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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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Brokengirl1995 Offline
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Need helo - April 28th 2017, 07:09 PM

Me and my fiancée have sex and I often get frustrated now because I do things for her but then we stop after I make her reach that point a couple times and I never reach that point. I'm a female so as soon as I do it to her she wants to stop. I need some advice because I feel bad for wanting her to do things for me..
   
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Re: Need helo - April 30th 2017, 02:09 AM

Hey!

I don't think you should feel bad for wanting her to reciprocate. I think that you have every right for wanting her to pleasure you in the same way you pleasure her.

I just want to ask if this is something that you have talked to her about before and if so how that conversation went? The reason I ask this is because communication is definitely key and even though this is something that definitely can be scary to talk about, you should still feel open with talking to her about your sexual wants and needs and how you feel in general.

I'd sit her down somewhere private and talk to her about it. I'd use "I statements" such as saying "I feel that..." so it doesn't sound as accusatory. Basically you can tell her that you noticed that after she has been pleasured she doesn't reciprocate and do the same for you. You can let her know how this makes you feel and let her know it is just concerning to you in general. You can ask if there are any worries or concerns that stop her from reciprocating.

Basically the point of the talk would be to tell her how you feel and also so she can explain calmly what's going on from her side as well, and then hopefully you both can talk through a solution.

Best of luck!
Dez


   
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Re: Need helo - April 30th 2017, 08:18 AM

Ideally both partners want to satisfy each other.

Ideally both partners have enough energy to satisfy each other.

If one partner just wants to be satisfied, and doesn't want to reciprocate, a few possibilities come to mind.

These are all guesses, as I don't know her at all.

One is, if I understand correctly, you're both lesbians, and maybe that's been hard on her to accept. Maybe she's grown up in an unaccepting family, or an unaccepting church or culture, and even though she still has these natural desires, she has these psychological blocks against them.

Another possibility is she's out of energy. She just doesn't have it in her to please you.

Another possibility is she doesn't know how. (May sound silly since you're showing her how and doing quite a good job of it. Ideally she would reciprocate, and since she's not, we're looking at all possibilities.)

Maybe she wants you to be clean shaven.

Ideally a little communication as Dez suggests. One trick here is use "What..." and "How..." questions. Stay away from "Why..." questions.

I'm guessing maybe she's been wounded psychologically in some sort of way. You could check out the book The 5 Survival Patterns, which is actually mistitled The 5 Personality Patterns by Steven Kessler. (I'm guessing the publishing company made him title the book that way, thinking it would sell more.)

Is she basically an aggressive person? Getting her way, and not caring about others?

Or, perhaps, she's scared, I'm just imagining, maybe her inner love is restrained, she's restraining it, not allowing it to flow outwards, because, maybe she was wounded when she allowed it to flow outwards before, possibly because she allowed it to flow outwards towards another female, and it wasn't received well, so she learned to hold it in, and not give it out, and so she's still holding it in, afraid to give it out, for fear, that if she does, her heart will be broken. Maybe she's protecting her heart?

This is a tough one. I can suggest, possibly, finding a church that is open and affirming and welcoming of lesbians, or finding a LGBQT community, she needs to find a community of people where she is accepted for who she is, as she is, without judgement. That will slowly open her heart.

Another possibility is yoga, if it includes mindfulness, focusing one's attention. (There's also qi-gong and tai-chi. Yoga is just usually easier to find. There's also straight up meditation. Buddhist places often offer meditation groups, or chanting groups.)

You'll notice the last 2 paragraphs appear to have nothing to do with sex. They have everything to do with connecting with other people, and with oneself, in positive ways, which is all necessary prerequisites to good sexual relationships.

And that's all guesswork, as I don't know the person at all. But I do wish the both of you the best, and I hope she can heal her wound, whatever it may be, and open up to the pleasure and enjoyment of giving you pleasure as well as receiving it. Right now she's only getting half of what sex has to offer.
   
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