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Sex and Puberty For questions related to sex, puberty, and similar topics, ask here!

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MA95 Offline
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Question Help? - August 8th 2017, 12:02 AM

Hey;
So there is this guy who I have never really spoken to before we've met a few times but just recently he's expressed he has a crush on me and he wants me to be his first. He's 18 and I'm 21 - age isn't a part of this just thought I'd let you know. He's quite shy, immature and trying to move too quick. I'm shy myself I suffer anxiety and depression I've already told him once to slow down. In the bedroom stance I've only been with one guy and he was very much into controlling the situation in the bedroom and we rarely done foreplay if we did he only ever done it on me. So I have no clue on how to go about things with me taking the lead and being openly communicative with him without cringing. I have a limited sexual experience myself (VERY LIMITED!) and I don't want this to suck for him with it being his first time so any tips are really welcome!
   
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Re: Help? - August 8th 2017, 04:41 AM

Okay, first of all, if he isn't respecting your request to slow things down, absolutely do not have sex with him. That's disrespectful and a clear violation of your boundaries. Healthy boundaries are needed in every relationship but especially in a sexual one. I would recommend being very wary of getting involved with someone, even casually, who doesn't respect your request to go at a slower pace. There are others who will respect your boundaries, and those are the people that are better to get involved with, on every level.

As for the sex "being good for him": it isn't about making sure he has a "good first time." Yes, ideally both of you would have a good time, but society puts way too much pressure on making the first time having sex really big and really special. Some people like it that way, it's true, but many people don't see it that way. You don't have to blow his mind. I've found a healthier way is to approach sex like an interaction where both of you want to create a good end goal: each other's mutual pleasure. Don't make it all about him, and don't make it all about you. Engage in foreplay, whatever that may be for you; experiment. Take your time, see what feels good, and if it does feel good, go with it. It's something you're both contributing to, not something where one of you just gives and the other takes. It's a mutually beneficial relationship, whether that's the one time you have sex or whether there's more.

Good luck, and PM me if you need anything else.



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Re: Help? - August 8th 2017, 08:51 AM

Good advice from DanceCommander.

Let me see if I understand correctly. You have anxiety and depression. He is shy and immature. And he's moving quickly, faster than you'd like.

OK anxiety and depression I'm familiar with that and understand that.

Shy and immature, I kind of get an idea. It's a little vague. I'm not totally clear on who he is or what he's like.

However it sounds like you would still like to do stuff with him. Maybe sexual stuff. So, I guess he's not all that bad a person? I'll guess there's something good about him that you see in him.

OK it seems like communication is a big issue. Some people read body language very well and respond to it appropriately. Other people may be blind to body language and require spoken words to communicate.

And there's the neither of you have experience, which is normal, everyone starts with zero experience, but that could mean fear is a big impediment. Especially if it's someone's first time.

There's fear of "What will happen? Will something bad happen?" because some subcultures use fear to try to convince people not to have sex, so they infer that bad stuff will happen if you do, and honestly that's not helpful at all. (Especially since statistics seem to indicate that it's the people who aren't indoctrinated into fear and are well educated with a positive attitude towards sex who delay having sex.)

So nothing bad is going to happen. As long as you use proper birth control so you don't get pregnant, then nothing bad will happen. As I've read stories about people's first time, it seems afterwards they are kind of thinking, "Umm, that's it?" Like they are expecting something to happen, like the earth opens up and swallows them, or fireworks go off in the sky. But nothing happens. People just seem to think, "Well, that was interesting."

And people put way too much emphasis on their "first time," as if they are going to remember it for the rest of their lives, so it better be superbly excellent, because you only get one "first" time, and this first time will be framed and placed in a museum somewhere. Which is just absurd. And so much pressure to make the "first" time super great, is going to make it horrible!

The less you try to make it good, the better it will be. We don't make it good, we let it be good. That letting go and not caring about how good or bad it is, is the key to enjoying it.

So, nothing bad is going to happen, as long as you use birth control (like a condom, or a condom combined with some contraceptive foam, like Delfen is one brand. The combination pretty much guarantees you're totally safe.)

And don't worry about "first" time. He's not going to remember it a few months from now. (He will probably be happy he's not a virgin anymore.)

You can lay out clearly for him the road map of how it will proceed, and what words he should watch for, so you have a vocabulary of words defined which he understands, like "If I say 'Stop' I want you to stop." and "You may only do what I approve of. I will tell you what to do."

Then you can take control by telling him what he may do, after you've established that you are going to tell him what to do at every step of the way. And you've established the safety words.

Then you can say things like, "Kiss me." "Touch me here."

The biggest thing would be to try to not be afraid, or anxious, since that's already a problem. You really have to feel very comfortable with him, and feel confident that he will respect the safety words you've arranged, (like "Stop").

He's probably very eager to have sex with you, so that should give him a big incentive to cooperate with you.

He sounds like a guy who has a typical strong sex drive (all men do, it's insane!), but doesn't know what to do, and possibly has some fears of his own, possibly he doesn't read body language very well and needs words. He should respect you to the point you feel comfortable with him. (If you don't feel comfortable with him, then it's just not going to be a good experience. That's why people spend time together a bit before doing this, as it gives them time to get to know one another well enough they can feel comfortable with the other person.)

So anyway, a list of suggested steps you can take:
1. Kissing
2. Caressing
3. Breasts
3a. with shirt on
3b. with shirt off
4. More kissing, caressing, fondling, all above the waist.
5. Feeling below the waist, with pants on
6. Take pants off
7. (By the way, this includes him too. Whatever you take it off, he has to take his off.)
8. Feeling below the waist with pants off
9. From here, there are a few options:
10. You could do oral on him, penis in mouth; and/or, he could do oral on you, his mouth down there. (It's all optional! If you don't want to, then don't do it!)
11. You can tell when he's ready because his penis will be erect. (Possibly even before he even takes his pants off.)
12. It's up to you to tell him when you are ready.
It would probably be a good idea to make that one of the rules defined at the beginning, He doesn't try to enter you until you say you are ready.
13. You can always just give him a hand job, or oral, and not have sex if you don't feel like it. As long as he gets his orgasm he'll probably be happy. Plus once a man orgasms, they tend to be happy and are not so eager to immediately have sex. (They need time to recharge.)
14. Or you can chose to have sex if you want. Put on the birth control first!
15. Then have sex and enjoy!
(To a man there's no such thing as 'bad sex', there's just "Yay I got to have sex!" or "Oh I didn't get to have sex but she did give me a nice orgasm." Or, I didn't get to orgasm but at least I got to see her naked." Or, "I didn't get to see all of her naked but at least I got to see her breasts."

OK there's kind of a road map idea to get you started. It's very flexible. That's just kind of a typical way it goes.

Hope that helps some. Best wishes!
   
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