My story (reposted)

[sturmeskind]

I just thought, I'd put this back up... and update it a bit.

I am going to tell you the story of my life.

It started on the last day of May in 1987. It was hot for that time of year in the town in the north of Bavaria where I was born and my mother had troubles giving birth. My father must have been out of his mind that day. I took my first breath almost exactly at five o'clock p.m after
fifteen hours of stress for me and my mum.

I was a quiet child, even then. When my sister was born two years after myself I was happy. What I remember of my early childhood was filled with laughter, warmth, happiness. It was a good time.

At some time, however, my quietness got me in trouble. My mum started to notice that I'd much rather "read" my picture books than play with the other kids and that I spent a big part of my time dreaming. She also noticed that I was not as good as other children at certain things (like knitting for example). The Doctor diagnosed ADS and I went to therapy for the first time, which was fun actually.

When I was six, I was supposed to start school. However, because of my supposed illness, my mum was afraid of everything which could have overwhelmed me and let me stay in kindergarten for one more year - I hated it.

When I finally went to school it was a Montessori School on the other side of the town. None of my friends went there and I felt quite out of place with all the hippie children. I even lost touch with my old friends, because our schools and therefore our lives were so different.
I spent a lot of my time reading and the teachers let me according to the principles of the school. We were allowed anything anyway. It was a time with lots of flowers, free time, books, braiding hair and music of harps. And of tambourines.

The first time I actually noticed I was "different" was when my sister was enrolled at the normal primary school in our village. My parents didn't seem to have that always-worrying hippie behavior where she was concerned. Later, I hated them for that.
My father lost his job. One long, hard year he was out of work. We were quite poor these days, my mum couldn't teach because she had chosen the two subjects in the world that no one at that time needed. My father went to school again and went from an unhappy molecular biologist to a happy computer-whatever guy. He got a job, a hundred kilometers away, in a different federal state.

And I had to go to a normal primary school for my last year there. I was new, strange and I could hardly understand what the people were saying. Of course I was bullied. However, I did make friends eventually and started to fit in. My first marks were quite good.
By now, another doctor had examined me. It was a specialist on ADS and he gave me Ritalin, which I took for two years. My mum said, I was calmer, but I didn't notice anything like that and started to think I was disabled or seriously ill.

In Germany, there are three sorts of secondary schools, one for the smart kids, one for the middle and one for those who don't do so well. Even though I could have gone to the school for the smart kids, I went with the broad mass in the middle one, mostly because of my mums fear of overwhelming me. Things started to get bad, I lost my friends, my happiness and finally my trust in other people, being bullied for the next two years straight. I was glad when my father told us we'd move back to Bavaria this time to the very south.

We moved into the second house of my grandfather on the edge of the alps. A beautiful place. And I dreaded having to go to a new school again.
My marks at the old one had, despite everything, been flawless. So my mother, who was hopeful for me all of sudden, put me into the school for smart kids. I had some small troubles but blended in effortlessly. I didn't trust the other children however and therefore was always alone. I sank into deep depression. Meanwhile my new doctor noticed that I actually never had ADS and got rid of the Ritalin. I resented my parents for a long time for that story. Years passed and I got more and more depressed.

IT started on the beginning of my 10th grade. I had noticed my hands were shivering constantly some years ago, but put it down to the usual motor skill troubles. When my mum and in consequence my doctor noticed I got therapy again for that. My mum felt helpless about it.
Now back to the beginning of my 10th grade. I felt sort of restless and my fear and mistrust of people had magnified. Suddenly I was afraid of everything, but at the same time I tried to prove to myself and to my mum that I actually could achieve everything I wanted. I tried too hard.

The attack came in the middle of a Latin exam in late September. I don't really remember my arms and legs shivering uncontrollably and leaving the room. I was in hospital for two weeks, legs and arms calmed down again when I wasn't upset and the doctors couldn't find out what was wrong with me. Finally I was diagnosed with a generalized Anxiety disorder. From that time on I was shivering forceful every time I was upset. And as I was afraid of everything I was upset A LOT. My mum broke down feeling helpless. She cried a lot. I had to console her... but I was the one with the illness! I wanted her to be strong for me, but in the end I had to be strong for her.

My wonderful doctor, who cared so much for me, got me an interview with a hospital for youths with mental illnesses. It was a Thursday and we were told the waiting list was very long and I should try in a few months. My doc made a few phone calls and on Monday I was send to that hospital.

It was the most beautiful place I had ever lived in. My room mates were nice, one of them is still my best friend. The rules were very strict, I was not allowed to go outside and some of the other patients scared me. We were fourteen teenager, ages 12 to 17, with all kinds of mental problems. It scared me at first. But then, slowly, I started to relax. I have never felt such freedom as in these first weeks. I was still not allowed to go outside, but I didn't feel locked in. Because, for the first time in years I didn't have to be strong or prove anything to anybody. For the first time I could be myself, bubbly, happy, weird humor, or deeply depressed, anxious, scared. I was allowed to let go of the restrictions on my emotions, I could finally feel them wholly. And that changed me.

I have never seen such kinship among people as I did in that hospital. Each and everyone of us had a severe, sometimes life-threatening problem and that connects. We were so gentle with each other, understanding and loving, because we were the same, no matter how our specific problem looked like. Of course there were arguments. But never long, because when one of us felt bad, we all did.
I stayed there for five months. The best and the worst time of my life.

When I came back to my school I returned to ninth grade, because I didn't want the stress of having to catch up with my class. I was calmer, more content than before I'd left. I had seen a lot and gained a lot of insight in other people. I was also happier and not afraid to live my emotions anymore.

In my new class I made friends quickly and for the first time I let them in. They are as weird as I am. Left-wing politicians waiting for the revolution and gentle geeks have been my companions and will always be. I have experienced true friendship and care. I was not healed but I knew how to manage.

It has been five years since then. I still have trouble sometimes, but it's not as bad as before. I have graduated last month and I did quite well after all, not that anyone would have expected it when I was younger. For seven months I have been together with my love, my world. I trust now. And I have found out who and what I am. Ich bin ein Mensch.

Now I plan on LIVING.

Lisa

Small update:
I've started University in the capital of my federal state. My subjects are American Cultural History, American Literature (I'm going to change that one, though.) and Russian. I love Uni. I'm scared about the exams in February. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I've finally moved away from home, now I've got two wonderful room mates.
Live is good.

[udontno]

It seems like you have really overcome a lot. I don't know what to say. I'm proud of you though. You've done well.

[soul]

Congratulations for being so strong! Keep up the fantastic work.

[sturmeskind]

Thanks guys. Your kind words mean a lot to me. Believe me if I say I am truly touched by all that kindness which I have received in this place.

[Bibliophile]

You are so strong!
I'm amazed at how you got through all of that!
Keep it up!