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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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Lion Heart Offline
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Breakup, understanding his feelings - June 21st 2012, 12:42 PM

We have been dating for almost two years now. It was wonderful a lot of the time, but it also sucked. I started breaking up with him because he went to jail and had hidden what he was doing from me and entirely broke my trust. However I kept trying to forgive him anyway. After the third time I broke up with him he decided he was done with me and that we wouldn’t be getting back together.

He says he still loves me and wants to get back together with me later on, but he feels like if he were to commit to me now that we'd end up staying together for a long time. Because of how his parents turned out he thinks he should date a lot of people before settling down. He is afraid that we would be with each other for super long we would grow apart and then realize we missed a huge part of our young lives to explore and meet a lot of people. Which is a concern that I share with him.

He also says with me he feels super attached and happy while with me but that it fades super fast once we separate. I'm not really sure how to view this, it sounds to me like he has fallen out of love with me, but he says he still does so I'm unsure what this means.

Also its been two days and he has already found another girl to date. This REALLY devastates me. To be honest I'm okay with breaking up, I think its for the best. But I hold the love and good times we shared as something truly special and when he moves on that fast it makes it seem meaningless. To see him with no recovery time, to say 'oh, its over? okay!' and go and date some other girl right away? Isn’t he supposed to be sad? Shouldn’t he feel to emotionally drained and hurt to start something else right away? I know I do.


Anyways, I was hoping people could shed some light on this for me in understanding him. I still really love him and am feeling pretty hurt.
   
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Brandon Offline
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Re: Breakup, understanding his feelings - June 21st 2012, 01:36 PM

First and foremost, only you truly understand your boyfriend the most because you've been with him for almost two years -- I already know my girlfriend almost inside and out, and we've only been dating for a year and two months almost. Every guy is different, so I can only provide an example but that doesn't mean it accurately reflects any of his thoughts and opinions.

Before I get onto how he may feel about the whole thing, it's important for you to understand a few things:

1. You broke up with him, and you're saying that you're okay with that. What he does beyond the relationship is no longer any of your concern because if you continue to care about what happens, you are honestly not okay with breaking up with him and you need to go back to pursue him before things happen. The truth of the matter is that a lot of people go into a relationship and think about who their "rebound" is going to be, and it may just so happened that your ex boyfriend had a girl in mind, maybe even knew he had a chance with her, and that's what he went with.

2. I'm not going to bother asking what he did to land himself in jail. It seems like the relationship was deteriorating ever since then. Not only have you broke up with him, but you've been breaking up with him. Relationships are an "all or nothing" thing -- if you break up over and over again, you're ultimately wasting your time and effort. The only thing probably happening when breaking up over and over again is pissing him off rather than teaching him a lesson (if that was your intention).

With my experience with relationships, one break-up is a clear indication that the relationship has major issues. If my girlfriend were to not only break up with me once, but three times, I would not feel any emotional attachment. You're either with me or against me, and I don't really blame the guy for being done with you because I feel that breaking up means that you no longer enjoy the relationship. I want to be in a committed relationship where the feeling is mutual, and if my girlfriend is the only one breaking up...either she's got personal problems, or she needs to grab the relationship by the balls and confront me about problems with the relationship.

The fact that he has commitment issues is a big problem. If he's not willing to settle down, that's a huge red flag and completely understandable why, after almost two years, he can still be in love with you but wants to break up. He still wants to explore, and it seems like there wasn't clear communication in the beginning of the relationship. The fact that he lied to you about something that landed him in jail is a big deal because...was it a lie that was necessary to keep from you, or was his intention to manipulate you? To me, it seems like the relationship was back and forth pissing each other, lack of communication, lack of effort (maybe only on his side), etc.

As far as your question on how he feels...there's no way to tell. You probably pissed him off to the point that he gave up about his emotions and doesn't care anymore. He may be upset, but some guys don't show their emotions. They just shrug it off, put some chewing tobacco in their mouths, and keep on truckin. He shouldn't feel a certain way -- people just react differently to different situations. After all, if my girlfriend broke up with me a first time...that's a red flag and wouldn't be surprised if she broke up with me again. So the emotion was lacked probably because he knew it was heading in that direction.
   
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