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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
nochance Offline
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Was I Sexually Abused? Is it possible or unlikely? - April 5th 2017, 06:51 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have flashbacks of being fingered by an extended family member from the nI was very young. I donít know if this happened. I have no idea. I feel like my brain is playing tricks on me but Iím not sure. But one thing I know is that I grew up veryÖ weirdly. And itís tie I get all of this off my chest, if even just anonymously.

I have those flashbacks from a very young age. From now on when I refer to the flashback, I am talking about something that is not 100% certain. When I say memory, Iím referring to something I am 100% certain of.

I have memories of being really goingÖ about 4? And my brother who is three years older than me (7) at the time - sharing a room with me. I remember him teaching me what masturbation was because he was doing it and I asked him what he was doing. He didnít touch me when he taught me he just showed me. So I tried doing it but wasnít feeling anything and didnít get the point or know if I was doing it right, but I pretended I liked it just to please my brother so he thought he taught me something pleasurable and right. I had NO idea what masturbation was or what it meant, I mean I was 5!!

Eventually, I started doing it and it felt like something, and it made me think about certain things, including that extended family member from the flash back. Anyway, when I first discovered it actually felt like something, I couldnít stop doing it. I would do it in the middle of class. Ďm not even kidding. Sitting there in 3rd grade humping my chair and I had no idea what I was doing, I was just doing it to fulfill something, and I donít even know what it was. My teachers would look at me and tell me to ďsit up straight in my chairĒ and I had no idea what I was doing was wrong. I would frequently maturbate in public too and had no control over it.

Masturbating never felt good. Even when I did it multiple times. I mean physically yes, but mentally and emotionally, I was thinking of things that were EXTREMELY disturbing to me.

From my very earliest memories, I have always dealt with unwanted sexual arousal/thoughts/feelings. I have never, ever talked about this and I literally have the hardest time typing this out because this is so embarrassing and hard for me to talk about.*

Basically some background about me is that I am born in the United States but of Indian decent. For some reason everything about the Indian culture brings out this huge unwanted sexual arousal in me and it frustrates me to the point where I just want to rip my body into pieces. It doesn't "feel good" it feels bad. Unwanted arousal is still technically arousal, but it isn't pleasurable. It makes me feel disgusting and sick, and gives me this huge urge to masturbate.*

Hinduism is the religion that most Indians practice and all the rituals and customs and traditions of this religion for some reason cause huge arousal in me. Recently, without my parents knowing, I have become a Christian and given my life to Christ and found peace in that. However, these thoughts of arousal come multiple times a day and it's creating a lot of sin in my life.

I've always struggled with OCD. Specifically when it came to masturbation. Throughout my life every time I masturbate it has to be a certain number of times, sometimes I'm stuck in my room on my bed all day having to satisfy my OCD - at that point I'm not doing it because it feels good but because I feel like if I don't do it a certain amount of times, I'm going to die or some sort of chaos will happen in my life. Whenever I start it goes on forever and it comes to the point where my vagina will start burning and hurting and it feels like I'm ripping it to pieces just because I have to do it a certain way in a certain amount of time. And it's different each time.

Anyway, because of this I try never to start masturbating because I know how difficult it will be for me to come out of it. HOWEVER, I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by unwanted arousal because I am constantly surrounded by the things I am aroused by.

For example, yoga/breathing exercises/meditation is a big cultural part of India as well as Hinduism. Those things are looked at as a way to connect to the Hindu Gods and for some reason that has always always ALWAYS sparked arousal. ** I know many people will say yoga is something that arouses a lot of people, but I do not mean it in the same way as you're thinking. It's very different and very disturbing. Even hearing the word yoga or looking at it or typing it makes me want to rip my hair out, it makes me want to self-harm so bad to a point where I can't even feel anything. Hearing those words or even typing them out make me want to die.

The woman I have flashbacks of sexually abusing me was into all of these signs and id all of these things. ALSO I have flashbacks of the color of the shirt she was wearing, and every time I see that purplish violet color, my vagina starts to feel something and I feel disgusting and almost like I need to masturbate.

I donít know if I was sexually abused. The mind is a tricky thing. But going up as I masturbated, I always thought of people that either looked like her or acted like her (the extended family member I have flashbacks of).

But I think about this woman and she seems really sweet butÖ my family has always hated her and Iím afraid that she did this to meow of revenge. I have NO NO NO idea if it happened. But when my therapist asked me, I stated it as if it were a fact. I feel guilty and intend to tell him today that it was just a flashback and possibly didnít happen but..

What are your opinions? Does it seem like thereís a good chance? Or does it just seem like I simply have OCD and that it wasnít impacted by anything this woman could or couldnít have done?
   
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cynefin Offline
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Re: Was I Sexually Abused? Is it possible or unlikely? - April 6th 2017, 04:23 AM

I cannot tell you for sure whether or not you were sexually abused. If you have more stored in the back of your mind, you will fully remember when your mind feels as though you are ready to remember what you endured.

However, the things you discussed do point to childhood sexual abuse. While many children do experiment from time to time, and can occasionally do inappropriate things in public, masturbation is not commonly done often or obsessively, or in public.

You mentioned having OCD in regards to masturbation and a lot of people who were abused do struggle with that. Not only does OCD relate to your actions, but it can change a lot of your thoughts as well.

It seems to me like certain things are triggering to you. I also struggle with unwanted feelings due to flashbacks and while I have not found a way to cope with it, I do believe there are coping skills and I think it will go away or at least decrease a little bit in time. Maybe when that happens, you can put your energy into something else like exercising.

You said you told your therapist this is a sure thing and you want to talk more about it. I know this stuff is very difficult to talk about, but you may benefit if you print this out and show it to him. It could help to show him the note instead of verbalizing it.


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Re: Was I Sexually Abused? Is it possible or unlikely? - April 10th 2017, 06:46 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by nochance View Post
I have flashbacks of being fingered by an extended family member from the nI was very young. I donít know if this happened. I have no idea. I feel like my brain is playing tricks on me but Iím not sure. But one thing I know is that I grew up veryÖ weirdly. And itís tie I get all of this off my chest, if even just anonymously.

I have those flashbacks from a very young age. From now on when I refer to the flashback, I am talking about something that is not 100% certain. When I say memory, Iím referring to something I am 100% certain of.

I have memories of being really goingÖ about 4? And my brother who is three years older than me (7) at the time - sharing a room with me. I remember him teaching me what masturbation was because he was doing it and I asked him what he was doing. He didnít touch me when he taught me he just showed me. So I tried doing it but wasnít feeling anything and didnít get the point or know if I was doing it right, but I pretended I liked it just to please my brother so he thought he taught me something pleasurable and right. I had NO idea what masturbation was or what it meant, I mean I was 5!!

Eventually, I started doing it and it felt like something, and it made me think about certain things, including that extended family member from the flash back. Anyway, when I first discovered it actually felt like something, I couldnít stop doing it. I would do it in the middle of class. Ďm not even kidding. Sitting there in 3rd grade humping my chair and I had no idea what I was doing, I was just doing it to fulfill something, and I donít even know what it was. My teachers would look at me and tell me to ďsit up straight in my chairĒ and I had no idea what I was doing was wrong. I would frequently maturbate in public too and had no control over it.

Masturbating never felt good. Even when I did it multiple times. I mean physically yes, but mentally and emotionally, I was thinking of things that were EXTREMELY disturbing to me.

From my very earliest memories, I have always dealt with unwanted sexual arousal/thoughts/feelings. I have never, ever talked about this and I literally have the hardest time typing this out because this is so embarrassing and hard for me to talk about.*

Basically some background about me is that I am born in the United States but of Indian decent. For some reason everything about the Indian culture brings out this huge unwanted sexual arousal in me and it frustrates me to the point where I just want to rip my body into pieces. It doesn't "feel good" it feels bad. Unwanted arousal is still technically arousal, but it isn't pleasurable. It makes me feel disgusting and sick, and gives me this huge urge to masturbate.*

Hinduism is the religion that most Indians practice and all the rituals and customs and traditions of this religion for some reason cause huge arousal in me. Recently, without my parents knowing, I have become a Christian and given my life to Christ and found peace in that. However, these thoughts of arousal come multiple times a day and it's creating a lot of sin in my life.

I've always struggled with OCD. Specifically when it came to masturbation. Throughout my life every time I masturbate it has to be a certain number of times, sometimes I'm stuck in my room on my bed all day having to satisfy my OCD - at that point I'm not doing it because it feels good but because I feel like if I don't do it a certain amount of times, I'm going to die or some sort of chaos will happen in my life. Whenever I start it goes on forever and it comes to the point where my vagina will start burning and hurting and it feels like I'm ripping it to pieces just because I have to do it a certain way in a certain amount of time. And it's different each time.

Anyway, because of this I try never to start masturbating because I know how difficult it will be for me to come out of it. HOWEVER, I am CONSTANTLY surrounded by unwanted arousal because I am constantly surrounded by the things I am aroused by.

For example, yoga/breathing exercises/meditation is a big cultural part of India as well as Hinduism. Those things are looked at as a way to connect to the Hindu Gods and for some reason that has always always ALWAYS sparked arousal. ** I know many people will say yoga is something that arouses a lot of people, but I do not mean it in the same way as you're thinking. It's very different and very disturbing. Even hearing the word yoga or looking at it or typing it makes me want to rip my hair out, it makes me want to self-harm so bad to a point where I can't even feel anything. Hearing those words or even typing them out make me want to die.

The woman I have flashbacks of sexually abusing me was into all of these signs and id all of these things. ALSO I have flashbacks of the color of the shirt she was wearing, and every time I see that purplish violet color, my vagina starts to feel something and I feel disgusting and almost like I need to masturbate.

I donít know if I was sexually abused. The mind is a tricky thing. But going up as I masturbated, I always thought of people that either looked like her or acted like her (the extended family member I have flashbacks of).

But I think about this woman and she seems really sweet butÖ my family has always hated her and Iím afraid that she did this to meow of revenge. I have NO NO NO idea if it happened. But when my therapist asked me, I stated it as if it were a fact. I feel guilty and intend to tell him today that it was just a flashback and possibly didnít happen but..

What are your opinions? Does it seem like thereís a good chance? Or does it just seem like I simply have OCD and that it wasnít impacted by anything this woman could or couldnít have done?


I cannot tell if you are sexually abused, actually. but what i can say is maybe some things are triggering you.... you better know and undersatand yourself more..
   
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