[WillO'Wisp]

Hi everyone.
I know I told you all in my letter of absence I would be away for awhile because I didn't feel like I was in any position to help anyone, but I can't hold this in any longer. I guess I really need help and support alot more than I thought. Since the last time I've been around here, I've just gone downhill.
I just can't get past this aching feeling anymore. The boyfriend who broke my heart, preferably shattered it I should say in my condition, the one who used me for sex, made me think he was all into me and used me just for sexual purposes, he is always in my heart and mind. Even though he hurt me so bad, I still love him. He is the only guy I have ever truly loved, ever opened up to and gave my heart to, trusted and talked to and felt comfortable and right around, I thought he was the one. I never invisioned my first love being that way or shattering me to the point of no repair.
I have always had bad luck with guys, but this was different. When I was in his room, in his house, everything around me it all just felt even more comfortable than my own home. I never wanted to leave. It all felt so right that I figured it couldn't be wrong. I usually get homesick and want to leave anywhere else or get bored, but with him it was the only place I felt comfortable and it felt okay, it felt right, I was comfortable and at peace with him in his home. Everything in his room and everything about him still ligners in my memory, and it all just makes me miss him even more, when we had sex and did things together in his room, it was the best thing I've ever experienced and I wanted to marry him, settle down with him, have a family with him have kids, and I was just a toy to him, he was just lying and using me all along. What a fucking fool I was. I feel like such a fucking tool, like such a worthless piece of shit. But the worst part about it is, I don't regret sleeping with him, I don't regret anything, and I'd even do it again just to see him one more time because I miss him think about him dream about him all the bloody time, and I don't even want to stop. I feel like breaking down and crying everyday and I don't ever cry, I guess I'm not as strong as I thought. I'm too numb and empty to cry. I gave him my heart and now all that's left there is a black empty bottomless pit. I'm incapable of feeling anymore, of any emotions.
A guy tries to hit on me, compliment me, I'm numb to it and don't even like it and ignore it, I don't even check guys out anymore, I don't even like guys or like anyone anymore for that matter. I will never love anyone again, I can't love anyone like I loved him. I will never trust anyone ever again, I'm like a zombie everyday, I walk around like a zombie, I hardly smile or laugh anymore because I'm never going to be happy again.
I know this is getting long, I'm sorry, but I kept checking his Facebook saw he likes this new girl maybe he's just using her too I don't know but I sent her a message warning her about him, she didn't listen obviously said something I lashed out at her with insults and such and he sent me a message, this all being on my fake Facebook account saying I'm sorry your so bitter but you need to leave the people I know alone before you get yourself in trouble, what your doing is harrassment. It has made me bitter, he's right about that.
I do have support from a couple close friends and my mom but my mom hasn't had her heart broken, she hasn't gone through the same thing. A friend of mine has and she understands, it's nice to talk to them, but it helps a little, it doesn't solve my problems though. He's reduced me to bitterness and resentment. I have lost the will to live. Everything always goes wrong.
We have bills, I got hit by a car five years back and am still nervous when I cross the street, my aunt has cancer and nothing ever seems to get better in this life of mine and I see no change in sight.
I don't even fear death, I'm fine if I die, I actually wouldn't mind at all. Walking out of the Safeway today, I actually had the preverse desire to jump in front of a car. I just feel like I should have died....