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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 05:20 AM

Hi Everyone,

It's a privilege to finally have questions about relationships that I can ask here xD

Anyway, I met a guy online the other day and we like each other quite a bit. Problem is, he's at the other end of the state (I think it's like a 10 hour drive, minimum, and I can't drive yet anyway).

It's too early to commit to anything, and I'd want to meet up in person, but I'm wondering if a LDR could really work in the longterm. Like, I don't think we'd necessarily be making plans to eventually live near each other. He's expressed interest in moving away from his current area, but he's not sure where...it could be closer to me, or it could be in another state entirely.

He knows I have reservations about doing long-distance, and he shares them. I'm not willing right now to entirely count out the possibility, though. This would also be the first serious relationship for the both of us if we were to pursue it.

Thoughts?


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 10:26 AM

Hey There,
Firstly well-done meeting a guy, told ya so
So in my view LDRs can work for some time. I know some people who lasted a few months (nearly a year) and were happy. They made times to meet etc. So it is certainly do-able. Now, if you mean you guys can't meet at all, and it's going to be LDR for a really really long time, then I doubt it will work sorry. Simply because rather than a relationship (in the romantic sense), it will become like a friend based relationship.
So essentially, I want to say LDRs are possible, but only for some time, and they need heaps of effort. If those are met I think it will work.
Best of luck.


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 06:19 PM

So on the two ends of this:

First, LDRs can totally work in the long run. I've been in one for 3 and a half years. And I have a lot more I can share about that, and how I've been making this work and all of that if you are curious, just PM me or I can post more. Whichever, just let me know if that would be helpful at all to hear about.

But for you. You are being correct, don't rush into it yet if you don't feel it is the right thing at the moment. Give it more time to talk, try and make a plan to meet once before you commit to anything. Those are some great stepping stones. But seriously one of the most important things is to just talk everything out, figure out where you both stand about this. Become friends, and if it becomes more? Don't rule anything out just yet, just look at where the options lay.

I find one of the best things about the beginning of a LDR is the chance to really get to know someone and talk.


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 06:43 PM

Hey there,

The short answer is that LDR's can work out, long term. There are definitely a number of factors that contribute to the success of a long term relationship that is LD. Since I haven't been in one I cannot give you a lot of advice but I know that there are a few articles that have been written about LDR's so you might want to check them out if you two decide to move forward.

I do think that being able to see one another once in a while is definitely something that can help BUT there are ways to kind of 'compensate' for the lack of time together. I know a lot of people will skype/facetime with their partners.

That being said, I do believe that taking things slow is the best thing to do. Maybe you could write a list of 'pros and cons'. I wouldn't over think it because, at least for me, when I overthink things I end up talking myself out of doing something. I think that meeting up with the person would be a good idea and it could help you determine if you want to continue exploring this relationship. There is nothing wrong with taking your time in regards to determining what is best for you. If this person respects you he should be pretty understanding and it is likely that he'd even want you to take a bit of time to figure this out.

Best regards.


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 06:46 PM

If you have an option of meeting at least semi-regularily, it can work.

Otherwise it's very unlikely it'll last.


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 08:17 PM

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Originally Posted by Clarent View Post
If you have an option of meeting at least semi-regularily, it can work.

Otherwise it's very unlikely it'll last.


I think that this is dependent on a lot of things. I agree that being able to meet up with some regularity can be helpful but there are people who are unable too and are still able to make it work. Also, the couple has to be the one to decide what meeting up regularly means. For example, some couples who are in LDR's are only able to meet up during the summer/winter holiday. To a lot of couples, that can be too irregular and can cause issues but to others it can be regular enough.

There are a ton of factors involved and only the op and the person they are talking to are going to be able to determine if certain things are going to be too hard to get past.

For me, I don't know how well I would do if I weren't able to see the person I was with, semi-regularly, but I know that other people feel differently and I know other people have made it work.

(Just adding this because I think OP needs to know that this is something that he and the person he is talking to will need to work through/discuss and figure out)


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 08:26 PM

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Originally Posted by ~Abibliophobe~ View Post
I think that this is dependent on a lot of things. I agree that being able to meet up with some regularity can be helpful but there are people who are unable too and are still able to make it work. Also, the couple has to be the one to decide what meeting up regularly means. For example, some couples who are in LDR's are only able to meet up during the summer/winter holiday. To a lot of couples, that can be too irregular and can cause issues but to others it can be regular enough.

There are a ton of factors involved and only the op and the person they are talking to are going to be able to determine if certain things are going to be too hard to get past.

For me, I don't know how well I would do if I weren't able to see the person I was with, semi-regularly, but I know that other people feel differently and I know other people have made it work.

(Just adding this because I think OP needs to know that this is something that he and the person he is talking to will need to work through/discuss and figure out) [/color][/size][/font]

No, that's just how those things go. I say that having experienced at least 3 LDR's, all of which have ended the same, with exactly same progress curve and exact same finale.

You HAVE TO be able to meet with the person. Either having an option of periodically seeing them, or knowing you'll be able to connect permamently after some period of time - but in the latter, it's important to be able to more or less precisely pin-point when and how you'll get there.

You need to have some sort of a vision of how to progress an LDR. How to turn it into a full-blown relationship when you and your partner can see each other and interact physically. LDR's are simply too emotionally draining otherwise, and aren't viable.

(And to anybody coming here to say WELL ACTUALLY, I MANAGED AN LDR LIKE THAT - you're an exception. I'm happy for you, but those things happen VERY rarely, and sadly can't be counted on).


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 30th 2017, 09:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clarent View Post
No, that's just how those things go. I say that having experienced at least 3 LDR's, all of which have ended the same, with exactly same progress curve and exact same finale.

You HAVE TO be able to meet with the person. Either having an option of periodically seeing them, or knowing you'll be able to connect permamently after some period of time - but in the latter, it's important to be able to more or less precisely pin-point when and how you'll get there.

You need to have some sort of a vision of how to progress an LDR. How to turn it into a full-blown relationship when you and your partner can see each other and interact physically. LDR's are simply too emotionally draining otherwise, and aren't viable.

(And to anybody coming here to say WELL ACTUALLY, I MANAGED AN LDR LIKE THAT - you're an exception. I'm happy for you, but those things happen VERY rarely, and sadly can't be counted on).
You do have to have a long term goal of some kind but that long term goal IS going to be different for every single person who is entering into the relationship which is why I stated that it's up to OP and the person they are talking to to determine what will work best for them.

There are so many variables and since we do not know OP's situation or the situation of the person OP is talking to it is up to them to decide what they need to make it work and if they are willing to try and make it work.

Meeting semi-regularly is also something that will be completely different for each couple, as I stated. I was not saying that they don't have to meet. I was stating that there are going to be different interpretations of what meeting 'semi-regular' means for each couple. Some people do need to meet a lot more than others and some people can actually do quite well meeting less. Some people are also able to do well with meeting less if they have a goal to move closer after a certain period etc.

There do need to be goals and a lot of communication but only OP can determine what those goals are and how to best communicate with the person about that. It is definitely important for OP to consider what they will need and what, exactly, meeting semi-regularly will mean for them and IF they can compromise and make things work etc especially if the potential partner has a different idea of what meeting 'semi-regular' means. They have to have open communication and figure out if they can make things work for each person involved. No two relationships are the same and no two people are the same. So what is necessary for one couple isn't going to be exactly the same for another.

Like I said, I don't think I could make an LDR work if I wasn't able to meet up a decent amount such as once a month but I do know other people are different.


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 31st 2017, 05:44 AM

Hey everyone!

Thank you so much for your replies.

He and I were talking late last night, well after I posted this, and he says he doesn't think he could do long-distance forever, even though we'd be periodically meeting up.

We've been really open about this and actually planned how we want to proceed from here.

1. In the interim, we're going to keep talking regularly (hoping for texting almost every day and calling when possible). Basically we're treating each other as friends. We can still see other people if we want to, although he does not think he'll find anyone more appealing, and I believe I can say the same.

2. We'll plan to meet up within about six months from now (sooner would be best but we can only do what's possible financially and logistically). If that spark is still there in person, we can officially be a couple. (If not, I presume we'll stay good friends.)

3. He mentioned, like I said, that he wouldn't want to stay long-distance for good. So, if we end up dating and it goes well, he might consider moving to the bay area to be near to me (awwww!). It so happens he wants to move out of his parents' place anyway, and he has some connections here so it could be easier than other places. Also better than going out of state in case he wants to go to school somewhere.

So...I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I really hope this works out for the best!


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Re: Long Distance in the Long Term? - December 31st 2017, 10:36 PM

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Hey everyone!

Thank you so much for your replies.

He and I were talking late last night, well after I posted this, and he says he doesn't think he could do long-distance forever, even though we'd be periodically meeting up.

We've been really open about this and actually planned how we want to proceed from here.

1. In the interim, we're going to keep talking regularly (hoping for texting almost every day and calling when possible). Basically we're treating each other as friends. We can still see other people if we want to, although he does not think he'll find anyone more appealing, and I believe I can say the same.

2. We'll plan to meet up within about six months from now (sooner would be best but we can only do what's possible financially and logistically). If that spark is still there in person, we can officially be a couple. (If not, I presume we'll stay good friends.)

3. He mentioned, like I said, that he wouldn't want to stay long-distance for good. So, if we end up dating and it goes well, he might consider moving to the bay area to be near to me (awwww!). It so happens he wants to move out of his parents' place anyway, and he has some connections here so it could be easier than other places. Also better than going out of state in case he wants to go to school somewhere.

So...I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I really hope this works out for the best!

Hey Chris,

I am glad that the two of you have been so open about this. That is definitely a great way to work through this and to grow as friend's or more.

I think the plan you two have come up with sounds great. I know I might sound silly in saying this but I actually formed a stronger connection with my boyfriend because we took things a lot slower than other people I talked to wanted. We weren't dealing with long distance so the time it took for us to meet up wasn't quite a long as six months but it was still a lot longer than others wanted to wait. So, I hope that you and this guy might experience the same growth.

I truly hope that things work out for you in some way.

If you need anything please feel free to message me or make another thread!


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