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-   -   Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Just want it to go away, and STOP! (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f31-why-me/t149476-just-want-go-away-stop/)

F3L January 15th 2017 02:11 AM

Just want it to go away, and STOP!
It's worse. Why do I always get worst! Why can't I just feel better damn it! I'm not getting better. I thought maybe a few days and id feel better. Give it some fucking time, but no. Damn it because now I'm more lossy than before. Why the hell does this crap have to always happen to me? It isn't bad enough that my mum tried to fucking put me in a damn psych ward, even though I'm not crazy, but than she all but throws me on the streets, only to pick me up once o finally got the flow of things, and send me on a plane to California, where I know nobody, except my two cousins my aunt and my uncle. Than what does she do? Completely ignores my birthday. No card, no text or call saying happy 17th birthday! No, not even acknowledged. Than she thinks she can just call me the next day and two Me Kiki has terminal cancer? Jee, thanks mother! What great fixing support after you carted me to a different state.
Than, of course, I'm updated at least once a week about how my mum thinks I am a failure. Thanks a lot. As if it wasn't difficult enough trying to acclimate to a complete different life style, now I'm reminded weekly about how my own mother, who had the audacity to think that she is doing what she does for 'love', thinks I'm a total screwup and failure who destroys every thing in my path, and believes I can't do anything, and I'm just going to fail at this like I did everything else, and I'm not worth the effort. So much for 'love'. I mean, good God! I knew she never cared about me! Hell it was evident when she ignored me, or revised to talk to me about my strife, or my difficulty, all the while doting on dominik. Calling him an angel, and the the devil. Thanks a lot! I just can't fucking handle this anymore. I may have always dealt with feelings of self doubt and insecurity, and struggled to maintain the image of the perfect damn child to the whole damn world, but I don't need all my fears and past mistakes solved down my fuking throat thanks! Love? I don't think she knows what the meaning is! I mean, it is bad enough that she doesn't care, and sent me away, I don't need to be reminded of that! Hell, I didn't need to know that my only source of comfort for 14 years died of terminal the day after my birthday. I don't need to be constantly reminded that she thinks of me as the screwup, despite me almost perfect GPA throughout elementary middle and the forest year of high school. I don't need that right now! Why is it that fayre us so damn cruel? Is it not bad enough that I am already struggling to deal with all of these foreign emotions? Not good enough that I already feel like just ending my life to get out all over with so I don't have to listen to ask her crap secondhand, and I don't have to Spiro about damn emotions that I don't want to fucking feel? Oh, apparently not! Let's throw in some more crap that your mum thinks about you! As if I didn't already know she thought I should be in fucking a mental hospital! Now, let's just add the fact that if you go home she wants to put you in juvie, for no good damn reason! Oh, now maybe life is cruel enough huh? What the hell! As if I'm not already fighting against just ending my pathetic excuse for a life every damn day! I don't need my mum's drama put in the mix. I don't need to be reminded of all that crap! About how she doesn't talk about me at home, to the point I'm thought to have died! God! Really? Maybe I should, just to put them fucking straight!
Why do people have to be so cruel?why can't I just love a nice happy damn life? I don't understand why the universe has pitched it's pitchforks with fire, determined to drive me off the deep end. I cannot deal with all this crap! I'm already way too overwhelmed with feelings I don't understand and emotions I don't know how to express our handle. Every time I try to bury then, something just has to fucking come up to shove them back to the surface! Why is fate so decidedly cruel? Why can't I just ignore these damn feelings? I've been doing it for 5 yearsdamn it! Why is all of that changing now? I don't want to feel emotions! I don't want ask these negative fucking feelings. Just want to go numb again, so I don't feel, lime I've been. Why the hell is all of it just coming to the surface for no damn reason! I just want it all to stop. I don't want to deal with my feelings, I want them to go away! To just leave me alone! Is that such a complicated request? To just get them to go away? I already feel pathetic, and useless, I don't need more fucking emotions to reiterate all that to me!
Why won't they just leave me alone. I swear, I'm going to do something drastic if they don't go the hell away! And it isn't like I can just talk to someone about my life of hell! I just moved to fucking California damn it! Why is my life so idiotic! I just want to end it all, and make it all go away.
Just to get it to go away.
Cerrina Foster, light of the forest, that's what it means, that's what my name means, well, I feel like the dark of the forest right now.

del677 January 16th 2017 08:53 AM

Re: Just want it to go away, and STOP!

Originally Posted by F3L (Post 1268029)
I'm already way too overwhelmed with feelings I don't understand and emotions I don't know how to express our handle.

Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

Do you have a diagnosis? Depression? Bipolar? Schizophrenia? Has anyone mentioned any of these? What would prompt your mom to send you to a psych ward?

Psych ward really isn't for "crazy" people. It's for people with one of the above 3 problems (or other similar problems). It's like any other body illness. Since I'm a peer who has been through it all, I now visit patients in the psych ward every week. Being a peer helps me understand them as people. If you've never visited one then it's understandable you may imagine the worst.

Anyway, so your mum tried to put you in a psych ward. I assume that means she thinks something is wrong and bad enough she wanted you to go there. There are outpatient options too. You could just go see a doctor.

Then, if I understand, your mom flew you to California to live with your aunt and uncle and 2 cousins. What motivated her decision to do that? Is there something in California she thinks will help you?

I see your mom missed your birthday, from which I can deduce she doesn't have the SJ Guardian personality type (see http://www.keirsey.com), but you possibly do, because birthdays and other special days are important to SJ Guardians.

I see you had high grades, but don't like feelings, or have feelings you don't understand and emotions you don't know how to deal with. This combination makes me suspect possibly Asperger's Syndrome, or High Functioning Autism. Has anyone ever suggested either of those diagnosis? You could research that and see if it fits. I don't know you well enough to be sure, these are just guesses based on what I can gleen from your writing.

When you talk with someone, do you tend to look at their eyes or their mouth?

Do you see information in other peoples eyes?

Are you good at small talk? Do you meet new people easily? Are you a Social Butterfly? Did other children in elementary school say you were weird and stupid, which didn't make any sense because you were very bright academically? Do you consider yourself introverted or extroverted?

Sorry that's everything I can think of right now without more details about you. Your writing seems clear and coherent. I don't yet detect any possible depression or schizophrenia. Can you identify any of these feelings or emotions you are having?

There's a book titled, Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings by Mary C. Lamia that may help.

Some short guided meditations may help if you can continue doing them for at least 2 weeks. (e.g. Headspace Meditation app)
If you can tell me a little more I may get a better understanding.:)

.Brittany. January 16th 2017 06:05 PM

Re: Just want it to go away, and STOP!
Hi there,

It definitely sounds like you are going through a tough time. I'm sorry that you're struggling with your mom and that your mom sent you out of state. Maybe you're reading that she did this to punish you. Maybe she's doing it as she thinks it might be better for you? Sending you to California might have been her choice because it's almost always sunny there. People tend to struggle in the Winter or when it hasn't been sunny in a few days, so maybe she thinks that's how you might start feeling better.

With her calling you a failure, is she saying that straight to you? Maybe she's trying to say that she feels like a failure of a mom and that whoever is relaying the message is twisting it around or didn't hear it properly. There might be a chance that something is going on with your mom that you might not know about. Everyone is battling a war that some people might not know about.

Have you considered going in as an impatient? It has helped many people a lot. You can get diagnosed if you have a mental condition, they give you tips and techniques to help you cope and other things like that.

I hope you start feeling better soon!

Also, I have moved this thread to "Why Me?" as I feel it fits better there, also changed the tag from "triggering suicide" to "strong language" as I feel it fits better..

prollyshouldntbehere January 30th 2017 08:12 AM

Re: Just want it to go away, and STOP!
You can never trust anybody. Nobody is ever going to give as much of a fuck about you as you'll have to give yourself. I don't know you personally, but in the end you gotta live with your emotions. That don't mean you gotta let them affect you. We all need something to let the stress out. You're about to be 18, so you'll have control over your life now. In order to relieve stress i play bloody knuckles with the walls and trees, cut, listen to music, cook, lots a little shit i guess. You gonna have to take care of yourself because no one else ever will. Use revenge as motivation if you have to. Become successful. Accomplish great things so that you can look your mother in the eye and say, "Fuck you." You are all you've got. Don't let you down.

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