Long distance problem (very long message)

[Sonofalich404]

Hello, thanks for reading this, it is a really long one and I apologise for that but I couldn't leave out much.

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It was the year 2007 and my family had decided to go on to holiday. So we go on holiday and it was the greatest holiday I've ever had. I met this wonderful girl called Sophie.

Sophie was just amazing, I'm English and live in England and Sophie is American and lives in the US. But it didn't matter because we were on holiday together and me and her just had the best time together. I'd never met a single person like her before and to this day never have. She just to me was perfection and everything I could ever hope to find in a woman. It's safe to safe for me it was love at first sight. As soon as I met her I knew in my head... "That's the girl for me." She had a boyfriend at the time and although we hung out all the time, I never made a move on her because I felt like it would of cheated her... and wronged the situation. I wanted things to be perfect and never tainted by something of the past. She very recently admitted to me... she wished I had made a move on her as one night me and her slept together, not sex just in bed together and that night to this day is one of the best nights of my life.

I loved everything about her, wouldn't change a single thing apart from distance which is a staggering 6,000 miles.

Anyway... for the past 4 and a half years we've kept in contact and always been very fond of each other. Recently though we had been getting so very close once again... and started to talk to each other everyday for hours and hours on end because we both had Christmas holidays and it was so much easier. Talking over skype with webcams and the phone and just messages etc.

Anyway... we'd been talking and she tells me how she feels about me and I just well up and I'm so happy. This is what I've wanted to hear for years, and I tell her exactly how I feel and she seems so happy with it all.

Anyway a few days later I come onto the cam with her and I tell her. I feel so wrong and I feel so stupid for letting myself getting involved with this. Even though I cannot see her for real. She tells me, I shouldn't over complicate things and just go with it. I was seriously depressed at the time and said to her I didn't think we could ever work it out and I was so upset because I so wanted it to work out. Anyway she convinces me that I should forget about and just go with what ever it is me and her share and just leave it and continue talking and just keep it up and see where the road takes us.

So I thought yeah... she's right I'll just go with it and see where it takes us. And well everything has been really great up to tonight where she said to me.

"I just feel so gulity, I don't think I'm being fair to you and I don't think I deserve to hear all the kind things you say to me. You're far too great to be wasting your time on me and I'm just so scared that I'm going to hurt you one day and thats something I never want to do. I'm not saying we should change anything about our freindship/relationship/whatever we are. But I want to be honest with you and want you to know how I'm feeling."

I just thought she was being insecure so I sent her back a long message explaining to her, how none of that mattered to me. How every compliment I paid her was just myself stating the truth and I also said to her... it's exactly how I felt because I don't feel like I'm special or good enough for her... but she thinks I'm special and good enough for her. So I said that...and said that... even if you do hurt me, it's just worth the risk because of the way I feel for you.

I get no reply for a long time, but she signs on skype and says we can talk. This is where it got dreadful for me.

I'm not particularly an emotional guy when it comes to women, I can shrug them off but wow Soph sure knew how to break me into a 100 pieces, shattering anything I could of have ever dreamt of.

She tells me she dosn't think she can commit herself to me and doesn't want me getting hurt because her college schedule and my work schedule combined with an 8 hour time difference is torture and she said she didn't know if she would have time for me. With her own studies and job and my job and studies.

She said she just wanted to let me know and just be honest with me in order to protect me. But she also said... she just had a problem with relationships and commitments, she said that she got rid (6 months ago) of her ex boyfriend for the same exact reason of 2 years because she says she feels wrong... and there is something wrong with her and that no guy has been able to make her feel that way.

She says she feels differently about me though and that I'm the first guy in a long time to ever make her feel anything but she just doesn't think she can commit.

So this made me really upset, and last night I was so tired from work that I just fell apart then and there on camera, tears streaming down my face. It felt like a break-up only 100 times worse. This was my dream girl... a girl I've dreamt about being with nearly 5 years and it felt like the worst pain I've ever experienced.

I of course told her so many things but it changed nothing... I pleaded with her and tried to talk sense into her (at least my sense) but in the end I knew she was right because it was something that had been on my mind and I knew it was coming sometime soon but I just couldn't of imagined it being that soon.

It just shattered my dreams.

I don't know what the point of this post was... I just kinda wanted someone to talk to... and it's something I just don't have in my life. If anyone has any long distance relationships where something similar has happen, please let me know how you dealt with it?

Did things ever work out?

Because honestly I think me and her both want the same things... we both just realise how unrealistic it is at the moment with massive real life commitments of work and college getting in the way.

Can this ever work out for the best?
Thank you for reading this... it was a very long message but I'm so just heart broken at the moment.

James

[Nicole!]

Hey there James,

First of all, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Heartbreak is never easy, and I can relate because although my last relationship wasn't long-distance, I felt the most emotional pain I've ever felt in my life, which I"m sure is what you are going through right now. I just want to say, it does get better. I promise.

The problem is, if she doesn't want to try and commit, then there isn't much you can do. You've already tried convincing her to give it a chance, but most likely she is trying to avoid heartbreak and in turn caused some for the both of you.
Would it be possible that after one of you finishes your studies you could go see the other person? Long-distance relationships can be very difficult, but many people say it isn't the distance that ruins it, its the doubts, which she is currently experiencing. While you both seem to really get along well, do you think you could manage not being able to see her in person for a few more years? Sure, she may seem like the perfect girl, but is she really if she lives so far away and is doubting the whole thing? There are about 7 billion people in the world, there is bound to be many more girls that will make you feel like Sophie does. However don't go jumping into just any relationship, you'll need to heal first. Do not start dating again until you are fully over Sophie.
To get over her is the tricky part however. Cutting off all contact is always the best bet, but that will be really hard considering you were both such good friends for almost 5 years. However, it really will help you to get over her.
I would distract with fun activities, such as spending time with friends and family or doing any hobbies you enjoy. Even just taking some walks to clear your head can really help make a difference on your mood. Remember that the pain is temporary, and everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

If you need to talk privately even just to rant, feel free to PM me at any time. You don't have to go through this alone.

[Sonofalich404]

Abandoning her is not an option I can ever possibly take. I've been with a lot of girls lets say. In fact I'm pretty much the definition of a whore, but she is different and I see it clear as day and night.

To completely stop that? I don't know, and to throw away nearly 5 years of friendship, seems crazy. Thanks for your opinion and I appreciate you spending your time on reading and replying to this, but I just can't seem to accept that as a viable solution.

[Nicole!]

I completely understand that. It isn't your only option, but what I'm saying is it is the fastest way to move on. You can also stay friends with her, but you may want to get some space from her as well. What I mean is it may be best to for now, not talk everyday or as often.

[PSY]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. My long-distance relationship ended about a year ago, and I was the one who initiated the break-up; however, it was still incredibly painful, and I remember that feeling quite well. It was difficult to walk away from a 4+ year long relationship. I truly understand what you are going through right now, and I want to let you know that things WILL get better with time. You need to be willing to give yourself that time, though, and not expect to feel "okay" again in a matter of weeks, or even in a matter of months. Five years is a long time to hold on to the hope of being with someone.

Secondly, I agree with a lot of what Melody has said. I understand that you don't want to completely cut off contact, and you don't have to. Distancing yourself for a while may not be a bad idea, though. Everyone's situation is going to be different, but for the majority of people I've spoken to, it seems that temporarily ceasing contact or limiting contact (ex. going from every day to once or twice per week, or keeping the conversations general vs. personal), have greatly aided the "healing" process. Talking to Sophie every day would be like rubbing salt in your emotional wounds. You need to give yourself some time and space, so you can find ways to cope with the pain and reach a point where you can interact with her, and not feel like you're about to break down at any given moment. In my case, I went from every day to once per week, and that definitely helped.

I'm a firm believer that long-distance relationships CAN work out; however, there are a few factors you need to consider. Some people say that "all you need is love." I don't believe that - love can take you a long way, but at some point, you need to think with your head and not with your heart.

1. Sophie's willingness to commit.
Clearly, this is a problem. Maybe she will change her mind in the future, or maybe she won't. You can't do a whole lot if she's resisting the idea of dating you, though, and frankly, it's a waste of your time and energy to pursue anything with her if she is actively opposed to the idea.

2. Long-term goals.
I'm a firm believer that long-distance relationships can work out, BUT I'm also a firm believer that you need to have a plan. If you were to date Sophie, how often would you visit each other? How would you visit each other? Would she move to England, or would you move to the United States? Are you willing to move if she's not willing to move? Are you willing to accept the risk that things may not ultimately work out between the two of you, even if you do move to the United States?

3. The "game plan."
Let's say Sophie is opposed to dating now, but she's not opposed to the idea of dating you in a few years, should you move to the United States. What are you going to do in the meantime? Are you going to remain "celibate" or consider dating other girls in the meantime? What happens if you begin to fall in love with one of those girls? What happens if Sophie finds someone else in the meantime? How will you approach your relationship until you have the opportunity to move (will you be "just friends," or will you want to flirt with her a bit)? Can you realistically handle the idea of waiting for something that may or may not work out in a few years? Some people can, some people can't. Knowing where Sophie stands/what she wants, knowing where you stand/what you want, and having goals/a plan in mind will help you make a decision, though.

So in a nutshell - if you and Sophie want the same things, but you both know the distance makes meeting impossible for a few years, the best advice I can offer is to compare your long-term goals and reach an agreement regarding the "game plan." Communicate, communicate, and COMMUNICATE. If you need some time and space before you can effectively communicate with Sophie, though, then don't be afraid to tell her so and focus on other goals, such as schoolwork and strengthening friendships in England. After all, how can you expect to plan out a beautiful future for yourself, either with Sophie or alone/with someone else, if you're an emotional train wreck? The bottom-line is that you can't - you need to clear your head first, and that may take a considerable amount of time. Don't be afraid to take as much time as you need.

I wish you all the best.

[effyfrost]

Hello,
I am in a long-distance relationship myself at the moment. I haven't been on this site in a while but I'm finding myself in need of advice about it as well, so I figured I would come on here and see if anyone else could talk to me about long-distance relationships. I don't know how much I have in terms of advice, I've only been in this relationship for about six months now. But if you ever need someone to talk to about anything at all, please don't hesitate to pm me. The only advice I'd give right now is to make sure you both want the same things and like someone else said before me, have a plan. Try to plan when you will see each other, even if it's a long time from now. That way, at least you'll have something to look forward to, instead of wondering if you'll get to see eachother. Good luck and again, I'm here if you ever wan to talk about long-distance issues!