My Writers Block

[Autumnwind]

This isn't a poem, this isn't a song, this isn't really anything but sorting why I cannot write. It is pretty lengthy, so hang tight.

Please, pardon all the sentences starting with "I" it's an elementary mistake. But being very drunk and pretty high really screws with your sensibility. So, bare with me, please.

Currently, I am sitting on a full month of not being able to write a line, why? Well, I'm getting it all down here.

Writing hasn't come exactly "natural" to me, or at least I don't think so. I started writing when I was about 12, and it was to impress my first girlfriend. She was an amazing writer and still is. I wrote my first poem named, "The Devil and God Rage Inside Me." I got the inspiration by looking at the CD made by Brand New (Yes I know that's cheating. But I was 12, give me a break) I thought it was pretty good, I wish I still had it just to see where I absolutely started. But anyway, she loved it, and I know I did. It felt like nothing I've felt before. Being happy, letting certain things out that would probably get me in trouble with others or make them scared. It really felt like I was being set free, in a way. I wasn't going to stop, and I wont ever stop.

I kept on writing, little stories, books, poems, and more. I knew what I wanted to do. Write. Writing was what I wanted to do, it was the most realistic dream on my life. Being a football player, a famous guitarist, and be in the military wasn't what I wanted to do. It was just the image I wanted myself to be, like anyone at the age of 12, all you want to do is be known when you die. Hoping someone can still remember your name and put your face to it without any hesitation. Anyway, I got off topic. I kept on writing, any form of it. I found out what I was good at and what I wasn't good at. Poetry was my strong suit. I had really good concept for books, just never had the..."neatness" for a lack of a better word, to write an actual book. All of my spelling errors and not knowing when to use "He said, she said" really ruined any hopes of writing an actual book. Rambling, again.

My first writers block hit me when I was about 13, maybe 14 or 15. I figured I was just done, it didn't really hurt me because I didn't take it as serious as I should have. Writing just didn't come to me. My writers block lasted years, not days, weeks, or months, but years.

I probably didn't start writing again until I moved to Texas. I didn't start writing poetry again, instead I started writing stories and books. I wanted to be a published artist, why? Not because I wanted to tell a story. Not because I wanted to capture someones mind and heart. But because I wanted to find an easy way out for money. I wanted to find a one-hit-wonder, or a "get rich quick scheme" if you will. Money was why I wanted to do it, not heart or love. To give that some merit, I tried to make an online animated show similar to Robot Chicken, trying to get discovered and stuff.

Once I figured I'm too lazy to write a book (which I really want to pick up again. I had a kick-ass story to tell. I'll explain later.) I wanted to try poetry. I started writing for the wrong reasons, again, just trying to make money. I tried to write poetry that sounded like my favorite poets, artists, and rappers. I tried to ask myself, "Would Atmosphere rap this?" "Would Eyedea rap this?" it was a terrible way to think. I felt if my writing couldn't be repeated by them, then it shouldn't be repeated at all. Again, it wasn't for the heart and soul, it was for the cold hard cash.

I had another writer's block that ended up being a few months. This is where I grew.

I grew into my own skin, and still am, little by little. I felt a bit more comfortable. Various conversations with certain people, I.e. Jenn (My sister), Chris Nebgen (Her husband and my brother-in-law), Michael P-K, Orikal Uno, Joshua Moore, and others, really catapulted my confidence. Those conversations allowed me to finally give the middle finger to most of who think I shouldn't be where I want to be. I'm still not comfortable in my own skin and it will take a long time for that to happen. But day by day, it's getting better.

This allowed me to explain things how I wanted to, not how ATmosphere or Eyedea wanted to. It allowed me to find my own style in writing, it allowed me to find my own way HOW to write with some influence here and there from my favorite poets and artists. Influence helped a lot more than immulating. My writing grew along with myself as an artist and a person as a whole. I started writing furiously, letting anything and everything out. I started learning how to write better, challenging my mind to get better at this. Then it finally happened.

My life wasn't the same anymore. It was different.

I started thinking of life differently. A person wasn't a person until I dug deep and found the roots. A guy with spikey hair, lip and nose rings, tatoo's and various chains on his clothes and body wasn't a guy I should stay away from .It was a guy I should embrace, find out what makes him tick, and get to know. Little things were big things and big things were a cluster fuck of little things. My whole life was upside down but it seemed in the perfect position. My mind was spinning, racing against the clock, and it hasn't stopped since. I had to write, I couldn't put the pencil down or turn my computer off. I had to keep writing until I was sweating, droopy eyed, and hiccuping uncontrollably and at times not knowing where I was. I write til I cry, I write til I break down, I write til I smile and frown. I don't write for a quick way to get money anymore, I write because I fucking need to now. I write because if I don't, I feel lost, I feel like I can't get my thoughts out, and it's the only way I can speak about certain things. Pardon the Cliche.

Writing isn't an art form, writing is a lifestyle, along with music, painting, and other various things. It's something you put your arm around and say "I do." for the rest of your life, through the shitty times and great times. It's something you cannot get away from. It's an addictive and loving curse. I can't stop, wont stop, and I'm damn proud of it.

So let's get to the title of this note I wrote in the first place. Writers block. Currently I'm going on one month of writers block. Poetry, song, book, nothing. Why? Let's figure it out.

I feel as if I have to out-do myself. I have to make sure I up myself, but why? Why can't I just be myself? I'm not perfect, no one is. I make mistakes as we all do. I just need to remember how to breathe, how to slow things down, and know that life - writing - and music will always be there for me. It isn't going anywhere so why try to rush thoughts, rhyme schemes, patterns, and simply why rush my heart and soul. Why try to write something down and make sense of it when my own heart and soul can't make sense of it? There is still a lot of growing left for me to do, and I will grow as I'm alive.

I just need to learn that it'l come to me, and when it does it'l be more special than if I were to squeeze the last drippings out.

This wasn't a poem, it wasn't a song, and it wasn't a book. But this is inspiration to me. Getting these thoughts down without trying to impliment a rhyme scheme, an overall theme, or time limit really helped in the fight to kill Writers block. And I thank you, with all my heart, for reading and promise to bring not quantity of writing, but quality.

[Iris. ♥]

For some odd reason, reading this made me kind of happy. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel the same way about writing. Maybe it was the reminder that some of our best work can come after periods of writer's block. Maybe it just had something to do with finding someone who has the same passion for writing as I do. Whatever it was, thanks for posting this thought that wasn't a song, a poem, or anything else specific. Let me know when you put more of your original work up!

[Colored Shadows]

I really enjoyed reading this. Writing is not only a great way to express but to work through your thoughts and feelings, like you did here! You have some great insight into writing and what it means to you. You're right, you just need to be yourself! Writing isn't about outdoing your last piece or anyone else's. It's about getting your thoughts down on paper. And it doesn't need to be a poem or a song. In fact, you're quite good at writing prose!

Very nice! Keep at it!

[Autumnwind]

Thank you very much seriously.

One thing I left out, probably because I wasn't thinking straight, is people. People who enjoy writing, and enjoy my writing, really burns more fire. I want to be a hip-hop artist for getting a message out from myself, and to others. I absolutely love when I can capture a persons soul in a peace, and they tell me they've almost cried. They've smiled really big. It really captures my own heart, as I know I'm helping another person along in this life.

Even if no one read my writing, I'd continue to write, but knowing a few people DO read it and some love it, it really really really..makes me feel amazing. I'm not sure if anyone knows how much I appreciate them just reading words I decided to write down.

Thank you so much for reading