Well, he cheated. Please read.

[Nova]

So I just posted last night, being upset that I had discovered, through snooping that was wrong on my part) my boyfriend was talking to his ex about our sex life and wishing it was better.

The thread can be found here.

I almost wish that was my problem right now.

I really wish. Instead the worst thing imaginable happened.

Upset, I had called my friend and she wanted to know what was said, so I launched his texts online again and realized many of them had been deleted. So when I found them in the trash can I also found some disturbing texts from a girl I have never even heard of.

I've confronted him about these sexual-content messages that made it sound to me like he had been hooking up with her. I felt like I wanted to vomit. I still do.

He eventually confessed that he slept with her after he broke up with his ex but insists that he has never slept with her while being in a relationship with me. He confessed everything else about why he sent those messages, but refuses to tell me a "lie" that he didn't cheat on me. Though, I still consider (and he agrees) that the messages themselves were enough to constitute as cheating.

I don't know if I can believe that he never did anything. He says he just has these urges to talk dirty and he always feels bad after and he just does them to get them out of his system and this apparently started a downward spiral that ended the relationship with his ex because he did it when he was with her too.

Basically after it's all said and done, I feel as though, IF he's telling the truth. He has some sort of problem. He either has to be silent or extreme in his sexual outlet and doesn't want to expose me to what he's ashamed of. He never meant for me to find out (which doesn't give him an excuse at all) and that he wants to stop, but he has been unable to resist these urges to do this.

The worst part is that these messages are so illicit and he sent them while I was driving him back to the city where we live from my hometown after making the Thanksgiving rounds with his family and mine. I thought it was the perfect weekend. And while I'm driving for hours to get us back home, he's doing this. I can't understand. I want to. But I can't.

He keeps telling me that he doesn't want to lose me over this and that he'll do anything to change and wishes he could do something so that I'll believe that he's telling the truth about him never actually meeting with her. And that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him (and I kind of am, because I push him to be better and help him with so much. I feel so used in that regard) and that he hates himself for what he's done to me.

I just don't know what to believe. I love him so much. But people who love you don't do this to you. But I still love him. I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go. I don't want to be one of those girls who has that little self respect that she goes crawling back to a cheating man. But I don't want to be without him.

He was supposed to move in with me. It was his idea. I just don't understand why this is happening to me.

I know most of you will say just let him go because I deserve better. But... part of me wants to help him through this. It's clearly a problem. He's admitted he has a problem. He has even said he is willing to get some help for it. I just love him. Despite how much he's hurt me. I want who I thought I was with back. So bad.

/bawling

Thanks for reading. Your support means so much.

[PSY]

Perhaps the two of you could take a "break" while he gets help for his inappropriate sexual behavior. That way, you can continue to support him, but also distance yourself in case he fails to improve/earn back your trust. Definitely do NOT move in together until you've both worked through this problem. I don't think you would be a weak person for "crawling back" to him... but I don't think it would be smart to gloss over this problem. Not that you would, obviously... but you know what I mean. You love him, so it's understandable that you would want to try and work things out. That doesn't mean you have low self-esteem... it just means you care about him, and don't want to give up without a fight.

PM me anytime if you want to talk. <3

[WillO'Wisp]

If you don't feel you can trust him then maybe it's best you don't stay in a relationship with him. It sounds like he does need a little help with this, so if he's willing to get it and to change for you that shows he really does love you, but perhaps like Robin said, you two should take a break while he fixes this thing.

[how.we.operate.]

Hey hugs
I agree with maybe taking a break. At this point, both you and him have something to work out-he has the issue of dirty texting to other girls, you should work on not snooping as much.
You two need to trust each other, but if you keep snooping and he keeps things to himself, the fights will just go in a circle. I think that you should ask him to work on not texting that other girl/keeping certain things out of the conversation with his ex and that you will work on less snooping.
It seems like you really care about him as does he for you, so definitely try to work things out. The best way to do this is to talk, I know some people tend to get into arguments easily, but try to avoid arguments. Let him know that you aren't sure what to do and what you would like to work on.
As for moving in, don't do this yet. It is crucial to work this out before you consider moving in together.

[Nova]

So we talked for 5 hours over Skype last night. That way I could see his face and be more equipped to sense his honesty.

He says he's going to be completely transparent with me now. I've vocalized my feelings and told him whatever happens, I just want to know about it. If he relapses, while YES, I'll be hurt. I can't help him if he lies to me about it. Already he's started to open up a bit.

I reread some of the messages (even though they're painful) and it does seem like he may be telling me the truth that he never actually hooked up with her. It was all planning that never seemed to actually happen. And were, indeed, cheap thrills. I still can't figure out why he did this. Even though he knew what would happen if he found out. Part of me does not want to give him a second chance. It kills me that he's only desperate to change and swears to reform after he got caught. Honestly, if I had known about the problem and he told me about it after it had happened a few times, I'd be way less hurt and much more prepared to move on from there. I may have been mad for a while, but the fact he'd come clean would mean much more to me. So it upsets me that it had to come to this.

I just care about him a lot. I want to believe he can change. I want to help him. And so I have offered him a second chance. Naturally, I will be distancing myself a little bit because it's going to be difficult to go back to normal. I don't know how to rebuilt trust from scratch. I don't even know where to start.

I'm not sure how I can go about helping him help himself. So if anyone has any suggestions about that, please share. We talked briefly about therapy but I'm don't really know much about it and I don't know if it'd help him. Would he go to a general therapist or a specialized one? I'm thinking he definitely needs a better and more acceptable outlet for these urges but I'm not sure what exactly that would be either.

Again, thanks for the continued support. I don't know what I'd do without all of you.

[PSY]

I feel like therapy is appropriate in this situation. If neither of you really knows where to start or how to combat this problem, then talking to a professional who has had exposure to problems like these can help. I would suggest seeing a couples therapist... that way, your boyfriend has the option of setting up one-on-one sessions AND letting you participate in other sessions. A general therapist would probably be fine as well, but talk to him/her beforehand in order to determine whether or not s/he has ever dealt with cases similar to yours. After a few sessions, the therapist may decide your boyfriend would be better off with a specialist... but since this doesn't really seem to be an addiction or compulsion (just bad decisions on his part), I doubt a specialist would be necessary.

[Age of Ignorance]

I'm not actually sure what kind of therapy could be provided to aid something like this? I believe there's a gray area between inappropriate and appropriate in this situation. If he's being completely honest and truthful, why would he need a therapist when he could just talk to you? That way, he opens up to you more and you two can finally get back on track. At the same time, however, some information could be disclosed that actually forces him to take a negative step. In that case, therapy would help. One-on-one conversations about how things are going and what sort of situations he gets himself into (these conversations with a complete stranger who, whilst being a person, is forced to not let any judgement show through) will open him up and give him an avenue to step back and say to himself that what he has done is wrong.

That being said, I was in his position six months ago. I didn't see a therapist. I took a break from my girlfriend, flirted to my heart's content, and then decided that I didn't want to be with anyone else and went back to my girlfriend and told her that. Whilst this may not work for many people, it helped because I was able to see what I was missing out on. I'm not approving of this method, but it may eventually come to the point where you both need a break and you can both take the time to work out what you want.

[how.we.operate.]

I honestly don't think that he needs a therapist. This is something that can be worked out, but it needs attention. When he gets the urge, he should just tell you and talk to you. Since you are the reason that he is stopping, you should play a key part in helping him.
Also, a lot of us do that--when something goes wrong we are willing to change so that things around us don't have to change. My ex always was looking for what he could fix to make it better.

Personally, I think that you should not distance yourself from him. This is a time where you are telling him to stop, he probably needs your help. I know it is hard to "go back to normal", but well, technically you aren't going back to normal; you are working things out and starting from there.
Although it hurts to find out something like this, I don't think that you should be this critical about it. He is willing to change, meaning he really cares about you. Give him the second chance.
One thing you do need to do, is trust him. A relationship needs trust...so try not to go through his texts/messages. Give him a shot to prove to you that you don't need to worry about that kind of stuff.

[southern bell]

i hve boyfriends that have cheated on me, and even though its confusing now itll b ok... the heartbreak you might be feeling will go away, pm me when ever you wanna talk ok? i kno it hurts, but he sounds like he needs you, despite his actions...