Triggering: I fear that my fantasies are destroying myself

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"](For context, I am a 14 year old girl, almost 15.) I'm not 100% sure how I figured this out, but I have a really bad kink. At least I think it's really bad. I'm not attracted to children or animals or anything like that, but I think this is pretty bad too. I have a kink for Nazis, like specifically SS officers. Now believe me, I am very against Nazism and those kinds of ideologies, but I can't help but feel a sickening attraction for SS officers. I don't really know why. I fantasize a lot about them and think about them a lot, even though I know in my heart it's wrong.

One of the most common fantasies I have involves bondage. And unexpectedly, in these fantasies, I am the one who binds them up. I don't think my family or friends really suspect much if/when they see me drawing Nazis all the time tied up in rope and with taped mouths, but if they knew the motivation behind it I think they would be really disgusted. I draw a looooot of men, like I pretty much only draw men, and most of them (as expected) are SS officers. And the problem is, I've gotten pretty good at drawing them and so that's basically the only thing I draw.

Only my very close friends know about my kink. My family doesn't know because I doubt they would accept me if I told them, and it's not a very dominating aspect of myself, so I find it safer to just keep it hidden from them. But anyways, I just feel like my sexual fantasies involving Nazis are really unhealthy, but they persist in my mind. Like, I pretty much constantly think about Nazis, and I sometimes talk about them too. I think my family and friends just think it's because I'm obsessed with military history (especially WWII) and they don't suspect anything weird.

I'm wondering, is it possible to get rid of a kink? And are kinks something you're born with, or do they just develop? If it helps to know this, I was exposed to a lot of fetish content on the internet, especially fanart and animations, when I was young (about 7-9 years old). Although, it was mostly things like body inflation, it had nothing to do with Nazis or bondage or anything remotely similar to that.

Something I also worry about is how the fantasies are affecting my life. My "type" that I'm attracted to is pretty much always blond-haired, blue-eyed, German boys. I don't think that it's necessarily the cause or effect of my kink, though. Also, I tend to fall in and out of depressive episodes, but it usually aligns more with what's going on in my life (mostly school) than with the fantasies. My worst depressive episode was in January when my cousin (let's just say he had just started school, that's how old he was) passed away and I got sick while I was in a different state for his funeral services. School has also gotten a lot more stressful for me, especially since the second semester started. My grades are okay, but they seem to have gotten worse.

Sometimes I just feel so sad and pathetic, and I fall back into fantasizing and pleasuring myself with these fantasies about SS officers. On the first of January, I decided that I would try to stay as clean as I could from this, but as things have gotten worse in my life, so have the fantasies. I would obviously never act on my fantasies in real life (after all WWII is over and the Nazis are mostly gone) but I still find that they are probably a bit self-destructive. What do I do??? The depression keeps coming and going and my mind is constantly infested with Nazis. Please help me. Anything helps. All I ask is just don't be mean because I didn't choose this kink and I wish I could get rid of it. Thanks in advance.

P.s. sorry if this is really long and wordy and/or hard to read.[/size]

[Face Up.]

Hey,

I don't think you're pathetic at all! I don't think people can necessarily always help what they are into, but it's what you do with it that matters. For example, you may have this kink but you're likely not going to be actively seeking out Nazis to have relations with. Remember that you're not a bad person for feeling this way.

Do you think you can start out by limiting the kind of content you see? There are apps where you may be able to block certain websites based on keywords, so you can enter something like "Nazi" and have it be blocked for you. You can also block certain types of materials in general, such as things that are pornographic.

Maybe you can also try branching out what you draw so you're not stuck solely on SS officers. For example, maybe you can look up tutorials on YouTube for other types of people, animals, nature, other types of fanart, etc, and practice those types of drawings. You got really good at drawing SS officers, so I bet you're capable of getting really good at drawing some other subjects too!

I think everyone has a "type" with dating. You said you don't think it's necessarily because of your kink, and you could be right that they're not related. Just watch the type of personalities you're dating (for example I wouldn't date someone who DID have Nazi ideals).

I hope this helps, at least a little.

Take care,
Dez