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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Synaesthete Offline
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Conflicting Emotions. Long but please help. - January 12th 2009, 03:57 PM

I was with my ex for two and a half years. We had had our tough times but overall I thought it was a good relationship and by the end we were stronger than ever. He got scared of how serious it could become and left. I won't get into the details but he left in a way that was cowardly and hurtful, and afterwards looked for reasons to be mad at me and stopped speaking to me altogether for a few weeks. I was devastated but had a brief fling with someone from work and made some new friends. My old friends were mutual friends of my ex and me, but we still hung out and talked often.
Eventually, my ex and I started speaking again and got back on better terms. He was on and off dating a girl he worked with, but kept leaving her for me. I, however, was scared to get back together because of how badly he had hurt me (it wasn't the first time, either). So I said I wanted to try to be friends for now.
Meanwhile, one of the guys I had become friends with while my ex and I weren't speaking (not my fling - that was long over) was quickly becoming one of the best friends I ever had.
Things were still difficult with my ex and I was still hanging out with my friend, but I began to feel pulled in two directions because my friend had fallen in love with me. He has never been in love with a girl before, though he has had his share of lust-fueled but meaningless relationships. I was the first girl who truly cared for him, who told him he was a good person, who didn't want to fool around with him and then leave.
I found myself looking at two different futures - one with my ex, who I have the history with and who was my first love and who I still love and one with my best friend, who was there for me when no one else was and who made me laugh all summer when I was sad. They both knew about the other and I continued to hang out with them both as friends, not knowing what to do.
This continued for months and my ex and I fought more and more as I was living with him at the time and it was harder on him in a way than my best friend because of the history and because he had only ever known me as his girlfriend. I recently took some clothes and have been staying with my grandparents for about a week and a half.
My ex and I haven't spoken much as we couldn't do so without fighting, but I hung out with my best friend a lot. One night, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said okay without completely thinking. We're dating now and while he does make me happy and I can see that future, I'm not sure if it's right, though I don't know if that has anything to do with us or just me still thinking about what could be with my ex (my boyfriend knows I'm not over my ex and is very understanding and wonderful). What should I do? Sometimes I want to be with one and sometimes I want to be with the other. I need to end this triangle once and for all.


kayla.

sorry for annoying you with my frienship.
   
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Re: Conflicting Emotions. Long but please help. - January 12th 2009, 04:01 PM

Okay, I kind of know how you feel ... it's like you wanna try something new, but you want to keep the other person as well, just in case that something new doesn't work out.

I'd say go for this new guy ... for obvious reasons. Give him a chance. And maybe you should try and see your ex less if possible, because the more you see him the longer it will take you to get over him. Tell yourself that that part of your life is over and that you deserve better, and move on.

I have small regrets about leaving my boyfriend for someone else ... but that is all in the past, and I'd say in the long term I'm better of this way. Don't be scared to go for something new and leave your comfort zone. And whatever findal decision you make, I'm sure it will be the right one for you. Good luck! x




Sometimes it's better to forget how you feel
and remember what you deserve


S. M ... still in my heart, forever
   
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Synaesthete Offline
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Re: Conflicting Emotions. Long but please help. - January 12th 2009, 04:05 PM

I forgot to mention that my mom is getting married in less than two weeks in Mexico. The family and friends are all going. My ex was invited and has already paid to come along so he'll be there with me for a week.


kayla.

sorry for annoying you with my frienship.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Synaesthete Offline
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Re: Conflicting Emotions. Long but please help. - January 12th 2009, 04:07 PM

And yes, that's exactly how it is. A life with my ex is what I thought the future would be for so long that it's hard to just forget about it forever. I have moments where all I want to do is go and try one more time.

On the other hand, though, I don't want to do that and then lose my best friend AND new boyfriend. He's always said that he loves me and he'll be there for me no matter what, even if I chose to be with my ex, and I believe he means it, but it would obviously be hard given the feelings.


kayla.

sorry for annoying you with my frienship.
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
DanceCommander Offline
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Re: Conflicting Emotions. Long but please help. - January 12th 2009, 04:57 PM

Okay, it might be of help to think about things clearly instead of getting caught up in the mixed emotions themselves, because that is not helping you. Yes, your ex was your first love and yes you had a long and strong relationship with him. However he hurt you badly, and you mentioned that break up was not the first time he hurt you. This indicates a pattern of pain for you.

You have met a new guy, who is great to you and has not hurt you, you just don't have quite as much history romantically yet, but you have more as friends than you did with your ex. You aren't over your ex, though, and that can cause problems.

There is generally a really good reason why its extremely important to recover from an ex as much as possible before entering another relationship, although it's not always a simple thing to do (esp. if there is a great deal of history). I would normally say it's best to be on your own for a while longer to think about things, but since you are already in a relationship it changes circumstances.

I would venture to say the reason you miss the ex so much is because you remember the good things about him. Deep down, there is a good chance you envision, or at least unconsciously hope, that you could be with him again because he is COMFORTABLE for you. He's like a broken in pair of shoes, a safety net, because of the fact he was your first and you were together so long. This makes it easy to overlook the fact that those shoes, so to speak, had been hurting your feet. To overlook the fact he's hurt you, and probably changed. He's most likely not the same guy, and thats why its really an illusion that you can happily be together.

Perhaps you could work more on turning your feelings to this new guy. If you haven't already, explain things to him and ask for his patience and help in supporting you through this (make sure he knows you aren't using him as a rebound). Yes, you will have to see your ex at the wedding, but with the help of your new guy and some close friends you can dissociate your feelings from the past from the present and work on building a newer relationship with your ex of a much different nature. In time, with work, things will begin to fade away. Just be sure to stay strong in yourself and look ahead to your future, not your past.
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