[rebeccamonroe]

i don't understand how you can go from promising yourself you won't ever do something, and then five years later have it feel like the only option left. when i was ten i decided i wouldn't ever want to kill myself. wouldn't ever cause harm to myself. wouldn't ever try so hard to be perfect. here i am at 15 and i've broken every other promise i've made to myself, so whats one more?

i don't think this is classified as an eating disorder, but that might just be me in denial.

for about a year, i've thought that i was overweight. i've had everybody including my doctor tell me that i am not. but as the story goes, of course i don't believe them. i don't agree. there was a point last year where i barely ate enough to keep a small rodent alive for about a week, plus i was trying super hard in gym class. the want to be smaller never went away, but i stopped trying to exercise so much.

well the other day i was watching Intervention, which is one of my favourite shows. but this one episode was about a man who was bulimic. and watching it, i started thinking about how it might be easier than not eating at all. and now every time i eat, all i can think about is throwing it up. i haven't actually. i've come close, lots of times.

i don't know. it's gotten to the point where my dad and my boyfriend have both said "I worry about you eating right."
i just don't want to feel so disgusting and overweight anymore, but i'm not motivated enough to actually stick to an 'eat healthy' plan or exercise. i never remember to. it honestly just seems like the only thing that i can do to not eat. but i can't even do that.

what am i even asking, i don't know
i need opinions?
thank you so much