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Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 05:53 AM

I have had sex with a few of my friends who are all guys and I'm a guy. But I'm not attracted to them and I really don't even want to have sex with them. It's just I have a history of sexual abuse and back then I would freeze up and black out. And I freeze up and then black out everytime I have sex with a guy. I have never really found guys attractive. And I don't remember having sex with them. I just remember I was kissing and then next moment I'm nude and it's evident that we had sex. I've also never initiated making out its usually just been where one of my friends made out with me and I freeze up and soon dissociate. I am attracted to girls emotionally and made out with a girl and liked it. When I make out with guys it's really a flat and numb feeling. And with the girl I didn't feel intimidated. I don't really want to have sex with anyone currently though. Does this make me gay even though I really don't have any desire to do this if I had the choice?

I'm 14 btw.

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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 07:56 AM

If this is all stemming from your past. Then in my opinion no it does not make you gay. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. You really should think about talking to them to get them to stop if this is continuing in any form and it's something you don't like. Otherwise I would seriously consider reporting them and talking to someone about what is going on.


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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 02:42 PM

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about what you have been through, but I do not believe that this makes you gay.

As you have had a history of sexual abuse, I think you should speak to someone like a therapist or counsellor about what you have been through, and how it may still affect you, if you havenít already.

It is very normal, once we have been abused, to freeze up, dissociate and black out during sexual intimacy, particularly if there is something that reminds us of our abuse. However, this can be overcome with therapy and once in a relationship, to be treated with respect and have good communication. It is also normal to not want sexual intimacy after abuse, and to be questioning our sexual orientation. This is down to how you feel, and is a personal thing that no-one else can tell you what you should or shouldnít want or feel.

Seeing as you never initiate making out with any of your guy friends, and black out during sex, Iím wondering if it might be best for you to either state that you donít want to do those things any more, or to distance yourself from them, if they continue. Do you have other friends you can hang out with instead?

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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 08:03 PM

You're not gay. In my opinion you're a victim.
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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 08:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thereishope View Post
If this is all stemming from your past. Then in my opinion no it does not make you gay. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. You really should think about talking to them to get them to stop if this is continuing in any form and it's something you don't like. Otherwise I would seriously consider reporting them and talking to someone about what is going on.
I have told many of my friends afterwards that I don't want to do that again. But they agree and then will try to come onto me later and then say I should have backed away. And since I didn't that I willingly let them have sex with me. And the thing is I'm not unconscious when I black out I think another persona comes out or something because I've had it happen where one of my friends are like I was more actively into having sex than they were. But I really have no recollection of anything happening besides making out. Also I know I do enjoy gay sex physically. Because when I was abused I would orgasm so I'm not surprised that it seemed as though I enjoyed it. Because I always get hard when I bottom.

I have gone to therapy but the therapist always talks to my parents or at least one of them. And I'd be pretty suicidal if they found out I regularly had sex with my friends because they already hate me for being gay. They already think I'm gay because of the abuse because I knew right from wrong at that age and all that. But they're religious so they don't take too well to homosexuality. I want to see a therapist where my parents don't have to be involved but I don't think it's an option at my age.
   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 09:07 PM

I want to see a therapist where my parents don't have to be involved but I don't think it's an option at my age.[/quote]


I'm 15 and I've been seeing a therapist on my own, without my mom, for literally like four of five years now. All you have to do is ask your therapist to not have your parents in the room.
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 09:16 PM

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Originally Posted by lexiluv21299 View Post
I want to see a therapist where my parents don't have to be involved but I don't think it's an option at my age.

I'm 15 and I've been seeing a therapist on my own, without my mom, for literally like four of five years now. All you have to do is ask your therapist to not have your parents in the room.[/quote]

2 of the three therapists Ive seen would talk to my mom or dad after I talked to them. The other one my dad would be in the room at the same time.
   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - November 30th 2014, 10:41 PM

First off, I'm very sorry to hear you've been subjected to this kind of abuse at your age. It must be very difficult indeed and you deserve all the support you can get.

Secondly, and this is quite an important bit, the fact that you ejaculate/orgasm when having anal sex does not in itself say that you "enjoy" it. That reaction is being triggered by stimulation of your prostate gland, and is entirely a subconscious process not linked to your state of mind. It's a common feeling amongst men who have been raped or sexually assaulted, and it's an equally common held belief that this means they somehow enjoyed it. It's a myth. It's entirely a physiological response to stimulation, nothing more. Your comments about the experience would suggest it's not something you actually enjoy, but rather than you endure it (and go into a form of escapism in the process, given your comments about the other persona) until it's done with. There is an important distinction between the two, and you deserve to be honest with yourself about it.

Third and finally, I would echo the comments that you both need to seek out further professional help and to report your "friends"' behaviour. In terms of therapists, if you tell them from the outset and in no uncertain terms that you do not want them talking to your parents about it, then they are under a professional obligation not to do so unless they believe you to be at risk of physical or psychological harm. Everything else you say should be in the strictest confidence. As for your "friends", I would argue that the kind of "friend" who says they won't do something and then does it regardless, particularly in this area, is one best cut out of your life altogether. There is no excuse for what they are doing.


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If you're referring to dr2005's response, it's not complex, however, he has a way with words .
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 1st 2014, 12:22 AM

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Originally Posted by DutchWelshWolf View Post
Hey there,

Sorry to hear about what you have been through, but I do not believe that this makes you gay.

As you have had a history of sexual abuse, I think you should speak to someone like a therapist or counsellor about what you have been through, and how it may still affect you, if you havenít already.

It is very normal, once we have been abused, to freeze up, dissociate and black out during sexual intimacy, particularly if there is something that reminds us of our abuse. However, this can be overcome with therapy and once in a relationship, to be treated with respect and have good communication. It is also normal to not want sexual intimacy after abuse, and to be questioning our sexual orientation. This is down to how you feel, and is a personal thing that no-one else can tell you what you should or shouldnít want or feel.

Seeing as you never initiate making out with any of your guy friends, and black out during sex, Iím wondering if it might be best for you to either state that you donít want to do those things any more, or to distance yourself from them, if they continue. Do you have other friends you can hang out with instead?

Take care
You're right I just need to get away and try to fix myself before I put myself in a situation where I'm going to repeatedly to trigger myself. I wish I had different friends but I really don't. I have one friend who is like totally straight and not interested in me any more than just really good friends. But he's friends with two of the guys I am having this issue with. And I have a girl friend that I'm friends with but we're not that close and she's friends mainly with a whole different group of girls. She's kind of cool and I'm so not. So we're really not that much of friends at school. I like hanging out with my friends for the most part it's just in this time a lot of my friends have been into experimenting with each other and include me in it. Because I don't really stand up for myself.
   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 1st 2014, 01:21 AM

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Originally Posted by Blondie14 View Post
2 of the three therapists Ive seen would talk to my mom or dad after I talked to them. The other one my dad would be in the room at the same time.
If you live in the U.S and you ask your therapist to keep it confidential, then legally he/she has to unless you're suicidal or they think you may be a harm to yourself or others. I don't know if that helps, but I'm trying!
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  (#11 (permalink)) Old
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December 1st 2014, 06:39 AM

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Originally Posted by dr2005 View Post
First off, I'm very sorry to hear you've been subjected to this kind of abuse at your age. It must be very difficult indeed and you deserve all the support you can get.

Secondly, and this is quite an important bit, the fact that you ejaculate/orgasm when having anal sex does not in itself say that you "enjoy" it. That reaction is being triggered by stimulation of your prostate gland, and is entirely a subconscious process not linked to your state of mind. It's a common feeling amongst men who have been raped or sexually assaulted, and it's an equally common held belief that this means they somehow enjoyed it. It's a myth. It's entirely a physiological response to stimulation, nothing more. Your comments about the experience would suggest it's not something you actually enjoy, but rather than you endure it (and go into a form of escapism in the process, given your comments about the other persona) until it's done with. There is an important distinction between the two, and you deserve to be honest with yourself about it.

Third and finally, I would echo the comments that you both need to seek out further professional help and to report your "friends"' behaviour. In terms of therapists, if you tell them from the outset and in no uncertain terms that you do not want them talking to your parents about it, then they are under a professional obligation not to do so unless they believe you to be at risk of physical or psychological harm. Everything else you say should be in the strictest confidence. As for your "friends", I would argue that the kind of "friend" who says they won't do something and then does it regardless, particularly in this area, is one best cut out of your life altogether. There is no excuse for what they are doing.

I have heard of molesters purposefully stimulating the survivor. I never had that happen. I was saying that just simply by being penetrated I orgasm. I thought that that only happens in gay or bisexual men? You're right though I do just get through. I was just saying I that's why the guys I've had sex with think that I enjoyed it.


I want to get help and I'm going to look into what I can do tm. I don't believe I can report any of the guys I've been with since they're my age and I didn't resist or say no. I don't want to do that because my parents would be so much worst if this came to light and shool would be hell. Everyone would turn against me and I'd have no friends whatsoever. I know I need to stay away or at least limit interaction not to be alone with them.

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If you live in the U.S and you ask your therapist to keep it confidential, then legally he/she has to unless you're suicidal or they think you may be a harm to yourself or others. I don't know if that helps, but I'm trying!
You're fine. Thank you for your advice.

I'm going to try to talk about a therapist and test the waters before I share this or my other issue.

Last edited by Coffee.; December 6th 2014 at 12:41 AM. Reason: Merged posts
   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 1st 2014, 06:01 PM

Hi, I am very sorry to hear about your past experiences, and judging by what you have said so far I do not think that makes you gay. Being gay goes down to who you are physically attracted to, love romantically and all of that, and it doesn't sound like that's the case. It sounds like what is currently happening stems more from the abuse you've endured more than anything else.

I know it is very common for your brain to block out negative experiences (like the blacking out) because sometimes when things are really traumatic your brain will do what ever it can to process it even if that means shutting it out all together - I actually have friends who've repressed memories and when it resurfaced it was really hard.

I think if your counsellor isn't respecting your right for confidentiality you need to tell them that you need to be able to speak to them without things being repeated to your parents or you'd like to be referred to a new counsellor who will respect your right to make such demands. I think you need to be honest and let your counsellor know that you are withholding information, which needs to come out in order for you to "get ok", but that because he or she has been telling your parents stuff that you are not comfortable with them knowing. I think it is important that your counsellor know that you have been withholding information that is important for your wellbeing as a result of his/her inability to respect your privacy because if you don't let him/her know that is how serious the problem is then you might not get the help you need.... I think that it sounds like you really need to talk to a counsellor who you trust so I hope you'll consider that conversation




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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 1st 2014, 09:41 PM

If you don't experience physical/emotional attraction to men or get pleasure from your sexual experiences with them then you probably aren't gay. If this behavior stems from past abuse I would strongly advise you see a therapist. They provide you with help and resources that we cannot here. In the United States HIPPA, The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, protects your information as a minor save in cases where you are a harm to yourself or someone else or in cases of abuse. I suggest that, though it's scary, you be honest with your therapist about your past experiences so that they can help you to the best of their ability. This behavior is or can be destructive, not to mention physically dangerous, especially with your dissociative states.

If these "friends" are pressuring you into performing sexual acts they are not your friends. What they are doing is not okay. And while there is no excuse for their behavior towards you, you do have a personal responsibility to protect yourself as best you can. This means not putting yourself into dangerous situations where you are alone with these people. As hard as it is, it's important to be able to say "no" to these boys. There's simply no other way around it. At this point you are aware that their are consequences, negative consequences, to getting into certain situations with these people. To continue to place yourself in these situations is to bring negative consequences upon yourself through your own actions.

Again, I want to make very clear I am not blaming you for your abuse or what is happening to you now. What I am pointing out is that you aren't a victim. You have personal power. You have some control. So make use of it, and don't put yourself in danger. And, again, seek professional help. I guarantee that with the right therapist it could be very beneficial to you.



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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 5th 2014, 12:49 AM

I could actually see myself having a relationship with a girl. Not now but like as an adult. I don't look at either guys or girls and I don't have a physical interest in either. Sometimes there are small "urges" but it's with girls. But I do respond to what guys do to me but not anything in me that honestly wants a guy. In a sexual sense.



I'm going to see a new therapist. And going to try to see if I can trust her. I have to feel safe about talking to her about what's really going on. If she works out, I can hopefully eventually work to actually dealing with my friends etc.

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Hi, I am very sorry to hear about your past experiences, and judging by what you have said so far I do not think that makes you gay. Being gay goes down to who you are physically attracted to, love romantically and all of that, and it doesn't sound like that's the case. It sounds like what is currently happening stems more from the abuse you've endured more than anything else.

I know it is very common for your brain to block out negative experiences (like the blacking out) because sometimes when things are really traumatic your brain will do what ever it can to process it even if that means shutting it out all together - I actually have friends who've repressed memories and when it resurfaced it was really hard.

I think if your counsellor isn't respecting your right for confidentiality you need to tell them that you need to be able to speak to them without things being repeated to your parents or you'd like to be referred to a new counsellor who will respect your right to make such demands. I think you need to be honest and let your counsellor know that you are withholding information, which needs to come out in order for you to "get ok", but that because he or she has been telling your parents stuff that you are not comfortable with them knowing. I think it is important that your counsellor know that you have been withholding information that is important for your wellbeing as a result of his/her inability to respect your privacy because if you don't let him/her know that is how serious the problem is then you might not get the help you need.... I think that it sounds like you really need to talk to a counsellor who you trust so I hope you'll consider that conversation
   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 5th 2014, 05:41 PM

Because you have a history of past sexual abuse, I would advise that you seek professional help to deal with your past trauma.


   
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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 6th 2014, 12:43 AM

You can still find anal sex itself enjoyable without being gay. It's prostate stimulation, and it can feel really good for guys of all sexual orientations. As many others, I will reiterate that I believe seeking treatment for your abuse would be good. I actually have a friend with a very similar history and habits to you, and talking to somebody is a really good way to process what you're going through. Stay strong!


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Re: Am I gay if I regularly have with guys? - December 9th 2014, 04:04 AM

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You can still find anal sex itself enjoyable without being gay. It's prostate stimulation, and it can feel really good for guys of all sexual orientations. As many others, I will reiterate that I believe seeking treatment for your abuse would be good. I actually have a friend with a very similar history and habits to you, and talking to somebody is a really good way to process what you're going through. Stay strong!
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