Triggering (Suicide): quite a long vent, i dont know what am i doing here

[bluegirl]

my parents both were so good at school when they were younger, now one is a doctor while the other works as a E.E professor. ALL my siblings were and are so good at school, like top students. my older brother is studying to be a doctor already! both my sisters are so good at socializing and making friends, they are pretty, talented, and loved by everyone and they deserve it! they are all amazing people.

yet there is me. a complete failure in every way possible. i dont understand how did i end up in this family? what sin could my parents make to be cursed with a daughter like me? it has always been like that. i was born ugly and stupid. i used to get sick a lot and now i make myself sick a lot by attempts and forms of sh which make me even a bigger waste . I always embarrass them. Many people ask my parents what is wrong with me, they do not know, and neither do I. No one in this family loves me, and I deserve that. I do not have any irl friends or even talk to anyone at all. i love my online friends but i feel like im such a toxic friend. i keep ghosting them and i cant talk to anyone when im in a bad mood (which is all the time) unless i vent to them which is even worse. i dont talk daily with anyone and noone would notice when i go. my grades are terrible. I dont even think I will be able to finish high school at this rate.

My parents are mad at me, but how can I explain that it is not that easy? When I told my mother that I wanted to die, she told me to do it. Even my father, the only person who used to support me, has started losing patience because of me. I think he has truly given up on me.

Every time I leave my room, I hear them speaking badly about me. The worst part is that I deserve it. it hurt so bad .I am barely living and barely leave my bed. I cannot find any reason to stay alive. just breathing is so hard. how am I supposed to keep trying when i know that my very best will always be worse than their worst?

when you think about someone who doesnt study, clean, or do anything at all you would think that they should be having a great time being lazy and ignoring all their responsibilities playing and sleeping all day sounds like it should be fun, but im dying. i sleep 14-17h everyday and its not enough, im so tired i feel like i have not slept in days, i have nightmares everynight but i sleep trying to escape from the world. i used to be good at making art but nothing feels fun anymore, i feel so bad i cant explain how awful it is. im not happy and no one is happy that i exist .

Lately, my parents have been having serious problems and things are so bad at home, and I am trying to hold on until things get better so I do not make everything worse. But I feel like everything is my fault anyway. i tried to end it last week but i failed. i didnt tell anyone but it was awful . I am so lost. I do not think there is anything I can give to the world except relief from my presence, it feels like the only right thing i can do. i dont know what to do. im living in a constant mental torture .i wish i could escape by any other way than dying.

[Astro04]

Don't ever think to do it! Comparing yourself like this won't end at nothing. Don't be sad and no, there's still a meaning to your life. And you think about their life if you die?
Trust me. There's nothing in life that wants you to die. That's only thoughts!