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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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They make it seem like I owe them... - April 23rd 2017, 05:42 PM

So, a little backstory about myself and these two guys.
I was in an abusive relationship from October to November 2015, but I continued hanging out with this guy until March 2016. He raped me and stole my virginity March 10th, 2016.
After that, I wanted to make sure I could still be "normal" and do sexual things normally, without freaking out or anything. I have a close family friend of about 5-6 years, lets call him Gary. So I told Gary I was raped. As I was telling him the story of what happened (all of it, including our relationship beforehand and all that) he kept interrupting. Like when I would say, "So I never had sex with him but I did suck his dick" he would be like, "Well, when are you gonna suck mine?" After I officially told him I was raped, he was shocked and immediately wanted to go beat the guy's ass, which is a good thing.
However, shortly after that he started asking more about me doing sexual stuff with him. Now, this was a guy who I had a crush on as a little kid, but he never paid me much attention. But to have him now be the one begging me for attention and I was kind of the one in power... it made me feel good. Especially after having my power stripped away from me during the rape. So my thinking was kind of, "How many people get the opportunity to sleep with their childhood crush??"

So sometime in June-ish 2016, I met him up in an empty parking lot and gave him oral in his car. He didn't touch me, there was no reciprocation whatsoever. He didn't even want my clothes off. In addition to that, his dick was so much smaller than what I was expecting. I mean, he's a huge, 6 ft tall guy. It was far below the average length, I can tell you that.
After that I stayed my distance from him and he was out of the picture for awhile.

Around September 2016, I met some randomass guy off Tinder and he was my "first" consensual time having sex. Obviously I had urges before I lost my virginity, but I was trying to save myself just for someone who I knew cared about me. That's all I wanted. So my virginity was really the only thing holding me back from being sexually active.
However, after being raped, a lot of my guy friends gave me the label of "half-virgin", where my pussy was already used and "dirty" but I also had no real experience with sex. So I was the worst of both worlds, and I wanted to get rid of that label so badly. So that was what finally drove me to sleep with Tinder guy. We had sex off and on, as he got girlfriends and would cut me off inexplicably at random.
Finally, I remember one night he got me to send him nudes, and I asked when the next time we were gonna "chill" was. He never replied to that message and I haven't heard from him since.


Now, sometime during first semester of senior year, my current year, I met this guy from Tinder. On Tinder, you either get fuckboys, like the first guy I met, or you get guys who take it way too seriously and get hella obsessive. Meet option #2, ladies and gentlemen. Lets call this guy Kyle.
Kyle wasn't like his profile picture. I actually had high hopes for him, but when I met him he was a lot larger and overweight than he looked in his profile picture. He actually brought that up, trying to say he was just "wide", and that he DID work out... but his workouts were so, so wrong. He was doing everything so wrong for his body type. When I tried to help he insisted that he knew everything, so he can have fun being that size I guess.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT... all he ever did over the times we hung out was bring me fast food and sugary treats and shit. And while that is nice as hell, and I was super grateful... I'm over here trying to eat healthy, and it's hard enough with the food I have at home. So just based on his lifestyle, he kind of rubbed me the wrong way and wasn't really what I was looking for.
He was a great friend though, very supportive.
Unfortunately, he tried asking me out over text, and I had to tell him no, because we had nothing in common. Which was true!! In addition to his lifestyle, he literally spent his whole day in his dark room, with dozens of computer screens and video games and just... ugh. I need to do stuff with my hands, art, go outside, take pictures, be active. We were almost complete opposites. Kyle got all sad obviously and stopped talking to me for awhile.


A few months ago, he hit me up again to ask if, "Since you don't want a relationship, I was thinking... you know how you kinda say sex is nothing to you right? Well maybe we could do the fwb thing...." I had another random Tinder guy as my fwb at the time, so I was able to use him as an excuse, saying I didn't like having multiple fuckbuddies, which was true anyway.
He said to tell him if anything changed, and then asked very worriedly, "So it's not because I'm ugly, right??" He then begged me not to ruin his self-esteem, so what the fuck was I supposed to say? He really left me with no other options. So I just said, "No, you're not ugly." Which is true, in a sense. He's not an ugly guy, he's average looking. He's just not my type and I, personally, am not attracted to him. I don't think he's ugly, just the thought of having sex with him turns me off.
Especially because I know him well by now and know that even if we start having sex, he'll be the one to get attached and try to make it more than that.

Annnnnd finally, over these past few months, Gary has seriously being hitting me up.. calling me, texting me, sending unsolicited dick pics to me. He's trying really hard to get me to have sex with him. (It should be noted that I cut off my last fwb, so I am kind of missing that.) Thing is, Gary is a virgin, and that alone makes me unsure about having sex with him. I guess part of it is how uncomfortable the concept of virginity makes me, simply because I thought I lost it when I was raped, but then I have people telling me that doesn't count, so then technically Tinder guy "took my virginity". But I don't want that to be the case, because fuck Tinder guy, so... yeah, I don't know.
I'm also afraid I'll get nothing out of it again, and I already had sex with two selfish guys. I miss having sex, but I don't need more meaningless sex.
The other day I was alone with him in his living room, but both our families were at his house too, just we were alone. And so he kept begging me to have sex with him, even after I said no. After I said no, he would ask why, and I wouldn't have a good answer because I really don't want to hurt his feelings. Especially when it's something he has no control over, like dick size.
So he would beg, I'd say no, he'd ask why, I'd say I don't know, and repeat. This sounds way too similar to the conversation that happened right before I was raped, except Gary never said, "Know what bitch, this is happening whether you want it or not."
I'm terrified that it will come to that again.

As for Kyle, he recently texted me about how he hasn't seen my fwb on my Snapchat story anymore, because he's just been fucking stalking that part of my life, apparently. I told him all the bullshit that happened between him and I, nothing worth even writing about, and basically his response was, "Oh that sucks." "When's it my turn??"
This encounter mostly just disgusted me, rather than scare me about being raped again. "When's it my turn"?????
I really don't think he meant it in this way, but he's acting as if I'm just some sort of toy that guys can just pass around and have their way with. Am I wrong?? I'm not something that guys can just take turns on... you aren't even obligated to have a turn with me, which is what he was making it seem like.

I know everyone is going to say that if I don't want to have sex with them, I have every right not to. I get that, I really do. Logically, I can understand that. But emotionally, they're messing me up. For some reason I feel guilty, and obligated to have sex with them, just because maybe I leaded them on or something by not telling the truth about why I was rejecting them.
Also, with Gary, I really am scared to see him now. A problem that kept coming up with my past two fwbs was on the times I wouldn't want to have sex, but they kept pushing it. It got even worse if they said things my rapist said to me to try and convince me. So finally with them, I felt like I had to say yes. As long as I said yes, I couldn't technically get raped. That was my logic. Because if I said no, they could take that no away from me. So, in my head, as long as I said yes I was "safe".
I'm afraid that's what it will come down to with Gary. And I've done so much work in counseling on this problem. Even cutting off my fwb was a huge milestone, because he was so bad for me and such a negative influence on my life. And the fact that I was the one to say "no" to him and cut him off for good... that's empowering.
It's power that I don't want to be stolen away again.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Hypothesis.; April 30th 2017 at 02:15 AM. Reason: Adding a strong language prefix. :)
   
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Re: They make it seem like I owe them... - April 26th 2017, 06:14 PM

Hello!

After reading much of this thread, I feel is it necessary to say that yes, you are correct regarding sexual obligations. I am also very sorry to hear that such awful things have happened to you. You are in no way obligated to give these people sex, no matter what they say or do. Males that cannot handle rejection, whether it be within reason (which this obviously is) or not, are not worth your time in my honest opinion.
If the power of being able to stand your ground feels good and allows you to feel free after your rape, then I say act on it. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way.
   
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Re: They make it seem like I owe them... - April 27th 2017, 04:40 AM

I'm sorry to hear that such bad thing happened to you. You are in control of things and you have every right to turn them down should be your mantra. I suggest that you seek therapy maybe the fear and pain of being raped is still trapped deep within you and that what causes you to feel obliged to say yes to sex all the time. It is also the main reason why you can't say "no" because of the fear that they might force you to do the deed again.
   
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Re: They make it seem like I owe them... - April 27th 2017, 09:08 AM

Thank you for writing this story. It is very moving. I am sorry your initial experiences with sex have not been great. I hope you can gain confidence for something better in the future.

I see you've had 4 men so far. Hopefully don't base your impression on the entire male population based on those four. Probably the men who approach you are the most aggressive and forward, and I'll guess the really nice men are the quiet ones who are too shy to approach you and talk with you. Keep on the lookout for them. Really good men are out there, and they probably aren't the ones who are in your face.

Has anyone given you the talk about how evolution made men and women different regarding sex? Evolution favors the ones who propagate their genes. Since women are the ones who become pregnant for 9 months and then get stuck with a baby, women are more selective with who they mate with. Women want to select a man who will stick around and help raise the children afterwards. Women are looking for someone who desires them.

Men on the other hand, their best strategy is to have sex with as many women as possible. Just have sex with them, and then move on to the next woman. That way they can spread their genes as far and wide as possible. So men are cursed with an insane desire to have sex with anyone, anywhere, anytime, and they are perpetually unhappy if they are not always having sex.

Women also enjoy sex. But they like to be more choosy.

In short: Men beg; Women choose.

Men will try anything to get into a woman's pants. I see you've already experienced that. They'll try asking, pleading, barganing, begging, they'll try making you feel guilty, like you owe them. Yes they'll try anything! Even force! Though our society looks down on force and we're willing to gang up on anyone who does that and basically beat the s**t out of them, or throw them in prison, or whatever it takes, as we won't tollerate that.

As for the computer guy who wonders when it will be his turn, I'm wondering if he's really posing that question to the universe, asking the universe, or God, "Hey, when will I get laid?" Even if you did have sex with him he'd still be unhappy the next day, asking the universe or God when he'd get laid again.

It's like that old adage: "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

So you could help this guy by teaching him how to flirt with women. If he learns that then he'll be able to go out and pick up all the women he wants. (Well, that may be an exaggeration, but the idea is, teach him flirting skills, get his confidence up.)

There are numerous websites and videos on youtube and books on flirting. Men need to learn Body Language. Have him read up on Body Language. Have him read up on the non-verbal signals women give to show they're interested in a man without actually saying anything.

If he's socially awkward have him look at books on Asperger's for Teens, books on Small Talk and Chit-Chat. If he's anxious or introverted suggest Mindfulness Meditation, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi, Yoga, which can train the mind to be more present in the moment, more relaxed, which helps switch on the body and brain's social engagement mode.

For you I'm glad you have a counselor to talk things over with.

So I see you were in an abusive relationship. I'm glad you are able to identify the relationship as abusive.

Then you had Gary, who maybe as a horney guy wasn't the best person to help you deal with the rape, as he just wanted to get laid, as all men do, though a caring man would put that aside and care about you and your trauma as being more important. (Interesting that he was content having oral without even touching you or giving you anything in return.)

Then there was Tinder Guy #1. Get the sex and virginity thing out of the way. (You're not the only one. I heard the story of a friend who said her friend just wanted to get laid and get it over with so she wouldn't be a virgin anymore.)

Then there's Tinder Guy #2, the computer guy I already mentioned above.

Then Gary comes back in the picture, sending dick pics (really? when will men learn that's not sexy!)

And there's you. With 4 men. All of them wanting sex. None of them really working out for you. (I guess "rape guy" is out of the picture, I hope, leaving 3.)

And you're learning how to say, "No" to people and situations you don't want. Good for you, that's half of regaining power. The other half is learning to say, "Yes" to things you do want, and don't be ashamed about having those desires, and even pursuing those desires.

One thing that might help, is getting in touch with your own feelings. This is basically what Mindfulness Meditation is all about. Taking time out to just scan your body and see what's there, what you are feeling, turn your attention to the present moment and just notice. It helps tune the brain. When done periodically over time it strengthens certain parts of the brain, sort of like how exercise can strengthen muscles. I'm just guessing based on the pattern of being in an abusive relationship and being raped and being coerced by men into having sex that maybe you could benefit from strengthening these various areas of the brain which help us get in touch with our emotions and help us feel grounded and solid in ourselves and our feelings and what we want and what's good for us. It allows us to have compassion for others, without having to sacrifice ourselves. There's a free guided meditation app called "Headspace" you can try.

Best wishes! I do hope you find better boyfrinds in the future!
   
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