Why do I not want to get physical?!

[holdinghands]

First off, I'm a crazy flirt when I like someone... Not the embarrassing kind where I display myself all over them, but to the point where I lead them on. And most of the time, I get fleeting moments of affection from a simple text or a long talks where we connect and I have true feelings for them. However, it's only a matter of time until the idea of a relationship starts. I've been in relationships, and I've been to approximately base 3 (for lack of another description!) and I have to admit... I didn't feel anything. While they were into it, I didn't feel "into it" or "horny." Might I add it was extremely disappointing. It wasn't his performance either (hahah) and it wasn't traumatizing or anything. I can't recall if I was nervous before going into it or not, but what I know is while sparks of a new relationship are beginning with myself and a guy I befriended, thoughts of even going on a DATE scare me. Something will go wrong, he'll lose interest, he'll want something more... And thinking of even making out with him make my hands clammy and make my stomach go into knots. Not unlike the feeling of... I guess, dread. I love kissing! I don't know what's wrong! I've wanted a steady relationship and I crave the relationship feelings that others have only described to me from physical intimacy. It's all so confusing. UGH. Anyhow, if you can identify or have an advice on how to allow myself to actually enjoy things such as this, it would be greatly appreciated!!!! Thanks for reading my novel... Hahaha

[Aletheia*]

To me, it sounds like you're afraid to get close to someone which isn't an uncommon thing. Like any kind of relationship between two people, things can end which is a scary prospect for some people. You can't let your fear of striking out keep you from playing the game (a very easy quote to remember and live by). Your going to experience relationships, and YES, they will end sometimes but that doesn't mean you should ever give up hope on finding the one relationship that gives you butterflies inside. It's all trial and error. Just never settle for less than you deserve, because you deserve the best.