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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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i can't do this anymore - February 14th 2018, 07:11 AM

this doesn't really fit entirely here but it's the closest thing.

i finished my second day of the new semester today. i'm taking 4 classes this semester as opposed to 3 last semester. 13 units total. i'm also working anywhere from 16-29 hours a week.
each semester of college i've gotten afternoon/evening classes because i hate waking up early and was under the stupid impression that now that i was an adult and in college i would start to live my own life, but no. i have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to take my brothers to school because my parents can't take care of their own kids. like it's somehow my fault they didn't believe in abortion.

i don't make nearly as much money as i would like to. i thought once i started getting paychecks i'd relax about money but it seems like i'm even more stressed now than i was when i was broke. i like to spend money and it seems like each week there's something that i need or want to buy. last week it was a sobriety keychain for going a full year without self-harming. that wasn't necessary but i wanted to get something for myself. this week it's textbooks for school.

just a heads up that this post is already very disorganized and probably will not be organized at all throughout this whole thing.
speaking of textbooks, i don't even know if it's worth it, because i kinda don't know if i'll want to drop a class. my friends are fucking stupid. i changed my schedule up so that i could get the same english class and world religions class with them. those classes are 10 minutes apart and on opposite ends of campus, so we'll need to hurry every day to make it to the second class. i really didn't want to risk that, but i wanted those classes with them because i'm lost without friends in a class. last semester there was a class where i never talked to anyone except the teacher.
but my friends are dating each other, and one of them couldn't get in to the english class, so naturally the other friend is considering dropping that class to be with his girlfriend 24/7. because fuck me, right? they already live together and have all their other classes together, i think it's unhealthy that two fucking full grown adults can't bear to spend an hour apart.

i'm constantly looking for new ways to make money, because i just don't think i'm making enough. since i buy things each week, my bank account stays pretty stagnant, in the same spot. of course it'll go up when my paycheck goes through, but it'll go right back down by the end of the week, guaranteed. i've tried cutting back, but some things i just can't avoid paying for, like fees and gas and stuff. something always comes up.

i think i'm stressed about money because i want to move out as soon as possible. i want to be able to have guys over and smoke weed and just do whatever without having to worry about getting caught or the smell of the smoke. stupid reasons, yeah, but that's just some of the benefits.
i think above all of that, i just want a change. seriously, right now i would love nothing more than to cut everyone off from my life... the good people and the bad... and just move to fucking arkansas or some shit. somewhere completely random where i can live by myself and start a whole new life.
it's crazy and a little terrifying how perfect that sounds to me. like how happy that would make me. and i'm so scared to do it but i feel like i need to do something drastic like that in order to search for happiness or whatever. i've been taking classes at this same community college ever since junior year of high school. this college is literally in the same parking lot as my old high school. i still see my rapist waiting by the bus stop at least once a week. i still see idiots from high school that i'd rather forget ever existed.

i don't even want to be in college. i fucking hate taking classes. or at least the classes that are required for general ed. i hate being in class and i hate feeling like i have to go to college, but i don't know any other way to "succeed" in the world. and i definitely don't want to be working with the ridiculously stupid people i have to deal with on a daily basis.

i think the worst part about all of this is that i don't give a fuck about anybody here. or anybody in my life for that matter. and i'm not just saying it to be an edgy tryhard. last year around this time, i was madly in love with someone who i was planning to move 3000 miles to be with, and was convinced i would marry him. i was looking forward to the day my best friend would finally be allowed to contact me again, after her parents forced her to cut me off. i appreciated my two closest friends (the ones who are dating) so much and believed everything they said.
now i pretty much hate that guy. my best friend moved to college in a different state and told me we could hang out when she visited. apparently she was here last month but i never heard about it. we haven't spoken for months either. and my two friends, it's obvious they only care about themselves and each other. and even when they appear to care about me, it's just to patronize me for being stupid or making "bad" decisions.

what i'm trying to say is i don't have a person anymore. whenever important things happen in my life, i have this natural urge to go and tell the guy i used to love. or my best friend. or my closest friends. and every time that happens it hits me, yet again, that he doesn't love me, that she doesn't care about me, and that they could live without me. and i keep it to myself. i just keep bottling everything up and i am genuinely alone.

i really, really don't want to be living this life anymore.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Celyn Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Re: i can't do this anymore - February 16th 2018, 09:42 PM

You've got a lot on your plate there- more classes than last semester, plus work, and the responsibility of your younger brothers.

I think it's natural to think that once you start getting paid, then you'll feel less stressed as you'll have more money to spend on the things that you want. And it's stressful when this isn't the case as you have to factor in other costs, such as textbooks. You definitely deserve to treat yourself and it's good you got yourself a sobriety keychain for being self-harm free for a year. If you don't already, then you may want to think about budgeting- calculating how much you earn and spend each month and make allowances for spending money. This way, you might not be stressed out so much over where your money is going. And maybe you can see if you can save a bit, if that's a possibility too.

If you are unsure about whether to drop a class and don't know whether it's worth getting the textbook, maybe you can see if you can find the textbook in a library? At the same time, even though I do understand that you would take the same classes to be with your friends rather than by yourself, it might help to focus on yourself. As you found out, friends can have other plans. If you don't enjoy the class, with or without friends, then there's nothing wrong with dropping out. Or if you do enjoy the class, there's nothing wrong with staying even if your friends drop out.

It's also understandable that you would want to move out. You are a young adult, responsible and hard working, so it's only natural that you would want that independence away from your family (especially when you have responsibility over your siblings!)

Even though it's good to have dreams, and understandable that you would feel frustrated with your life right now, it's also worth bearing in mind that as cheesy as it sounds, happiness comes from within. In the future, you could move out and that would come with benefits of your own rules and not having to see your rapist again, but it's still good to find happiness in other ways e.g. getting work that you enjoy doing, or do things that you are interested in doing, rather than just going to college because that's how to 'succeed' even though you don't like the classes.

It's okay to feel like you don't care about anyone. You're at that awkward stage of life where friends are starting to do their own things, and this can lead to feelings of just drifting apart- friends saying you can meet up sometime, and then not telling you when they are in the area etc. Have you tried reaching out the friend that you haven't spoken to in months? Sometimes people get caught up in their own lives that it can be difficult for them to juggle their life, but it could still be worth contacting them. You could still try contacting others when you have good news, even if you feel they don't care about you, as they might surprise you and show you that they still care about you! If it's not worth it in your eyes, that's okay too. You will find people who care about you as much as you care about them, I'm sure!

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