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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Heathen Offline
Beauty and Bedlam
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So...I'm a lesbian - July 1st 2019, 12:49 AM

This thread has been labeled as non-PG13 by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for younger users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've known I'm not straight for about half my life. Started as bisexual, then pan, and within the last few years I've identified as "queer." I've mostly dated men but had my first longterm relationship with a woman for five years from 2014-2019. We were polyamorous and during that time I dated a lot, but I found myself being less and less interested in men over the course of that time.

Yesterday I was at a strip club with my ex celebrating my 29th birthday. I was quite drunk and I was watching the dancers. They were absolutely stunning and suddenly I had this thought of "I'm a lesbian." I was drunk, but it was like I was hit with a ton of bricks. I told my ex and she was like "duh." I was half amused, half really upset about this realization. I decided to sleep on it.

Today I thought about it more and told my ex, while sober, that I am a lesbian. I told her even saying "I'm a lesbian" sounds right. I have such mixed feelings about it, though. The world is hard on you for being gay. I worry my parents won't love me anymore. That's probably silly, but I have this fear that it was "acceptable" as long as part of me still liked men, but now that I don't they won't like it. I know my extended family won't but fuck them. I worry I'll be discriminated against more. I live in a pretty liberal city, but there's still a lot of homophobic people in my area, especially in the suburbs. I think it's also legal to not serve gay people/give gay people healthcare in my area and that terrifies me. Also, part of me wanted to not be so "weird." Not that being gay is weird, it's just so much about me makes me different from most people already and I didn't want one more thing to, so I'm sad about that.

I also feel confused because I still like penises. Obviously there are strap-ons and that will probably do me just fine, but I don't mind having sex with bio cocks. Most ladies do not have penises, so I feel like that means I'll still be having sex with men. To me, it's just a dick, though; I'm not really attracted to the men they're attached to. And I get horny easily and men are just so EASY for sex, generally speaking. They're almost always game, in my experience. So I feel like if I get really horny I'll just compromise and end up having sex with a man, even though it's not really fulfilling at all.

How do I navigate this? How do I set good boundaries so I can have healthy relationships with sex and love and still feel good about myself? How can I feel comfortable being gay in a part of America that really hates gay people?

The moon asked the crow
For a little show
In the hazy milk of twilight
No one had to know
The moon asked the crow...
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IQ2300 Offline
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Re: So...I'm a lesbian - July 4th 2019, 05:46 AM

For one, You can have different romantic and sexual orientations. You may like exclusively women romantically, and call yourself a lesbian because of it, but still like men as well sexually. It is also okay for your orientation to change over time, as it seems to have done. Very little in life is stationary.

"How do I navigate this?" - I would assume the same way you navigated finding out you were bi, or pan, or queer. Identity is a constant process to figure out, and really only you can decide who you are.

"How do I set good boundaries so I can have healthy relationships with sex and love and still feel good about myself?" - I think your current boundaries seem fine? You would only be involved with women romantically, and you aren't particularly interested in men, but you are interested in the ease of attraction & the genitalia. That seems like well-laid boundaries to be perfectly honest. If it still is an uncomfortable thought to you to have sex with men, as you said, there's plenty of replacements for a dick. It's something you can work around.

"How can I feel comfortable being gay in a part of America that really hates gay people?" - Can't help this one, sorry I wish there weren't parts of America like that.

I hope I helped, and I hope your troubles surrounding identity cease soon enough.
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Ambedo. Offline
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Outside, huh?
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Re: So...I'm a lesbian - July 15th 2019, 06:20 AM

Like Livia said, it's totally possible to have different romantic and sexual orientations. Enjoying sex that includes penises, strap-on or physically attached to a human, doesn't make you any less of a lesbian. At the end of the day, a label is really just a blanket term. Think of it like a can of soup. The label is used as the best descriptor for what is inside the package, but there are so many different varieties, even within a label. I tend to think of sexuality the same way. It's up to you to determine what term is best suited to you and how you see your orientation, but you're also free to interpret it however you want and add or take away anything that doesn't fit into your orientation.

Navigating sexual orientation is something that I honestly believe never stops. The bits you have to navigate may change depending on where you're at in life and the circumstances surrounding it, but there will always be something to figure out. For me, the thing that has worked best has been taking things day by day and not pressuring myself to have everything figured out. When you're faced with a tough situation, try to focus on what the best response/action is in the given moment. You can always approach it again further down the line if need be.

Not being completely out can be challenging, but for you, I feel like it might be the best way to approach things for the time being. If you're in a situation where your parents reaction could drastically impact your well-being, mental health, living situation, or safety, it might be best to avoid telling them that you've realized you're a lesbian until that isn't a concern anymore. The same goes for your city. If your rights are going to be diminished simply for being gay, keep it under wraps as much as possible until you have a plan of action for dealing with any potential consequences. Keeping part of your identity tucked away sucks. I totally understand if that's your primary reaction right now. But, coming out is so much of a need to know basis thing, especially when you are living in an area where your quality of life could be impacted. Doing what is best for your well-being doesn't take away from the authenticity of your identity at all.

As for creating healthy boundaries, that's very much something that you will have to figure out day by day. Perhaps you could sit down and make a list of what is important to you in sexual relationships vs. romantic relationships. If you plan on having sex outside of your romantic relationships, come up with a clear, defined line for the things that can absolutely not cross over from one to the other. For example, is staying the night with a sexual partner something that you're comfortable with or something that you feel would hurt your romantic relationships? Of course, there will be some fluidity between the two, but figuring out the things that are exclusive to one type of relationship or the other may help you begin to determine where your boundaries are in each.

If you want to process this some more, feel free to message me. I don't have a lot of experience with polyamory, but I have a lot of experience navigating identities and all of that.

Take care,

wanderlust consumed her;
foreign hearts & exotic minds compelled her.
she had a gypsy soul
and a vibrant heart for the unknown.
-d. marie
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