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Brandon Offline
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So Much Pressure...[long thread] - April 26th 2012, 04:50 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My sister got a corporate job today at Carmax as a statistical analyst, a real paying job, and she's 21 years old. I'm her bigger brother, by a year, and my progress is considerably different than hers. Society tells me that a bigger brother is supposed to set an example for younger siblings, but I haven't lived with my mom since 13-14 years old and therefore haven't been much of a brother to my sister. In high school, my sister got caught smoking marijuana in the girl's restroom, and she was involved with other drugs (I'm not sure which ones) with my cousin before my cousin committed a crime and went to jail (she's still in jail after several years). You would think that with that kind of history, my sister isn't someone you should look up to...but compared to me, she probably should have been the bigger sibling. Though I didn't do drugs or drink alcohol like she did, I am in a much different situation than she is. At the end of the day, she's the one with the real job while I'm the one with a mediocre job trying to get a degree in something without even knowing what I want to do with my life.

I'm not going to conclude that I'm a failure and she's successful because I know that there's many factors that come into play. The first and most important is human genetics. My mother is a math teacher, a very brilliant math teacher, and my sister liked math for a long period of time after she got out of the "I wanna be a veterinarian and help animals" phase. While I'm certain that she worked hard to make excellent grades, both in high school and college, I'm also certain that she is considerably more intelligent when it comes to school subjects than I am.

For most of my teenager life, I've been depressed because of what happened between my mom and I that resulted in me feeling extremely guilty and wanting to kill myself. Obviously, having only one goal in life, to kill myself, is not very beneficial to my education because I didn't try as hard as I should've because I didn't see myself living that much longer and that it didn't really matter. Also, I didn't think about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life because...again...I didn't think that I'd be living that much longer. I didn't worry about my grades, and I didn't worry about my future for several years. As you can imagine, my productivity level was down, and I slacked off for several years in school and my future. I got a job because I was threatened that I'd be kicked out of the house if I didn't, I made A's and B's in school because I was threatened to be grounded from the internet and such. I never really did things for myself besides buying the occasional video games and electronics for temporary satisfaction.

Normally, I wouldn't think it was such a big deal because I know that my sister has been more fortunate: it must be nice knowing what you want to do with your life at an early age, to have smarts in the area that you want to be smart in, not having to get a job till 19-20 years old and going to school full time. I'm sure that if I was in the same situation, had the same life that she did, I'd at least have a good understanding of where I'm at in life and so forth, but I'm not so fortunate. I always knew my sister was smarter than me, and the only thing I'm better at is being older than she is. I'll always be a bigger brother, but that's really about it. But she's just another factor into my feelings over-all. The other issue is my girlfriend who isn't much different than my sister.

They're both intelligent in school, my girlfriend knows what she wants to do with her life and is working hard at that dream. I work more hours than she does, but if we consider the amount of money she makes in scholarships...she probably makes more money than me per semester. Both are individual women with hopes and dreams, the "I don't need no man holding me back" attitude, and hard workers...whether it's school and/or work.

I am a hard worker, but I don't have much to show for it. With everything that has happened in my life, the way I've been battling my depression for many years, I am worse off. I want to wake up in the morning and know exactly what I'm shooting for in life, but the only thing I see is being with my girlfriend, owning a house, having kids, and smiling while not even knowing what I'm doing. Am I gonna be a race car driver? A therapist? A video game designer? An international spy? The possibilities are endless because I want to be everything but nothing at the same time. If I don't get my act together, my girlfriend will eventually realize that I'm holding her back and will either convince me to change, SOMEHOW, or she'll leave me. My parents and grandparents will realize that my sister is only 21 and working a real job, and they'll eventually look down on me, telling me to hurry up, threatening me until the point where I feel less of a person. At that point, I'll want to go back to killing myself only I won't because I have a girlfriend who I really care about. I want direction in my life, but no career assessment test has given me the answer, and I can't seem to find the motivation that I need. I know that I need a college education, but I don't feel it. I feel immense pressure, but no guidance. I feel alone with the clock ticking and it's all a matter of time when something happens and I hit rock bottom again. I'm stuck, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
   
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Re: So Much Pressure...[long thread] - April 26th 2012, 05:33 PM

Believe it or not I feel your pain, I graduated college a year later than I was supposed to, I'm still unemployed despite graduating almost a year ago, I'm looking at paying for graduate school with a massive amount of loans and all my friends are employed, getting married, and/or having kids (everything that I want for myself) and I'm sitting here, giving advice on the internet for no money. Not that I don't love it, but stick with me here.

I could easily beat myself up over everything that I didn't do, or didn't do right, but that would be a waste of my time and energy. Like you I battled suicidal depression for years while my peers and parents didn't so naturally my path will be different from theirs. I wish at times that I could have at least some of what other people my age have and it does get to me sometimes, but those things will happen for me eventually, even if it isn't on someone else's timeline.

My life could've gone so much differently if I had done the post-secondary option while in high school, or gotten a job as a teenager, or taken an internship in college, but I also realize that given my depression, I couldn't have handled it and I made the responsible decision to forgo that in favor of not trying to kill myself. Other people don't understand that, and until they feel how I felt for 10 years, they won't.

You have to do what's best for you, and try to tune out what other people say. They will probably try to compare siblings, most people do, but you aren't your sister and your life is going to turn out differently than hers does. You have to do what makes you happy, which may include seekng help; that's up to you. A lot of people don't know what they want to do at our age, I was one of the lucky ones. Start by eliminating the impossible and the things you know you DON'T want to do and go from there. Also, you ARE smart there are different types of intellegence and people are more and less talented in different areas. It doesn't mean people are better than you.


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Re: So Much Pressure...[long thread] - April 28th 2012, 07:30 AM

Stop comparing yourself to your sister, congrats to her, but you are your own person. Just figure out what you want to do and go for it. Forget everything else, if you truly want something and work for it you will get it.

Just make a list of what do you like and what do you see yourself doing. For example if you like cars, then say i'm going to be a mechanic.

You gotta get out of the mole of what society and people view as acceptable. They say the best job is the one that makes you happy. If you keep listening to the negatives its only going to bring you down. Use all the negatives as motivation. You have an important trait which is hard working, just figure out what you want to do and go after it.
   
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