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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 13th 2012, 03:44 PM

I am actually desperate. Not so much desperate to find someone else, but desperate to move on. I've had plenty of girls come my way in the past year, but none like my ex. When we broke up, last July, my feelings for her were more subtle than they were at the beginning of the relationship, and the feelings I have now seem to multiply.

For the first 6 months after the break up, I felt a cold-hearted indignation towards what our relationship was, and I would tend to move around proclaiming that it was a shambles. I didn't feel that way, but it was my way of justifying to the world how it fell apart. I honestly didn't want the world to see me as a menace - of course, I was a menace to her, and that's why she's moved on. I've tried numerous times to contact her, and a few have been filled with hostility, and a few others filled with kind-hearted banter that is very short and standoffish. Eventually, the conversations cease and nothing happens again for another month or so when I get desperate. That's been going on for about six months now.

Anyway. I've been able - at least to some extent - to bury myself in University in any communication absence, but now that winter break has come about, I'm afraid I have nothing to do. I could spend time writing a paper or jumping head first into an internship, but I'm only second year, and very few law firms accept second years. Rather, instead of just covering all of this up with study, work and other intellectually stimulating activities, all I want is for it to be gone. Gone completely.

I've tried several things: getting with other girls, burying myself in stuff, getting a hobby, hanging out with friends, hopping into chat rooms, playing games, going to bars, doing extra-curricular stuff, going on holidays, getting completely drunk and making a tonne of mistakes... Nothing. Nothing at all.

Any other ideas?


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Re: It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 15th 2012, 12:45 AM

Break ups are never easy, and I'd just like to say that I'm so sorry that you're still feeling this way after a year. How long were you two together? The longer you stay together, the longer it takes to get over it usually.
You're doing the right things so far by attempting to get over her. The best thing to do is to continue to try. If you are still talking to her, then I'd cut off contact, it will speed up the process. I also would try and treat this as neutrally as you can, if you pretend to be more torn up about it than you are, then you may start to actually believe it.
The only problem is you shouldn't get with other girls until you are completely ready. Its a good idea to stay single and work on moving on first. Continue to do things that you enjoy and try and find small things that make you happy.
I know a year seems like a long time and it may seem like you're never going to get over her, but you will. Just continue to distract yourself for now.


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Re: It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 15th 2012, 01:22 AM

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Originally Posted by Nicole! View Post
Break ups are never easy, and I'd just like to say that I'm so sorry that you're still feeling this way after a year. How long were you two together? The longer you stay together, the longer it takes to get over it usually.
You're doing the right things so far by attempting to get over her. The best thing to do is to continue to try. If you are still talking to her, then I'd cut off contact, it will speed up the process. I also would try and treat this as neutrally as you can, if you pretend to be more torn up about it than you are, then you may start to actually believe it.
The only problem is you shouldn't get with other girls until you are completely ready. Its a good idea to stay single and work on moving on first. Continue to do things that you enjoy and try and find small things that make you happy.
I know a year seems like a long time and it may seem like you're never going to get over her, but you will. Just continue to distract yourself for now.
Thanks Nicole, it's greatly appreciated.

I don't believe I'm overreacting or causing some sort of emotional cycle as you describe. The reason this whole emotional thing started was her actions. I realised that she wouldn't be riding on my coat-tails any longer, and that she would actually moved on. She already has, which is why I understand that contacting her in any way or form is pretty much going to get me nowhere - and that's why I want to stop. For the first few months, whilst I steered clear of her for weeks at a time, there'd be a day or two every few weeks that I'd just completely lose it, and try to grab onto whatever she'd left behind - I knew I was losing the battle, but I tried to grab some sort of remnant of her being and of our relationship. I felt that the whole thing would be in vain otherwise, and I knew I didn't regret a thing.

I don't actually regret breaking up with her. The relationship was a tough ride for both of us, and we each had our own little worlds to conquer - I was going to law school; she was studying myotherapy and lived thirty minutes away; she was going clubbing, and I was at home having a beer with my dad. We both cheated on each other at points, but that was a year before it ended. She continued to feel insecure, and I began to trust her again. It was a tough ride, and I don't really wish for that to happen to us again, and I don't wish that it had continued going on. I suppose, in that sense, I've moved on. I don't want to forget the good parts, though. I'm clinging to the good, and that had to ultimately be her.

We were dating for a little over two years. I was horrible to her in the end.

Thanks for your advice, though. I'll continue to distract myself. Hopefully, it'll work sometime.


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Re: It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 15th 2012, 02:39 AM

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Originally Posted by Composure View Post
Thanks Nicole, it's greatly appreciated.

I don't believe I'm overreacting or causing some sort of emotional cycle as you describe. The reason this whole emotional thing started was her actions. I realised that she wouldn't be riding on my coat-tails any longer, and that she would actually moved on. She already has, which is why I understand that contacting her in any way or form is pretty much going to get me nowhere - and that's why I want to stop. For the first few months, whilst I steered clear of her for weeks at a time, there'd be a day or two every few weeks that I'd just completely lose it, and try to grab onto whatever she'd left behind - I knew I was losing the battle, but I tried to grab some sort of remnant of her being and of our relationship. I felt that the whole thing would be in vain otherwise, and I knew I didn't regret a thing.

I don't actually regret breaking up with her. The relationship was a tough ride for both of us, and we each had our own little worlds to conquer - I was going to law school; she was studying myotherapy and lived thirty minutes away; she was going clubbing, and I was at home having a beer with my dad. We both cheated on each other at points, but that was a year before it ended. She continued to feel insecure, and I began to trust her again. It was a tough ride, and I don't really wish for that to happen to us again, and I don't wish that it had continued going on. I suppose, in that sense, I've moved on. I don't want to forget the good parts, though. I'm clinging to the good, and that had to ultimately be her.

We were dating for a little over two years. I was horrible to her in the end.

Thanks for your advice, though. I'll continue to distract myself. Hopefully, it'll work sometime.
Sorry if it came across that way, but I wasn't trying to imply that I think you're overreacting. I don't think that at all actually, I know how tough break ups can be! Its perfectly reasonable to still be upset over it.
It does sound like you're pretty close to moving on, you're handling this very maturely in my opinion. Two years is a pretty long time so that could be whats contributing to the length of time moving on is taking.
I'd just try and not stress too much about this. Put your focus on something productive and you should continue to feel better about this whole situation. If I could speed this along for you, I would. :P


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Re: It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 16th 2012, 03:20 AM

Hey, I'm in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years also and broke up last August.

I don't have any answers for you because I'm still struggling too, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I feel the same way, but I do think it's getting better as time presses on. I just read this post and really related to it. Best wishes


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Re: It's been a year. Time to get over this. - June 18th 2012, 01:47 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole! View Post

Sorry if it came across that way, but I wasn't trying to imply that I think you're overreacting. I don't think that at all actually, I know how tough break ups can be! Its perfectly reasonable to still be upset over it.
It does sound like you're pretty close to moving on, you're handling this very maturely in my opinion. Two years is a pretty long time so that could be whats contributing to the length of time moving on is taking.
I'd just try and not stress too much about this. Put your focus on something productive and you should continue to feel better about this whole situation. If I could speed this along for you, I would. :P
Oh, sorry Nicole! I didn't mean to insinuate that I thought that you insinuated that I was overreacting. That's not the case at all, I was just feeling a bit under the pump that day and I felt that maybe I was overreacting. I mean, it has been way too long since we broke up and I feel that maybe feeling this way is just a little too dramatic. I had thought that maybe so far I was thinking of it neutrally, from an objective point of view and that's how I come to these silly conclusions. I try to look at it externally ("what would I really think if someone told me they were feeling this way?"), and the answer was that I would honestly think I was either overreacting, being dramatic or some other emotion of angst. I just don't know how I could rationally feel like this, is all.

Thank you so much for the help though, it's great to read some encouragement. I have tried to distract myself from the issue the past couple of days, and been working on a little project of mine to finally get out and get some life experiences (well, more than I have already experienced anyway!). It hasn't been totally successful. Catching a train make things worse, because I'll get up two hours earlier and head into University or into work just to see if I can catch the same train as her (I remember her schedule/routine like the back of my hand!), or I'll leave University early just to catch the same train as her back home! I've done this for a few months, so I guess I'll have to cut that out (never seen her, anyway). I feel like a stalker. Hah.

But thank you, again. Means alot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by flippinmayonnaise View Post
Hey, I'm in a similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for two years also and broke up last August.

I don't have any answers for you because I'm still struggling too, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I feel the same way, but I do think it's getting better as time presses on. I just read this post and really related to it. Best wishes
I hope you're okay! It helps knowing someone is in the same position. I hope it all works out for you, and I wish I could help at all. Drop me a line if you ever feel the need to chat. (:


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