Suppressed emotions, forever single and falling for my best friend?

[believed]

I had a bit of drama go on when I was 12 years old and it led me down a nasty spiral of mental breakdowns, hospital visits, a very rocky relationship with my parents, severe isolation- no friends whatsoever- and a nasty drug addiction. Needless to say, I've never had a boyfriend/relationship/kiss. Nothing like that.

All in the meantime, I tried to block all emotions from my life. The sadness and pain I experienced was too much... so I repeatedly told myself nothing could and would hurt me because I refused to acknowledge any emotion and used drugs as my outlet of escape. I grew bitter towards most people because I didn't want them getting close to me. I didn't want to end up hurting them- in what way? I don't know- by letting them see how much I was hurting myself.

As you might imagine, this method of blocking out emotion doesn't work forever. It led to a breakdown... several of them actually. I managed the first few on my own, but someone was bound to see it at some point. And some people did see me in an emotional breakdown... and completely turned away from me. I don't blame them or hold hatred towards them for doing that- I was a mess.

Then one guy- my age- actually stopped and made sure I was okay. I was crying from some hurtful things someone said to me, and once the tears start they don't really stop. I was extremely upset at this point and cried out everything for an hour... and he listened and shared some similar experiences he had gone through. I didn't even know him at this point. I just couldn't hold in everything anymore and spilled out all my frustration. We kept in touch. With his encouragement, I got help for my addiction and have been drug free for two months. I took up art as a way to cope with the effects of quitting drugs and gave most of them to him. He's the one I've ended up spending the night with crying because I was having a hard time being drug free. He's the person I'll get an encouraging text from after an emotionally draining day. And I feel so terrible for taking up so much of his time, but he's the first person to actually show concern for me. And I've told him this more than once and he's always responded with a hug and a, "anytime" or "not a problem".

Now I'm scared I'm starting to fall for him, like I would date him. The subject has been brought up before and he said no relationship. (He's single as well). I'm starting to retreat back into numbness... on one hand, he's my best friend and I don't want to lose him, especially since I'm starting to make amends with my family now and if I lost him I don't think I'd be able to do it. But it would honestly kill me if dated another girl. I'm close to this friend and I really doubt any girlfriend would approve of our late night conversations or if I ever spent the night (which has happened before). The idea of trying to block emotion out is starting to creep up again, just so I don't end up being hurt again. I went on a date with another guy (didn't know him very well) and it didn't work out at all... I just kept comparing him to my friend. I'm frustrated with myself for falling for someone, especially when I have so many doubts it'll work out (nothing like this has ever worked out) and I don't know what to do at this point. I'm getting confused again. Help please?

[Ms.Meow]

I'd say cellibrate that you have such an excellent friend and have made such a great step forward. He has helped you become more open to livng life with your emotions engaged. Whatever happens with him, try not to let go of that. Sometimes people die, or they change and turn against you, or they are crude and crule. Its hard but try and let go of what they do to you. Its not your fault at all. You need to remember that he isnt the only person who will be kind to you. There are others who you will also identify with. I'm saying this because if something happens with him then you can find someone new. Hopefully you will be able to remain friends and maybe someday he'll feel the same way about you.

Also there is the option of telling him how you feel and asking him if he will feel like dating you at some other point or if it is just at this point in time that he does not want a girlfriend.


Goodluck!

[believed]

I know I can't let myself get too attached on him... But on the other hand its hard not to at this point. He knows about my past almost as much as my therapist does and hasn't shoved me away like ever other person or tried to use me for sex (like what's happened in past experiences. What's happened is "guy becomes my friend. guy wants to have sex with me. I say no. He gets mad and stops talking to me. Turns out guy wasn't a friend".

I guess its too early to think "what if I lose him". I know I still have trust and isolation issues- its not uncommon for me to stop answering calls or texting entirely for a few days to almost everyone because I don't want to talk to them- and maybe once thats resolved everything will work out for the better.