neek. Be deadpan. Be calm. Most importantly, be confident. You know you're not a bully, not really.

Of course you'd rather be bullying than be bullied again, but you know how the bullies think. You know what will make them back off. If they turn against you, all you can do is keep your head up and survive it. You'll become the good guy, and this will make you more likeable.

If you feel confident enough, try to meet with your victims in private and apologise, or at least explain that you're going to stop. If you can make allies with them, you'll find yourself supported. Making it clear that you're sincere about this decision will help them forgive you. You've make friends with bullies and victims before.

The one thing you mustn't do is give up on this. If you become a bully again, you'll never progress. You'll stay scared and lonely forever. You'll stay afraid of being on your own. You'll stay trapped. You can't do that. You can't live like that. You've got to be honest. You can do it. I don't doubt you at all. You can get out of this.

Best of luck - let us know how things go (:
r&r