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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
DanceCommander Offline
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He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 05:48 PM

For the most part, I like everything about my boyfriend. There are a couple of things that bother me though. One of the main issues is that is CONSTANTLY late and postponing our dates. (He lives an hour away) He'll say he will be out here at four or five and he gets out here at eight. It seems something often comes up, either work or selling his car or something else. In fact, right now I have been waiting over an hour from when he said to get on messenger for him to get online to tell me the plan for today. And well, it's quite frustrating.

Punctuality is very important to me. I see it as a form of respect, respecting my time. I don't like sitting here and waiting for him, but it's almost as if I have no other choice if I want to see him. He doesn't think it's a problem as long as he gets out here to see me. I think it's a big problem, and he kind of shrugs it off as something small. How do I convey how important this is to me? I have tried telling him like this before (clearly and precisely) and he didn't understand or didn't care.


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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
stina Offline
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 09:12 PM

Some people just lack a sense of time. My best friend is the same way. She will say she is coming at 8pm, and doesn't get to my house till 10pm. It seriously frustrated me till no end.

I agree that it is a sign of respect.

I eventually lashed out on her --- told her I can't just wait around till you feel ready to hang out. Cause I will make other plans that same night.

You need to tell him how you feel before it builds up, and you just freak out at him! He should be understanding about it. If he isn't, and it all revolves around him- sounds like he is wanting a one sided relationship, cause I bet he expects you to be punctual.

You could always make him see how it feels and 'run several hours late' yourself on a few occasions.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 09:57 PM

I don't usually think ultimatums are the best idea... but, if you've explained things to him and it's still not getting through then maybe next time he's running late tell him to be there on time or don't be there at all.

My boyfriend had a bad habit of oversleeping (but intentionally, he didn't set an alarm or even try to be up on time) or getting to into his video games and losing track of time. One weekend when we had a bad snowstorm and I couldnt make it to his house on Friday, he said he'd make a trip to see me on Sunday once the streets were cleared. Now I didn't stay up late on Sundays because I was working a 8-5 job, so when I didn't hear from him until going on 4 o'clock I was super angry. We were used to spending the whole weekend together and he doesn't even show up until 5:30 on sunday(he had an hour drive and left half hour later)?! I told him get his butt over or don't come at all. We got into a pretty heated argument, but he was never late again and pretty much got the point.

Just be cautious how you put it, but make sure he knows you mean business.
   
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 10:02 PM

This case sounds familiar to me.
My boyfriend would always be late to everything, it wasn't even funny. We would go to the movies and he would arrive 30mins late and I would always end up explaining that was going on. To dinner, to everything he was always late.
How did a fix it?
Easy.
Everytime he was late there would be not kisses or no hugs. No contact of any kind for that date. after a week he never got late again to anything.


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  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 10:07 PM

Punctuality being a form of respect... I never thought about it that way, but I think I agree with you. It's a powerful definition. Therefore, I think you should unveil that precise wording to your boyfriend (gently, of course). Persuade him that he should put an effort into being on time by telling him that being so late is disrespectful to you. That is the best way to give him the capability to understand your feelings.

Try giving him your definition of the concept of punctuality.


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  (#6 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 10:14 PM

It is a form of respect to show up when a person says they're going to. I guess instead of lashing out on him you could give him a dose of his own medicine. Let him pick the time for a date, then be an hour or so late. I know it will probably drive you crazy since you are punctual, but hopefully after a few times he'll get the message. Good luck
   
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 1st 2009, 10:29 PM

My ex was once three hours late to my birthday celebration because he went to his friends house, he 'thought he had enough time to get back'. He was late a lot, but that one hurt.
I talked to him about it in the end, and he saw how much he upset me. He decided that if we agreed to meet up at like 5pm he would aim to be there for 4pm, that way all the 'little delays' would still not make him late, it was his idea. And it pretty much worked. Good luck!!


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  (#8 (permalink)) Old
Gaia Offline
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 2nd 2009, 09:13 AM

Explain to him that the sooner he gets out to yours the longer you can spend with each other, and perhaps suggest a 'if you don't make it out by *insert time* just don't bother'.
I do this myself, sometimes I'm out with family, and say to my partner that I might be able to swing round after, but if its later than 9, I'm not gonna cause there's not much point.
Perhaps it will shock him into seeing how serious you are about time management. Also, throw in how ridiculously rude it is of him to keep you waiting, because it is, and it shows a lack of respect.


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Last edited by Gaia; June 5th 2009 at 08:42 AM.
   
  (#9 (permalink)) Old
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Re: He is perpetually late - June 5th 2009, 01:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by ghostlyheartbeat View Post
Explain to him that the sooner he gets out to yours the longer you can spend with each other, and perhaps suggest a 'if you don't make it out by *insert time* just don't bother'.
I do this myself, sometimes I'm out with family, and say to my partner that I might be able to swing round after, but if its later than 9, I'm not gonna cause there's not much point.
Perhaps it will shock him into seeing how serious you are about time management. Also, through in how ridiculously rude it is of him to keep you waiting, because it is, and it shows a lack of respect.

Completely what I would have said.
Make sure to stress how much it bothers you.
I hope everything works out!
xx




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