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frison1313 Offline
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Join Date: February 10th 2013

Unhappy Am I becoming crazy ? - June 17th 2013, 09:38 PM

It just started 5 months ago its not long. I don't understand. I thought at the beginning purging was the solution to all my problems. I wasn't addicted and still not. But now, I want to stop, I want to be healthy to get fit in the right way but I can't. Like two days ago, I started a new lifestyle, healthy, doing sports as always and today, the thought of food came across my mind, it was there and when I wanted to think about something else it would go back to it. It drove me to the supermarket, made me buy food. I came back home, the urge was gone, but I had the food so I binged and purged. I feel so ashamed, guilty I broke my new lifestyle. I crashed down. Before when I was purging or binging I would never feel guilty but today yes. Cause I realize I wanna stop this and it doesn't want to leave me I don't understand. I've got some days where I won't worry about what I eat etc and others where I have to control the calories etc. I've got this voice telling me it's so much easier to starve or binge and purge to lose weight instead of doing it in the healthy way. It tells me everything will be fine when I'll lose this few pounds. And it's like my little secret I don't want to let go, it's like I'm the girl who has something different. It seems too that since I've stopped self harming the eating has getting worse.
I can't go back to the shrink cause its holiday and I can't tell my parents I've got problems cause everything is right in my life, I'm 7 weeks self harm free, no more bullied...
Tomorrow I'm going back to my healthy lifestyle. But I don't understand what's happening to me ?!!((