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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
bellaandtristan Offline
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my parents vs. my boyfriend - February 11th 2011, 11:14 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

My story is a long one, and I'll try to sum it up in as many words as possible. But summing up events that have been occurring for 6 months is hard to do. But I'll do my best. And, thank you for listening... I'm 16. But my parents and I haven't exactly been getting along since i was 13, well, since I started high school. Last September I met a boy (we'll call him Cody) and we became really good friends. I had no interested in dating him, because I knew the kind of guy he was like. He was that guy that drank every weekend, smoked weed at lunch, had been with NUMEROUS girls, and would never stay in a relationship for more than 2 weeks max. But eventually, he kind of grew on me. I didn't dare tell my parents about his existence because I knew they probably wouldn't even let us be friends. My parents are what you would call very...clean? They don't drink, smoke, no tattoos, and they are VERY big on physical appearance. There is also a rule in my family that we aren't allowed to date until we turned 16. However, about a month before I turned 16, Cody and I began dating. After only two weeks, my parents found out. They set up a "meeting" with me, Cody, and his parents. Basically, my parents told Cody we weren't ever allowed to speak again. But being in a few classes together, that didn't exactly work out for us. Two weeks later (two weeks until my 16th birthday) we began dating again. This time we kept it very quiet. We told very few people, only saw eachother at school, and only talked on the phone when my parents weren't around. Once I had turned 16 (November), I asked my dads permission to be allowed to date Cody. Of course, they said no. That still didn't stop us. Only having been dating for a month, I could feel myself falling for him. But I didn't dare tell him how I felt because I didn't want to scare him off. So of course, I didn't understand why he was wasting his time sticking around for someone that it was so hard to be with. Like I said, he was the kind of guy that would "get what he wanted" then would leave. I felt like I could trust him with so many things. I had my first love (we’ll call him Daniel) when I was 13...blah blah blah, you get the point. The guy ended up being a total douche bag. That was no secret. But in the midst of THAT rocky relationship, there was something that I hadn't shared with anybody. When Daniel and I were dating, I had snuck out one night to go see him. He lived close so it didnt take long to get there. His cousin was staying the night at his house so he let me in through the basement window. His cousin said he'd go get Daniel, who was upstairs. But when he went towards the stairs, he locked the door leading upstairs. He covered my eyes and my mouth and he raped me. Then he kicked me out the window, and told Daniel that I never showed up. Daniel broke up with me because I “didn’t show up” that night. I had never told anyone that. But I really felt like I could trust Cody, so I told him. Mind you, this happened years ago, and the cousin had moved out of state since then. Cody was angry that someone had hurt me like that, but he was understanding that I didn't want him to share it with him. So he didn't. Something I didn't say before, I have always had a hard time with people touching me. Even just hugging was hard for me. Cody never understood that until I told him that story. Me and him weren't serious in that way at all. We had barely even kissed. He wasn't pressuring me in any way. Which I guess you could call "odd" because he was the "player" of the school. Anyways, my parents found out we were dating around the beginning of December. It was like hell had frozen over in my household. My mom texted Cody and told him we were FORBIDDEN to speak to eachother. He replied to her saying "Maybe not today, maybe not next year, but someday I'm going to marry your daughter. I'm completely in love with her." This took me by complete surprise because he had never even told ME that he loved me. So the fact that he would stand up to my mother like that and tell her something so serious, it completely shocked me...and melted my heart. Cody had changed so much, since I met him. He stopped drinking, stopped smoking, got a job, stopped skipping school, got his grades up. Hes worked so hard. Still, my parents refused to let us be together. My parents pulled me out of school, so it became even harder for Cody and I. On new years eve, (we hadnt seen eachother in a month) my parents left state and I was gonig to be staying with my sister who lived just down the street. I was able to spend a few hours home alone that day, so I called Cody and asked him to come over. He came over, and that was the first time we had had sex. In fact, that was the first time I had let anybody touch me like that since I was raped. Afterwards, we fell asleep and woke to my brother in law screaming at us. He told Cody to get out. That was the last day I saw him. My brother in law told my sister, who told my parents. The past two months have been harder than I can explain. Im not allowed to sleep in my own room, my mom has taken over my email accounts, and I have no communication devices. The only computer I have is at work. Cody have been together for about 6 months now, but we still havent seen eachother since new years eve. I find ways to call him maybe once a week if I'm lucky. At this point, I don't know where to go from here. I am forbidden to speak to any of my friends, so i havent seen or heard from them in almost 2 and a half months. Where do I go from here? I feel completely lost. I've heard many times "Maybe you should just take time away from Cody". The problem with that is that I'd be losing not just a boyfriend, but my best friend.
   
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Re: my parents vs. my boyfriend - February 11th 2011, 11:24 PM

Sounds pretty rough. But, while your parents are taking it a little too far, you need to respect their decision. Your only 16 years old, and you still live under their roof and their rules.
I know it's hard not seeing your boyfriend and all that, I know what that's like, first hand. But, thing is, your parents have the say so since your a minor. Doing anything outside of their rules may get you kicked out of your home.
If you want to do something about it, you could save up money and look into getting emancipated from your parents (which means, they will no longer be your guardians, and you will legally be able to make your own rules and such).
The only thing is, you'll need to save up LOTS of money. Not only are lawyers expensive, but so is finding a place to live, especially a place to live that will allow a 16 year old to live on her own.
There are plenty of options but always think about what your parents have said.











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Re: my parents vs. my boyfriend - February 12th 2011, 03:42 AM

I'm so sorry your parents are behaving this way.
It sounds like this guy genuinely cares about you and him changing so much since he's been with you proves he is serious about this relationship. I just wish you could make your parents see that.
Go back to the guy who raped you...even if he moved out of the state, didn't you try to tell Daniel or his family? Couldn't you have called the Police? When someone does something like that to you you should contact the authorities immidiately and have him arrested!
As for this boyfriend thing, you may have to wait until you are 18. You will be legal then, so you can see whoever you want and date whoever you want. Your parents don't seem to listen to you, so is there any friends or any other family members around who can help you and take you in for a couple years? Is there somewhere else you can live and get away from your parents for awhile?
   
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Re: my parents vs. my boyfriend - February 12th 2011, 04:17 PM

You don't need a lawyer to get emancipated, the state should be able to provide one. But I don't think this is grounds for emancipation. Your parents are trying to protect you, not harm you. It may feel shitty now, but when you're 18 you'll be free to do whatever you want. If Cody really loves you, he'll see you whenever you can manage to find a way and otherwise he'll wait for you. It's going to be hard, but if it's what you both really want then it's worth sticking it out.
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Re: my parents vs. my boyfriend - February 14th 2011, 09:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Nocturnal~Symphony* View Post
I'm so sorry your parents are behaving this way.
It sounds like this guy genuinely cares about you and him changing so much since he's been with you proves he is serious about this relationship. I just wish you could make your parents see that.
Go back to the guy who raped you...even if he moved out of the state, didn't you try to tell Daniel or his family? Couldn't you have called the Police? When someone does something like that to you you should contact the authorities immidiately and have him arrested!
As for this boyfriend thing, you may have to wait until you are 18. You will be legal then, so you can see whoever you want and date whoever you want. Your parents don't seem to listen to you, so is there any friends or any other family members around who can help you and take you in for a couple years? Is there somewhere else you can live and get away from your parents for awhile?
I didn't want to tell Daniel or his family, or anyone for that matter. I just wanted the cousin to disappear. Which was really hard because at the time me and the cousin had some classes together. He apologized like 6 months later, right before he moved. My parents have forbidden me to talk to my best friend. Or any friends for that matter. As for Cody, he leaves in December for basic training. Everyone says that Cody won't come back for me after basic, but my best friend slipped me a message "under the radar" and told me that when she talked to him about if he was going to come back or not he said "Of course I'm coming back, I have to rescue her. And I'm not leaving again without her." I guess that made me feel really good. He's told me many times that he's not going to give up on us, because if he wanted to give up, he would've done that months ago when things started getting tough.
   
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