Survivor

[Jazzz]

I started what you could call self harming at the age of eleven, i had been bullied throughout my school life, if you were to ask me now if i could remember a day when i had not been bullied i still would not be able to answer. first i began with just hitting walls over and over until my knuckles were raw, then it developed into hitting myself with objects. I then began making small burns over my skin. By the time i was in year 8 i was doing things like that everyday, i would sit in the toilet at home and just cry, i had no friends my pets were the only things that could even make me feel slightly happy, i began confiding in my hamsters, they would spend hours with me each day. My first was called Carot he used to come into the toilets with me and witness me crying. As my Sh began to develop i would burn more, however it was not until 2 years ago that i started cutting. My first cut was done at school after people had tried to burn my hair of in a science class, it then developed into me using glass and finaly razors.

Now to leave that side of it for a while. 24th March 08, started of as any normal day we had the day after of sschool because of teacher training so my friend decided to have a party, i didn't want to go but my friend ended up persuading me to go with her. I agreed and it started of fine, i drunk a hell of alot as did many other people apart form one guy. The it was suggested we play Strip poker, i was at the stage where i didn't know what was going on, so i just dod what pepole told me to do and kept 'loosing' so it got to the stage where i was just in my underwear then i ended up with just pants on so hid under the duvet, the guy that didn;
't drink then came under the duvet with me, we ended up kissing, which was fine i didn't think anything of it. I then went to the toilet and he followed me in, he then ask me 'do you want to' and i said 'what' and he kept repeating himself over and over again, and i kept replying the samething. He then told me to lie on the floor where he proceded to ...

After that happened he went back into the other room where the last few people were now watching James Bond, i stayed in the batchroom and cut myself over and over, till my arms where just blood, they were just minor cuts but i had cut my arms enough so that i still carry the scars, a continues reminder of what happened. After i went back into the other room i was very upsett, my best friend was getting off with an ex so i had no one to talk to and sat on the sofa on my own, the guy then came and sat with me, he held me around the neck so i couldn;t leave and he made me do things to him.

As you can imagine i have struggled with this for the past year, i went to councelling for a while but was unable to talk about it face to face with an adult. So i decided to deal with it on my own as my friends did not believe me as they said as i hadn;t gone to the police it wasn't true.

I have had many bad experiances with men since, i have been unable to say no and they have taken advantage of me, but never in the same way that he took advantage of me.

I made myself begin to deal to begin with it was just SH then i started to not eat however none of this made me feel better i needed to stop and sort myself out. I made a New year resalotion not to Sh ever again, i didn;t want that guy to know that he still had power over me.

Sincve then i have not cut once, he no longer has power over me. I sometimes keep a diary, when things are bad i write poems, on extreemly bad days i don;t eat.... but in my eyes i have recovered i have become the person i am today, i wanted my first post on th after it came back to be a story of recovery, which is why i haven't posted in a long time.

I had something taken away from me that i can never get back but

I am a survivor




(thanks to Ellie, Mel, Anna without whom i would not be here. Teenghelp was part of my recovery i met people like me who have been through hell, they have looked after me seen me through the good times and the badtimes)

[Ashley-Dawn]

oh that is such an inspiration to many people I am sure. I dont know you but i think it is really great that you took the initiative (my word of the day, lol) to help yourself.

good job =)

[i_am_me_again]

Jazzz,

That brought tears to my eyes, but your right, your a fighter...your a survivor.

& an inspiration for those who have gone through similar (like myself)

Be proud of who you are.

& thank you for sharing.

Jamie
xx

[Jazzz]

Thankyou,
when i wrote my first post (this) i wanted to attempt to show people that you can help yourself, in my life i found very few people that i can trust. The realisation hit me hard but then i know that i can always trust and help myself : )

Thanks guys