after 3 years i feel ready to lose it

[lynn221]

Hey so this post might get a little long..sorry if it does! I appreciate anyone who replies So I am 21 and my bf will be 21 next month.. we have been together for 3 years and i love him so much. I've had family members and friends being like oh you still hanging onto that guy? you going to get married? blah blahh. and my mom and grandma have always told me, fairly often actually, the past 3 years that i need to explore, date, meet other guys, have fun ect. cause he was my first real long term relationship(my ex was a short, high school fling that turned out him cheating, but anyways) so my response to them has always been im going to live in the moment and i dont want a break, im happy with him now, there are a lot of assholes in the world, it would break his heart and who stops seeing their best friend anyways!? so I've always just put it in the back of my head because i love him and we both are on the same page..we want to get married around 26/27 and have kids after, be financially able and done school before we move in and not anytime very soon.

I went on a beach holiday with my best friend, sara (lets call her) and a bunch of her guy friends. Long story short, she likes one of them, he always rejects her, they both start hooking up with others on the trip.. she was a mess all week and being nasty to me saying shes jealous, wants the relationship i have, .. that I am flirting with the guy she likes (when he was just being nice since i didnt know the group well) anyways then i was getting depressed cause everyone i went w/ was hooking up and I'd go back to the room from the club missing my bf..she didnt care about my feelings. then the guys knew she was driving me crazy all week and jealous of me and obsessing over a guy who keeps saying it wont work to her.. so they knew i wasnt having a great time and they are nice guys and would hang out, talk, make jokes, ask about my bf, ex's and all that. they would also rate girls and guys on the beach and make noises when they saw a hot girl lol..it was all jokes and my friend found it offensive :/ then one of them i found myself liking (not the one my friend likes!) Well more they all were flattering to make me feel good, not in like a perverted way. But this one guy i liked especially. i got the feeling from him that if i didnt have a bf he would have tried something on me or wanted to go out or dance there or whatever. this guy would compliment my heels, belt, skirt stuff like that and apparently everyone was in the ocean and he made that noise the guys made when they see a hot girl, to me when i was in my bikini! But long story short he didn’t make any moves cause he knew i had a bf and they were just nice guys and there for me during the week.

When i got back i started wondering how many guys i have rejected or could have given a chance that were nice, but i never did cause I am very faithful to my bf. And i was having some thought that i liked this guy and was attracted to him (similar features as my bf) from the group and questioning if i want a break from my bf. But then i decided that I was just a little flattered there and they were just being friendly which is nice but thats it, it was a little flattering and such but no need to give up what my bf and i have cause of these thoughts of “exploring” like my mom and grandma have been telling me.


Now my bf wants to go away a weekend up north to spend together and have sex. He has been extremely patient with it and never has pushed me, but well i know he wants it. (done pretty much everything but actual intercourse) and said if we get there and i dont want to we wont and will just cuddle. hes very respectful and will always stop when i ask.. i dont think guys like that are easy to find. but then i have these feelings from the trip i didn’t like and i don’t know if i should be meeting other people before we do actually get married, if we do.(which i have thought about before that maybe my mom and grandma are right:S ) but its just a look, i dont act on it ever if i think someones hot or something lol Over a year ago I talked to him about it the whole do you think people can just marry there first love without ever meeting anyone else, well he thought i was breaking up, which i wasn’t. He basically said you never know if you’ll get back together and either person could find someone they end up marrying while the other is “exploring” which i agree.


Today when he was saying to go overnight I asked him if he thinks it ok if people have sex before marriage and don’t end up actually marrying that person, cause you just never know the future right. And he said that its ok and he said basically: i love you and care about you baby,i want to lose it to you cause i could see myself marrying you. I can see myself marrying him too and I’ve thought about living with him, what our children would look like, our wedding ect but the future does scare me and if what my mom and grandma are saying about exploring and other options is true.


So to sum up, i do love him, i do see myself having a future with him and i don’t believe i need to wait until I am married for sex..but im scared that if we have sex i’ll be wondering what if i don’t marry him, i don’t want to have sex and then feel like i need to break up before we actually would settle down. Or do you think its just been too much pressure from my mom and grandma? Anyone else ever have this happen? how do you deal with it? And do you think what i was thinking over the trip was just me being flattered and nothing to break up over? we both of course dont know the future so if i feel ready should i go ahead.. i dont feel like i have a lot to lose being with someone 3 years, hes no stranger. even if we didnt get married, its not like i lost it to someone i hardly knew. but i dont want to do it then feel i need a break soon down the road, and break his heart.. but ahh all these break feelings isnt coming from meee..i think I've just had to much pressure and talk of "exploring other options" from my mother and grandma has really affected me over the years

[SamMarie]

I can understand that feeling of being ready, but being scared to commit.. I mean, you can't really live your life asking "what ifs"? There is going to be a time where you accept the risk whether or not he leaves the relationship or not. And you know what? If you really love him as much as you say you do no matter if something happened to you two, I think you would be happy you lost it to him because love is just an amazing creation. There has to be love if there has been commitment for that long and the feeling is still strong.

I think the only reason people say "sex after marriage" is a better choice because It's more of a "safer" choice for society in some aspect. You're usually frowned upon because of the risk factors involved before marriage. Whereas, sex before marriage doesn't usually end up well in today's society. Just both these ideas are both risky in every way. Everyone is different, however. Life is all about risky choices. Love is however you perceive it. So, if you feel the love you both have created for the last 3 years can go to that extent, go for it. Just remember the consequences since everything has a consequence. I mean, in my opinion, anyone can tell me sex after marriage is a good thing, but I won't believe it because you can divorce. There is no way of telling what's right these days except yourself. You make the decisions and regretting it is up to you entirely.

Anyway, it's normal to be scared your first time. I'm assuming you haven't had sex before, but let's be a little open minded around here. I mean, your boyfriend has been patient with you and you can believe whoever you want, but what do YOU want? I'm sure you've been curious as well. No one can tell you the best decision. Think of it like this.. you probably had times where you were in a risky situation in the relationship where you've been on the edge of breaking up. Maybe it was a rumor, misunderstanding, or just a fight in general. You both were able to work at it together. I'm sure if the love is true between you two, you can handle sex. So, my advice to you is trust your instincts and follow your heart. Good luck!

[lynn221]

hey thanks for your response i really do feel ready except , well if it wasnt for these feelings from my trip and being flattered by these guys anddd what my mom and grandma have been saying, then i know i wouldnt be thinking about being scared to commit cause i have been with him 3 years and we live a day at a time and know we arent going to get married soon.

but then now i msged the guy from our group, from the trip.. saying hi, asking about my friend and saying thanks for talking to me when i was upset on the trip cause what happened with my friend when she got angry at mee :/ he had just talked and listened like a friend nothing more. is this bad though i wanted to say hi and all? also he stopped talking right noww.. i think cause i have a bf and he doesnt want to talk alot cause that, but ive gotten the feeling he would have asked me out if i didnt..... he was the one that flattered me the most and i did kind of find him attractive but like i said it was just a look id never do anything, but are these second guessing my relationship with my bf unhealthy? should i not be having sex with him?? or you think i was just flattered which was nice and thats that and i should continue to ignore what my mom and grandma say about "exploring" and meeting other people.. ?


and the part you said ,"If you really love him as much as you say you do no matter if something happened to you two, I think you would be happy you lost it to him because love is just an amazing creation. There has to be love if there has been commitment for that long and the feeling is still strong. " and this is true , even if we didnt last forever or get married i dont think i'd regret it but i dont want to do it and have these feelings ive said in the back of my head and then end up breaking his heart. i say to him i could see myself marrying you too, which i can... but i leave out the part where i could see myself marrying you AFTER i maybe "
"explore" ; so i know for sure ; maybe i should listen to my mom and grandma. but then i try so hard not to but now its getting in my head i should which is making me reluctant to have sex with him because of both these little crush i guess you can call i have on these guy and thinking all the guys i could have had that ive rejected and feelings i am getting from my mom & grandma im taking it out on my bf and have been nasty to him and short the past few days im just so confused if these thoughts are bad taking it out on him but by saying im mad cause he keeps changing plans for our trip,which he does! please help!i dont want to let being flattered and nice comments ruin my wholeee relationship with my bf and what my family says i need to do.

[Pheonix]

Okay, STOP thinking. You are over thinking out of anxiety and fear that you're going to make a mistake, but underneath, you KNOW already. It has been 3 years and I trust you know way more about your relationship than any of us. So, you've been missing out on other guys, but you've had innumerable experiences with this guy you would have never had with them. Sure, you might break up. You might get married and get a divorce anyways. None of that dictates weather or not this experience is one you are ready for or not. If it were to end the next day, would you regret it or would you be thankful you shared it with somebody you were deeply in love with and could trust? You already know, so calm down, go away with him and when he asks, I'm sure the answer will come to you and like you said, he will respect it regardless. You don't need to plan your answer first. Planning too much for a first time will just ruin the moment with anxiety about what to do/when/whatever and then you might feel like you have to stick to what you decided. It really ruined it for me. Just trust yourself. Cliche yes, but you'll just know.

Also, your grandmother and mother are not going to be in bed with you when you make YOUR decision about your body and your relationship...at least I hope not...

Thinking about carrying a couple of "incase" condoms is a swell idea though. You don't need to use them if you're not ready...and if he accidentally finds them and wants to know, they're just a safety precaution.

[lynn221]

lol i know your right i am way over thinking it, my gut feeling as always been that i want to lose it to him. and to answer your question
"If it were to end the next day, would you regret it or would you be thankful you shared it with somebody you were deeply in love with and could trust?" ... even we down the road we ended breaking up i wouldnt regret the actual having sex with him cause i do love him and trust him and been together a long time.. butttt the main thing is the part i might regret is him not knowing that i have these feelings about meeting other people before settling down.. while he said he wants to marry me in the future... i made a joke i best not get pregnant otherwise your really stuck and his response was thats ok i want to be with you. so its not the sex with him i would regret but the thoughts in my head (pushed by my family)! that i need to explore and play the field. so its more me feeling bad wondering if thats true while we have sex. i dont want that to happen ..
then again if it wasnt for my family, i wouldnt be having these thoughts at all, i've always felt i wanted to marry him