Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Female Advice Preferred: Reconstruction

[TigerTank77]

So my ex contacted me recently. Long story short, we've pretty much started over clean slate from first starting to talk. So I'm going through the process of wooing her all over again. We've been talking pretty much non stop since last Thursday, and I know that there is something there.

However, I'm constantly paranoid that I'm either moving to slow, or too fast. I thought about just asking her how she felt about things, but again, I don't know if it's too soon or not, or if whether or not that's something I should even actually ask.

I really have no fucking clue how to go about things, other than to simply just do them and hope for the best. And that's pretty much my least favorite way of doing anything.

On a slightly unrelated note, I've been thinking about how things ended before, and I'm convinced that as long as we maintain really solid communication, and to just be upfront with each other when something is on our mind. No guessing, no mind games, no assumptions.

And I want to tell her that, but again... yeah.

Paranoia man.

Anyone have any advice?

[Jas]

If you're convinced that the only way this is going to work is "really solid communication", I think you already know what you have to do:
Talk to her about how she feels things are going, talk to her about your need for communication and no mind games (although I don't know who was playing them when it ended, I suppose it might have been you), talk to her about what she wants and how she feels... just talk.

When you say last Thursday are you saying two days or a week and two days? Because two days of non stop talking, I don't think you need to worry about it going too fast and wouldn't even bother asking about such a short time frame. While over a week could go either way, I also don't think you'd be out of line asking anything at that point if you really are in touch all of the time.

I think it's pretty normal to be paranoid about behaviour in the first bit of any relationship attempt - you're figuring out how to act, what they want, what you do - and I bet that's probably heightened because you've been with her before. But hey, she's probably a bit nervous too! And if I was in her position, all I'd want is for you to be open about your concerns so we could figure it out together..

[Age of Ignorance]

I see what you're saying.

Problem with reinvigorating past relationships is that no matter whether or not you start fresh, you're going to eventually fall straight back into the hole you were last in - most of the time, anyway.

Personally, I would avoid getting back into bed with a past lover when I feel that if I've been there and done that, then there's no point in going back and doing it again (I've conquered that mountain, why go back to the same one when I can challenge myself elsewhere?). However, you've obviously both got a thing for each other: who doesn't for their exes?

If you're both keen on jumping off the deep end once more, I'd probably take it slow ~ as to whether or not you are now, as long as you're still at the "wooing" stage and not at the "WHY U BREAK UP WIF ME LAST TYM?!!!!1!one!" (I realise that not all people will feel/express this, but at some point or another, you're going to communicate about what went wrong last time) stage, then you're taking it slow. If you're past the wooing stage, then you're probably taking it fast. It's important to hold a steady pace, and try not to rush things - you might be eager to talk to her about what went wrong last time, but honestly, it can do more harm than good if you're not working your way up to it.

As for having any clue about how to go about things, I'd just continue talking. Let her bring things up at her own pace - let her take the reigns. If she asks you a question, be honest, and don't defer it for another time ~ I'm sure if you answer questions honestly and discuss things openly, then she will do the same when it comes time for your questions. That being said, if she was the one that contacted you, don't try to seem to disinterested, but also don't seem too interested - too interested will result in the tortoise winning, and disinterested means the rabbit wins (let's assume you're a third competitor, like a frog).

To sum up, don't be forthcoming, but don't be distant; don't be interested, but don't be disinterested; don't ask the first question, and don't be closed off when she asks you a question. Most of this will build back up, and then you'll have yourself a perfectly functioning relationship (assuming you don't fall straight back into the hole you two found yourselves in last time, whatever that might be). Keep things steady, and show as much feelings as she does (or your body can endure), and keep casual about whatever she says or whatever happens.

[Raining Glitter]

Like others have said, straight forward communication would be a wonderful way to approach! You and her dont want to accidentally fall into another mind game on "who is going to make the move".it'll eat at both of you until someone finally does, which might happen in an uncomfortable way.

Just full out, straight forward, ask her where does she think the relationship is going. Tell her your fears about moving too fast and too slow: how you don't want to pressure her into anything and you are ready to go whatever speed she wants. Initanating this honest strong communication might atually make your bound stronger and make her want to be more honest with her feekings. I know it can be scary to bring up such a topic, but it'll be worth it. at least you won't have to second guess yourself and fall into the trap of mind games again.

With wooing her, doing cute little romantic things that make her feel beautiful and show how you care can help a lot. Like holding the door open for her, sending good morning texts, maybe surprising her with a wflower every so often or a cupcake from her favorite bakery. You don't necessary have to do any of this thing specefically, just something with your own spin to it to show how you personally care about her. I know doing so would make her heart flutter like crazy

I hope everything works out with you! Be happy to pm me anytime you have questions/ect!

[gymnastxxLeah]

communication is important in relationships . if you cant talk about this, arent you a little worried? important things may come up, and you need to be able to talk about them for things to work.

[Dr.Bobby]

Originally Posted by TigerTank77

I really have no fucking clue how to go about things, other than to simply just do them and hope for the best.

This is a sure fire recipe for failure, Ben.

Communication is a good thing, but it becomes a bit of a truism after a while. Most people communicate, that's not always the problem. It's what you and they do with the communication being shared. And based just on your history with me Ben on another controversial issue, I'd say that the number one thing you need to work on is flexibility/tolerance. Doing with your girlfriend what you did with me (and the others), the 'Simply just do them and hope for the best' will result in the same thing with her that it did with me....you'll alienate yourself, this time with someone far more important.

Instead of talking with her, try listening.

[Hollifire]

Honesty & communication are key components in any good relationship. Ask her how she's feeling about things, see where she's at. A main thing here, actually listen to her. Listen to her words, don't get all paranoid & try and interpret what she's saying into something else. Your mind's going to play tricks on you, especially if this is something you're always thinking about. The best you can do is always talk to her about anything, don't hold back even if you think it will upset her. Have the respect for her to be honest all the time. I do wish you the best of luck. Everyone deserves to be happy, you included. <3

[TigerTank77]

Okay, so, I talked to her earlier. I asked if I could bounce a few of my thoughts off of her. So I did, I talked to her about the communication thing, about how I like how things are progressing, and while I'm not pushing or expecting anything, that I'd like for things to progress and get stronger. And what wherever we went with this, that I just wanted her to know what I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and that she can always be honest with me, and count on me to be there when she needs it.

So OF COURSE, I get no reply, for four hours. So I wait,stomach churning the entire time, until around ten when I finally ask "you there"?

Two minutes later, I get a text saying "just got out of the gym, I'm sorry. You texted me as soon as I got into class and from there I just went straight to the gym."

Okay, fine. Whatever, shit happens. I say it's alright, and I try to kill my awkwardness by joking around and saying that I was orried ause I thought I fucked something or something.

She says "no". And that was it. 30 minutes later I texted her saying that after she gets to sit down and relax a bit, that I'd like to know what she thought on the matter.

Nothing.

Part of me says she probably just fucking fell asleep, because she's done that a few times. And the other half of me feels ill and wants to crawl in a hole and die.

So, yeah. That's where I'm at.

[Age of Ignorance]

Eh. Thought it might be best to avoid communication like this until you clearly know where her head is at - which generally means abstaining from such a discussion until she brings it up. Nevertheless, all is not lost; you'll just have to wait until she contacts you. She's probably got thoughts bouncing around in her head - don't push too hard, or she'll snap. You'll probably just need to back off slightly until she contacts you, but still try to talk to her - let her figure it out on her own, without any force following through on her. You may be anxious to know how she's thinking, but she probably doesn't know how to think.

Just chill out for a bit.

[TigerTank77]

Originally Posted by Composure

Eh. Thought it might be best to avoid communication like this until you clearly know where her head is at - which generally means abstaining from such a discussion until she brings it up. Nevertheless, all is not lost; you'll just have to wait until she contacts you. She's probably got thoughts bouncing around in her head - don't push too hard, or she'll snap. You'll probably just need to back off slightly until she contacts you, but still try to talk to her - let her figure it out on her own, without any force following through on her. You may be anxious to know how she's thinking, but she probably doesn't know how to think.

Just chill out for a bit.

I should have known this before hand. I feel like an idiot.

I texted her again, told her that I shouldn't have dropped a bomb like that on her, and told her not to worry about it.

She said that she's "just going to say okay, and that we will talk about it eventually, just not right now."

Which is fine... but I'm fairly certain I've fucked everything up beyond all repair.

[Tyr.]

If it's any consolation, I am pretty bad at doing that myself. I am always open, honest and frank in these sorts of situations - sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming for the girl.

Text message is not a good way to have those conversations.

- iYogi

[SamMarie]

I don't even think you should even be communicating by text especially since this is important to you. Anybody can cut short through text, but when you're upfront and sincere, you would be able to understand her feelings a little better. I only say this because a human usually communicates through body language more than how we say it. You should be able to hear her voice or even better by speaking to her face to face. This is why I think discussing about ANYTHING relationship related through text should be destroyed. Especially when it comes to your feelings.

Sometimes the only way to solve this is telling her how you feel instead of asking the "What If's". Just say it. I don't know what kind of person she is, but I think if it were anybody, I would just tell her straight up. It must relieve that 4 hour long wait or however long it is. Hell, give her a call and meet up somewhere. Don't rely on technology.

If anything, you didn't fuck up unless you asked too soon. The way she's giving you time to wait is just immature bullshit. Everyone knows how they feel. There shouldn't be any mind games even if it's a tight situation. One feeling normally outweighs the secondary feeling we might have if we're indecisive with our own feelings. But, either way, you can't rush with a relationship. Relationships take time to grow. In your case, regrow again.

To me, honestly, I feel like there is still that corner you're stuck in because of the past. And even if it isn't you, it's probably happening to her which is why she could be indecisive. Like both of you, neither of you want to get hurt again. So, my advice? Just talk to her upfront. Remain calm and collected. Speak from your heart. Be true to your feelings. Good luck!

[Age of Ignorance]

Originally Posted by TigerTank77

I should have known this before hand. I feel like an idiot.

I texted her again, told her that I shouldn't have dropped a bomb like that on her, and told her not to worry about it.

She said that she's "just going to say okay, and that we will talk about it eventually, just not right now."

Which is fine... but I'm fairly certain I've fucked everything up beyond all repair.

Contrary to the other two above me, I believe texting is fine to clear the air. Some things cannot be said to another person when they're standing right infront of you - the body language of another can be just as damning as the words that come from their mouth. I personally find texting unavoidably anonymous, and it allows for process of thought - dropping a bombshell like that on her in a face-to-face conversation could've just about destroyed you more than the four hour wait of a text message did. So, with regards to text messaging, I don't find anything wrong with what you did.

Moreover, I don't find anything irreparable about this. Like I said, she obviously has thoughts bouncing around in her head. She will clear the air eventually, just not while she's uncertain about it. The sitation is not critical. It's pretty stable. She seems to be acting like you can still go and talk to her, but she believes that conversations like that should be avoided for now.

In my view, the relationship you were intending to build was not securely fastened at the time you sent that message. Things were still up in the air, and it's possible that you did in some ways lose some pieces of the stability you'd already built. Nevertheless, those pieces can still be fastened back together. All is not lost. You just need to have patience. She will come to you (honestly, you threw the ball in her half of the court - you just need to wait for the return). In the same way, though, you relinquished all power over the course and path that the relationship might have been heading, and no matter how hard you try now, she's the one that will be making the executive decision.

All we can tell you to do is preoccupy yourself until she sorts things out. Don't intrude on that decision-making, either. You may just lose all hope then.

[Tyr.]

Originally Posted by Dr.Bobby

This is a sure fire recipe for failure, Ben.

I was under the impression Ben was talking about following his instincts. Maybe I am misunderstanding.

You do not believe following his instincts is a good idea?

Am very curious to hear what you have to say on the matter.

Cheers,

- iYogi

[TigerTank77]

Originally Posted by Composure

All we can tell you to do is preoccupy yourself until she sorts things out. Don't intrude on that decision-making, either. You may just lose all hope then.

So essentially, don't talk to her at all until she decides to contact me? Or talk to her, but don't bring that shit up again?

[SamMarie]

Texting is the most unreliable source to anyone's feelings. None of us knows exactly what she's feeling or what is even going through her head, Tiger. Composure is stating "probably" bouncing decisions around in her head. None of us can prove it. Just ask her in person. If she can't even be clear in person, maybe it's just time to move on to someone else. Exes are just bound to be more trouble the 2nd time around. At least from my own experience.

[Brandon]

Originally Posted by TigerTank77

So my ex contacted me recently.

While it's a great thing that she's contacting you again and you still seem to be in love with her...understand that she could be contacting you for a different reason then what you think. There's many possibilities of why she's actually contacting you, not to scare you but I think you should be conscious of these possibilities. Of course, she may want to start over...but women can be tricky if you don't watch out.

Originally Posted by TigerTank77

However, I'm constantly paranoid that I'm either moving to slow, or too fast. I thought about just asking her how she felt about things, but again, I don't know if it's too soon or not, or if whether or not that's something I should even actually ask.

Relationships that become relationships again typically go at a slower pace. Sometimes you can jump in the hot tub, but sometimes you just want to ease up into the water. Either way works, but you have to evaluate your situation and make sure that it's okay to do that.

I cannot stress on how important communication is. If you want to get serious with her again, you need to tell her not only the truth...but everything. Tell her how you feel, ask her how she feels, or anything else that comes to mind. Every now and then, I ask my girlfriend what I can improve on, what pisses her off, etc. You have to take some initiative, and it's also not a bad idea to do things to show that you're trying to be a good boyfriend. If the relationship fails again and she ends up blaming you for something...you could say...hey, look...I tried to communicate with you, I supported you, etc, but you refused so it ain't my fault. I know that sometimes my girlfriend doesn't want to hear everything about my insecurities, etc etc...but if there comes a point where she blames me for the relationship's deterioration...I'd just turn around and say...if you felt like something was wrong, you should've said something. Don't be afraid to talk...if she's not gonna like what you ask or you feel weird asking the question...don't be because relationships fail sometimes for that reason...you aren't sure you want to ask it...and I'm willing to bet that it's because you're afraid to ask it.

If you're unsure of whether to tell her, tell her. If you want to tell her, tell her. She contacted you, so she must be willing to put up with you. Otherwise, why contact you in the first place?

[Age of Ignorance]

Originally Posted by TigerTank77

So essentially, don't talk to her at all until she decides to contact me? Or talk to her, but don't bring that shit up again?

The latter.
Talk to her, but don't pressure her. Don't be forward about your feelings. Don't request to know hers. Don't expect too much from these conversations you're having with her. These conversations seem to be fillers of time until she figures out how to reply to your first text. She won't forget that you sent it and what it said - so don't bother asking her to consider it once more.

Originally Posted by SamMarie

Composure is stating "probably" bouncing decisions around in her head. None of us can prove it.

Exactly. I was simply saying that there's probably a bunch of things going on in her head that she needs to figure out without your (Tiger's) influence.

I'm thinking someone should create a universal guide on when it's okay to drop a bombshell through text - a checklist of sorts. I personally don't care when things are said, as long as they're said. If that means someone cannot tell me in person because they're scared/tired/annoyed/whatever, then texting it to me is fine - I won't make things difficult just because someone texts me instead of telling me in person. I desire the same level of difficulty (i.e. none) from others when I text them a bombshell. However, I understand that not everyone is as relaxed, so I don't expect them to be. I expect people to be difficult, and if I'm going to drop a bombshell on someone, then being difficult is expected, no matter the time, place or person. As long as someone expects and understands that difficulty, there should be no problem in texting someone something like that.

[Ambiance]

Barriers are your enemy.

[PSY]

These sorts of conversations definitely need to be done in-person or over the phone (NOT via text messaging). The only other thing I want to say is that, if she's not willing to talk about these potential problems/issues, then you didn't "f*ck everything up beyond repair." Unfortunately, there was nothing to repair in the first place, because it's obvious that you were willing to put in the effort and she wasn't. If she needs to find a good time to talk, fine - but if she's going to avoid talking about this for days on end, then I think it's time to cut your losses and move on. It's one thing if your timing and method of communication sucks (texting vs. calling and when she was busy), and it's another thing entirely if she's available for a phone call but doesn't want to talk. I realize this is a unique situation (trying to get back together with an ex-girlfriend), but the basic rules still apply: couples need to be able to communicate. If they can't do that, then the relationship will ultimately fail.