Hate My Boyfriends Posters of Girls!

[Sounobvious]

So I hate my boyfriends posters of girls making out in lingerie and in slutty poses on my boyfriends wall and I've told him how they make me feel but he won't take them down. He thinks I'm trying to control him and basically says he won't change for me. The posters were there before me and therefore they're staying.

Basically I don't like them because they make me feel inferior..because well...they're all these perfect models and part of some male fantasy that I'll never live up to. Secondly, it makes me mad that guys all believe in this fake fantasy. I hate when guys just see girls as objects and I hate girls when they do the whole fake lesbian thing for attention. Guys don't even respect girls like that anyway. It just makes me mad because I'm a genuine person and I want to be with another genuine person who doesn't buy into all of that and my boyfriend won't even acknowledge how I feel. He tells me I'm being immature for getting mad over a piece of paper on his wall.

Advice from girls? Maybe even guys..I'd like to get some perspective.

[PSY]

If it bothers you this much, and he's not willing to see things from your point-of-view, leave him. Trust me, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why waste your time with someone you don't feel is "genuine" if you want someone who is "genuine"?

An alternative you might be willing to consider is asking him to move the posters to another room - one that you don't spend as much time in. That way, he can still enjoy his "fantasy", but you won't have to see those posters every time you come over.

In all honesty, though, I'm not sure it's worth compromising with this guy. I've read your other post, and it sounds like you guys are going to keep butting heads when it comes to sex/sexuality. Every couple has its disagreements, but if this is going to be a constant source of grief for you, why would you continue to torment yourself?

[Sounobvious]

Yes, that's what I worry about. I don't want to keep getting in arguments, I hate fighting with him. It just sucks when you love so much about a person and than you disagree in just one way that causes you to fight a lot. When we aren't fighting, I literally think I could marry this person and then when we fight I just feel like I weren't alive. I'm not sure there is such thing as being perfectly compatible with a person at this point... It's slightly depressing.

[Jaguar]

He's got a lot of growing up to do. Part of a relationship is being considerate of your partner. If he's not willing to do that I would seriously consider taking a break from this one.

[PSY]

It was just five months ago when I was saying the exact same thing:

"I'll never find someone who is compatible in every way."
"It's okay to settle for someone who makes me happy most of the time, because that's the best I can expect."
And my personal favorite:
"No one will ever love me like my ex did, so I should be grateful for even having this guy."

Well, the first statement is true, because we're ALWAYS going to disagree about SOMETHING with EVERYONE we get to know on a personal level (not just boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives, but friends as well)! The other two statements are COMPLETELY WRONG, though. Look, you're way too young to settle for someone. You've got plenty of time to meet mature men who can satisfy you in every way imaginable. You WILL find "the one"... but not if you give up and stick with this guy.

Be strong, and think long-term. He may seem like marriage material at times, but do you really want to tie yourself to a man who's going to keep harassing you about sex and putting his sexual desires before your own? How is marrying him going to make the situation any better? Answer: IT WON'T. The difference is that divorces are much messier than break-ups. Don't go down that road. Don't even THINK about it! You deserve someone who deserves you. =)

[Sincerely Yours ♥]

As others said, there's something wrong if he's not willing to put his posters away for you. It's not right if those posters make you feel uncomfortable.

[Guile]

On the other hand, it's not right for you to tell him how he should decorate his room. If it's that big of a deal, and you feel so insecure because a piece of paper on his wall, maybe you need to reevaluate your own self-esteem.

Sure, men like attractive women, it's how our minds work, people are hardwired to like a certain overall combination of features. If my girlfriend ogled over Taylor Lautner (That Twilight Werewolf dude), I wouldn't be bothered, I know I don't have an eight pack, and I know that she just finds him attractive, but isn't wanting to take him over myself.

[Harmony♥]

Originally Posted by Guile

On the other hand, it's not right for you to tell him how he should decorate his room. If it's that big of a deal, and you feel so insecure because a piece of paper on his wall, maybe you need to reevaluate your own self-esteem.

Sure, men like attractive women, it's how our minds work, people are hardwired to like a certain overall combination of features. If my girlfriend ogled over Taylor Lautner (That Twilight Werewolf dude), I wouldn't be bothered, I know I don't have an eight pack, and I know that she just finds him attractive, but isn't wanting to take him over myself.

I agree with this, for the most part. They're just girls on paper...nothing more. It's not like they're girls he could easily get with if the time came down to it. It's really not a big deal. My boyfriend has his computer wall paper as a bunch of naked chicks. Am I bothered by it? Not at all. I'm his girlfriend, not those girls. Whenever I see the picture, I just yell out "Boobies" and he laughs.

[Proud90sKid]

well, he shouldnt have to change for you, its a relationship, which means u like him the way he is. he shouldnt have to change. they are just posters. would u rather him have pictures of u naked on the wall for everyone to see? didnt think so

[Acheron]

Originally Posted by Sounobvious

He thinks I'm trying to control him

You are.

Thing is, your objection to the pictures he has speaks to all kinds of insecurities, and they won't just go away if he takes them down. And unless you like dating gay guys or asexuals, you won't find one that doesn't "buy into" looking at attractive girls. Either accept that he likes you for who you are, or leave and let him find someone who doesn't flip out over trivia.

[JKmadu619]

I hate to say it, but I agree with Guile, Shannon and Acheron here. There isn't really a huge problem. It doesn't make him "believe in fantasy" anymore than mentioning to your friends how amazing so and so the movie actor's six-pack is. Does that mean you actually believe everyone should look like so and so the movie actor? No. Give him credit, he is not a child and can likely seperate fact from fantasy, and real people from plastic model women. At the same time, unless you two are having sex three maybe four times a day, I don't think you should be jealous that he is fufilling his sexual urges other ways (be it looking at posters, or even porn.)

I hate to say it, but no prince charming exists who will not apreciate pictures of women other than you if you aren't around. I hate to say it, but it's true unless he is asexual. Dump him if this is a big deal to you, find another guy willing to hide the plain facts from you. The thing is, at least your boyfriend is honest to your.

At the same time, you shouldn't be stuck with someone if you disagree over many things, but this one issue seems trivial. And to be honest it seems like you want to be able to shout "change!" and somehow he makes a life-changing epithany. Maybe make a trade-off if it, like maybe he hates Jersery Shore, so you agree to give it up for him if he gives up the posters. You have to comprimise instead of just expecting everyone else to change for the better.

- Justin

[DanceCommander]

Your boyfriend isn't going to take those posters down, nor should he have to. See, the problem is you want them taken down because of your own insecurities. It's your issue that you feel "inferior" compared to those women; don't make it his problem. He does think you are attractive and wonderful because he is with you, and if you can't see that for yourself, no one is going to be able to make you. Basically, those posters reflect your own insecurities and that is why you hate them. Someone earlier told you you should leave him, but the thing is, that's not really going to fix the issue. If you leave him, you will still carry over that to the next relationship, when your guy admires posters of beautiful women or talks about them. And then where will you be? In addition, you can't really do anything about that fantasy thing. Fantasy though it may be, it's something a lot of guys are attracted to. There is a reason so much lesbian porn is online, and it's not really geared toward lesbians; it's geared toward straight men. There is nothing you can do about it. You can try and find a guy who isn't like that, but it's a bit of overkill if that needs to be in your criteria for a boyfriend. It severely limits your choices, and basically it all leads back to the same thing.

My advice? Learn to deal with those feelings of insecurity, and learn to validate yourself instead of relying on others to do so. It will help a lot with this issue, and you'll feel less miserable every time you see your boyfriend looking at a beautiful woman.

[PSY]

I appreciate what you guys are saying - I really do. I just wanted to add, however, that the OP is focusing on the POSTERS. I think there's a key difference between keeping porn on your computer, and placing pictures all over your bedroom walls (where you plan to have sex with your girlfriend). Yes, the OP may be insecure. Yes, she may need to adjust her expectations of men in general. Should she have to accept posters on her boyfriend's walls? Yes and no. Yes, because she can't change him... but no, because ultimately, I think a LOT of women would be upset by said posters. Again, there is a difference between having a folder full of porn on your computer, which you watch when your girlfriend isn't around (or when she wants to watch it with you), and having posters all over your walls, where she has no choice but to look at these sexually explicit images.

Most men watch porn. Not every man hangs it up on their walls, though, and many give up porn once they've found a woman who can completely satisfy them. It DOES happen, and if the OP wants to find a man who puts posters of scenery or rockstars or movies up on his walls vs. half-naked women, how can you say she's in the wrong? She's ONLY in the wrong if she tries to change her boyfriend's life around in order to satiate her own insecurities. If it's something she doesn't like, she's more than welcomed to find someone who doesn't participate in that sort of behavior.

I'm not trying to call anyone out with this post - I just feel like a lot of people are jumping to conclusions, assuming the OP is doing this because she's insecure about porn as a whole, vs. assuming she only has problems with the blatant display of sexual images.

To the OP - with all of that being said, I hope you will take some time to consider everything that has been said (both by me and the other members) and be honest with yourself. Are you projecting some of your insecurities onto this boyfriend? Will things change if you find someone else, or will you continue to struggle with issues of sex/sexuality as a whole? If you believe you may have a issue regarding that subject, I strongly urge you to find someone whom you can talk to, someone who can help you work through those insecurities, so that they will no longer affect your romantic relationships. If you haven't had problems in past relationships, though, and it's just this one guy who's making you feel inferior... then by all means, leave him, because that's the only way I can see you being happy again.

[dr2005]

Have to say I'm with Robin and Jaguar on this one - I'm a red-blooded young man with an eye for the ladies, but I don't see the problem with taking down what is effectively softcore pornography if your girlfriend has a problem with it. What someone does for their own gratification is their own business to some extent, but as has been said part of being in a relationship is being considerate for your partner's feelings. Putting these images straight in their face isn't particularly considerate. If anything, it smacks a little of insecurity on his part as well that it's such an issue - the "it's just posters" line works both ways, after all. Granted, some people are fine with these images and that's fair enough, but a lot of people aren't and for valid reasons rather than just insecurity. The types of images described go beyond just admiring attractive women as well - as I said, it sounds more like softcore porn - so I'm not sure some of the comparisons made above are valid, and as Robin says there are a fair few assumptions being made.

Anyway, to the OP: Robin's advice as usual is on the mark - take what has been said on board and see what conclusion you come to. If it is something you feel takes its root from insecurity rather than your boyfriend's actions per se, then you should look into speaking to someone about them so you can address them properly. If it is just your boyfriend being like this, on the other hand, then you have to consider whether you can work through this and if staying with him will make you happy. That's something only you can judge.

[bitesize]

I agree with what everyone's been saying ~ you can't really force him to change his room, because it IS his room, and he is a guy. If I were you I'd plaster my own walls with pictures of hot, ripped, naked men and then invite my boyfriend over.

[SemperExpectantes.]

Just sayin', I agree with Shannon, Acheron, Superstar, and Justin on this one.

But... In a way, I also agree with the other side.


I understand that they are his posters. That they're just pieces of paper on the walls. However, they also make the OP feel insecure -- they wouldn't me or any of you on the pro-Poster side, but there are different types of people in this world, and this one obviously doesn't like them. And shouldn't our goal in responding to the original post be to help Jenna in what she wants? Not just to make her feel guilty about wanting them down in the first place?


Jenna, I honestly think you should just press him a little harder about it, but at the same time, be sure to listen to his side, too. You can't just walk up to him and say: "I need you to take your posters down," without giving him an explanation or giving him a chance to explain himself to you. And if he explained them to you, wouldn't that make you feel just as good as if he took them down?

Just talk to him about them, and start with something like: "Why do you like those posters so much?" And try to be open-minded. If you still don't like the idea of them, be fully and completely honest. Tell him exactly how they make you feel, and if he says nothing to comfort you about them and still refuses to take them down, then you have another option, Jenna, and that is to leave him with the papers plastered on his wall instead of you.

[Ambiance]

Okay. Some of these say to leave him. Some of these say to get over you insecurities. We need to mesh these cleverly somehow.

Well, I was at a guy friend's house with his girlfriend once, and I noticed he actually has nude pictures of women up on his wall, and that his girlfriend would see those everytime they had sex. Or he could even be looking at them while they have sex. I thought, "Man that would bother me!" Yet, my love has a picture of Marilyn Monroe in his room, and it doesn't bother me. He actually would make jokes back in the day, because he knew it bothered me, and believe it or not, that's the best thing he could have done; because this resulted in me retaliating with comments about Johny Depp or celebrities I found attractive, and as a result, I look at other guys yet know it's meaningless. And I realized he didn't take the teasing seriously, and neither should I, because he genuinely does find me attractive and cease to look at other women most of the time. Having a few celebrity crushes is no big deal; I think a lot of men on television are hot, and my boyfriend's nowhere near as ripped as them, and I'm nowhere near as stacked as celebrity girls either. They're just eyeball meat, as long as you both keep up with yourselves and do find each other really attractive/AND love each other intensely and junk, just be happy.

However, what PSY said the second time around pretty much nailed it; it's not the problem that he HAS the pictures so much as that they're up, when he knows they bother you. And, yeah, you can't make him change. Is it a deep relationship? Have you been together for years? Or is it just infatuation? Evaluate how much you care about a relationship where in you have to put up with that; I think what you're saying is that you don't like what the pictures reflect about your boyfriend's views on things, and y'know what, if you dislike those views so intensely and want to find someone with more similar ones to your own, you are NOT in the wrong to do so. I could imagine several people who would do so. In my situation, I understand that there's other women my boyfriend finds hot; my limitations extent to him saying anything about people in real life. But I do know that he doesn't go out of his way to partake in pornography and that most of his sexual thoughts are about me; and if some of them aren't, he never brings it up, out of a respect which all men should have, in my opinion. Having pictures of hot girls on your wall makes it blatant that, "Hey, I jack off to other women that look like this," and plenty of women in the world would have a problem with it.

I don't know much about this guy. He could be really great or a real loser. If there are any OTHER signs that he's a loser, I would say dump him.