Stuck and Frustrated

[Isibeal]

Ok, I know I'm a tad old for these forums but they've helped me in the past. In all honesty, I think this should be a site for both teens and young adults. But to my dilemma...

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years, we're 21 and 22 respectively, and together we have shared many experiences together and we also share a lot of interests such as music, camping, and cannabis to name a few. But for a while now we've just been fighting a lot more often and most of the time it's just stupid arguments on where we should go eat dinner or who's turn it is to clean the litter box. I know little arguments are part of having a relationship, but now my boyfriend is becoming more physical with them and this is where I'm stuck.

He hasn't hit me, unless we're both in mutual combat then anything goes, but when we do get into a verbal argument he'll start pushing and shoving me. And if he doesn't push or shove me, his next option is to punch the closest thing next to him whether it's the windshield to a car (his is actually cracked) or a wall. This behavior is scaring me, and in all honesty I would probably leave within the week if I was able to, but I'm stuck.

We now rent a home together, have 2 cats, and separately we can't afford to live alone just due to rent prices where we live and the fact my job has horrible pay (would get a new one but can't once I go back to college in the fall). I do love my boyfriend a lot and he means the world to me, he's my best friend. But now those feelings don't feel the same anymore and they're starting to be replaced with fear and sadness.

Is there any hope for this relationship? He really is a one of a kind guy and is really sweet, but I have a feeling that his anger issues won't go away any time soon. I'm just stuck.

[Ridergirl]

Have you talked to him about it? He might not even realise that you feel this way. If you guys really love each other you would be able to work it out. However, if your scared to talk to him then thats a really big issue. He might be willing to do something to help his anher management or maybe take some couple therapy. I dont know your boyfriend so its really hard for me to say whether or not he would. You are your best instinct.
I wish you luck with your relationship 2 1/2 years is a long time congratulation. I hope everything works out!

[PSY]

Welcome to TeenHelp! You're not the only young adult who visits this website - in fact, there are quite a few members in the ages 18-25 range (including myself). =)

First, at this point, I think you need to develop a safety plan. What will you do if he becomes violent again and you need to leave in a hurry? Have important documents stored somewhere that is easily accessible, so if you need to, you can flee the house with those (along with some cash/credit cards) and go somewhere safe (such as a hotel, or better yet, a relative's/friend's house that is within walking/driving/public transportation distance). I'm not saying things will get worse with your boyfriend, but at this point, I would not rule out the possibility, and it's best to plan for the worst-case scenario.

Second, you're right when you say that the "anger issues won't go away any time soon." The two of you have developed an unhealthy pattern/habit of fighting, and it's going to take time for the two of you to break that pattern/habit and reach a point where you both feel safe around each other. Notice how I put the emphasis on "the two of you," because whether you want to admit it or not, you have the power to de-escalate the fighting. He may be the one throwing punches, but if you've been feeding his anger, then you need to own up to your side of things, and agree to work on your anger issues as well. It would probably be a good idea for the two of you to try couples therapy, even if just for a few sessions, so you can learn some techniques for communicating more effectively and calming down when things get heated. This is not just going to be about him - it's going to be about the two of you working as a team.

Third, if he's not willing to work on the relationship, then you'll need to come up with an alternative plan - and unfortunately, that may mean putting school on hold so you can find a full-time job and move out. Another possibility may be living with a family member or friend, depending on how close they are to your university, or finding a few roommates you can live with for an affordable price. If this relationship takes a turn for the worse, though, then you CAN'T stay with him because leaving might put your future plans on hold. If he decides to punch you one day (instead of the windshield), your future plans, and your very life, may be put at risk. You can't take that chance, no matter how much you love him.

I wish you all the best, and feel free to keep us updated on your situation.