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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
EllieNielsen Offline
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Name: Elizabeth Nielsen
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What's wrong with me! - November 22nd 2011, 08:50 PM

Hey. This is kind of a long story so I'll bullet point it, but I need it off my chest and I need some advice.

  • I met my current boyfriend while he was with someone else, they lived together
  • When they broke up he asked me out and personally I think he rushed it
  • A couple months later I found messages from her on his phone, sex messages, asking to meet up, and he said he wanted one last time
  • A year later he wanted to get me a promise ring, I agreed
  • He lied to me that he gave her one. And that he himself wore one from her. I wouldn't have wanted a ring if I knew that before. I also found out by seeing an old photo which was upsetting, and when I found a wedding band in his bedside drawer he lied to me and tried to make me feel bad about it
  • I'm obsessed with her. I know i'm second choice and that she will always be first
  • His other girlfriends are so much better than me, pretty, thin. and happy. I drag him down
  • After 2 years he asked me to move in, I swore to myself I wouldnt since she lived with him (with his parents too) but I did. And it sucks. I still remember exactly what all those messages said and being in the house where she lived reminds me.
  • I still try to find her on facebook and look at her pictures. she still has some of him and her and it hurts.
I know that I can't blame him for having relationships in the past, it's not that. I understand since I've been in love before him. It's just that she came into our relationship. I just dont think that I mean anything to him since he's done all these things already with her. How do I know the promise ring means anything when he suddenly changed his mind with her? How do I know he actually cares about me and I'm not just a replacement. To me things like rings and moving in and saying i love you are huge things. but he treats them like nothing. He's so special to me and I'm just another girl to him. I can't talk to him because after nearly 3 years he won't take it anymore. He hates when I bring it up and he flips out when I get upset about her. He keeps asking me to wear the ring but it feels so wrong and I can't tell him because he'll freak out. I know that I'm being irrational and crazy jealous but I can't help it. I don't mean to keep thinking these things, it just happens. how can I stop it? How can I finally let her go. It's been years, what if I can't :S
   
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Re: What's wrong with me! - November 22nd 2011, 09:31 PM

Everything you told me are basic signs that HE does care.
I'm going to make comments to your bullet points, also in bullet points, in the order that you've given them.
  • This is incredibly difficult, since I can't say much about this. I, too, met my current boyfriend when he was seeing someone else and so was I. I don't have much to comment on, since I'd basically be contradicting myself and seeming like a hypocrite.
  • Personally, I think he rushed it as well. Since his relationship was long-term, and they lived together, he rushed into a relationship with you, basically making you the rebound chick. It's not fair for him, and it's most definitely not fair to you.
  • When you found these messages, you should have confronted him about it instead of just letting it go. Those messages were personal, but he was talking about sleeping with his ex-girlfriend, while he was with you. Again, definitely not fair to you, and it shouldn't have gone unnoticed.
  • A promise ring is definitely a sign that he DOES care about you, and that he does love you. My ex-boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings during our first Christmas together, which looked like simple sterling silver wedding bands. We both wore them, but now that we've broken up, I wear a promise ring on my left ring finger given to me by my boyfriend. It looks more like an engagement ring, but promise rings don't really mean anything. Promises CAN be broken.
  • By saying you wouldn't have accepted the ring had you known that they had exchanged them, basically seems like you're oblivious to his part relationships. He does have them, and while he may have acted the same way with you as his other girlfriends, everyone is unique, and so are relationships. Some things will be the same, while other aspects aren't. Not accepting the ring could have ruined the relationship, or made him think other things about you. Don't act like he's the first guy you've been with, and you're the first girl he's been with.
  • Stop being obsessed with her. The more you think you're second best, the more truth is going to be behind it.
  • You need to stop thinking like this. I can see why when you bring it up it pisses him off. A guy likes a girl with confidence, not who doesn't have any. You need to think of yourself as pretty, thin, and amazing just like you think his other ex-girlfriends are.
  • If you didn't feel like moving into his home where she had once lived, you should have suggested you move into your own place, or you don't move in at all. Simple as that.
  • Pictures are memories, and people aren't just going to throw out their memories. I still have several pictures of my ex because I like to go back and think about those days. Does it mean I love my boyfriend any less, or that I'm still in love with my ex? No. I just like to go back to the good days, when I was young and free and happy, as well. Having pictures doesn't mean anything.
Since talking is out of the question, I'm not sure what else to say. You need to stop acting like everything is so much better than you, when it's not true. After 3 years together, you're hardly a rebound. If you were, he wouldn't have asked to give you a promise ring, to move in with you or even give you 3 years of his life.











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Re: What's wrong with me! - November 22nd 2011, 09:34 PM

What you're essentially saying here is that your boyfriend's former relationship has become more important to you than your relationship with your boyfriend because you fear that that former relationship was more important to him. He has reinforced this thinking by the messages and such he exchanged with her. I think the concern itself is not unwarranted.

However, I also think you need to take a step back from your relationship to re-evaluate what you want from it and what is most important to you. If that means moving back home for a while or just spacing yourself for a while, do it. You've been with this guy for three years, and if a past relationship of his is still bothering you, something is wrong, whether the problem is his behavior or yours. After so much time, I can't really blame the guy for becoming tired of the topic.

Do you think you can ever overcome this? Are you happy? These kinds of things are questions you need to answer for yourself. Space helps a person think because sometimes we're just too close to the problem to see it clearly.

Also, please remember that the so-called quality (ie. beauty, happiness, etc.) of a person is all in the eyes of the beholder. I doubt your boyfriend would have stuck around for so long or had you move in with him if he thought you "dragged him down."

Ultimately, if you feel you cannot get past this issue, and you also think it comes between you and your happiness in your relationship, it is probably time to walk away.

I wish you the best of luck!




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