Triggering (SH): Dissociation and cutting

So, up until August of this year I was self harm free for two and a half years. I relapsed and it was pretty well thought out. I ended up confiding in my boyfriend about the fact that I was doing it and it caused a lot of tension in our relationship. I didn't like that tension and I didn't like that I was hurting him so I stopped.

Thing is I was doing pretty good. I was having urges but I was able to make it through them. Then, the day before Thanksgiving I dissociated and cut. I cut deep as well. Then this past wednesday I was dissociated as well and I ended up cutting. I was so out of it that I got blood all over the place and I didn't even notice that my wound was still bleeding until my dad pointed it out and I noticed the pools of blood. I was freaked out at that point and I think that's when I fully came out of the dissociation.

My dad was mad and I told him I couldn't help it but he didn't get it and yelled and told me I could talk to someone.

The thing is, all the coping skills I have don't work when I am dissociated.

I plan on talking to my psychiatrist about this tomorrow and my therapist on Wednesday although I doubt she'll be of much help. I have tried talking to her about my dissociation twice. The first time she told me to talk to my psychiatrist which I did. The second time I told her I was dissociated and cutting and she just asked how I knew I was dissociated.

I guess, I just need some suggestions to deal with the dissociation and self harm. I am terrified that I am gonna end up doing permanent damage because I cut deep. I mean, this last time I had to have hit a vein because of all the blood and how fast it was pooling on the ground.

So, anyone who has dealt with this what helps you? I don't want to cut again because they'll just send me to inpatient. I don't want to go back there at all and I don't really get much out of it.

[hocus pocus]

My therapist told me something about self-harm a few weeks ago. I know it doesn't apply to everyone struggling with it but it might help. He said a lot of people change their breathing patterns shortly before thinking about cutting and they often don't notice their breathing is off. Some people will then do little things like hair pulling or skin picking before cutting. If you have a pattern of things you do before cutting, try to catch yourself as you're doing it. You don't have to do any breathing exercises if you're not into them but try to be conscious of your breathing. If you're aware of it you can try to take a few deep breaths to steady it. Sometimes I'll get into bed and wrap myself in a blanket to feel secure and put my favorite hand lotion on or I'll watch my breathing or use one of my calming apps. I think being aware of your breathing if you can do that helps a lot, particularly if you have a lot of anxiety.

You said no grounding techniques help. What kind of ones have you tried? I think using scents for dissociation is the most helpful out of your other senses because it can kind of remind you you're in the present. I know there is the point of no return with dissociation but if you catch yourself leaving maybe you can smell something. A lot of stores, especially around this time of year, have little tiny travel or gift body sprays and those could help so you could carry it around with you.

One thing that helps when I'm out of it is trying to keep a conversation. Keeping a conversation with someone takes a lot of effort and hearing your voice out loud might help. If you can concentrate enough, maybe you can read. If you can't concentrate on a book, watch a movie or a TV show and let yourself get sucked into it even if you know you won't remember. I'm struggling to find things that help me but dissociation makes me tired and sleeping it off helps too.

Do you cut a certain time of day? Does one particular feeling cause you to cut? If you cut at night because of anxiety, for instance, you could try to prevent the urge before you get it. Coloring does wonders for anxiety. I think anything crafty is a safe bet.

I have different levels of dissociative states but when I am aware enough to know what I am doing I try to remind myself of the damage I'll do because of being out of it. Sometimes that helps, sometimes it doesn't. It depends on the day. Sometimes I'll stand under the shower and just press my head against the cold wall. Even if I don't wash myself off I am at least safe in there as long as I don't bring any tools. I'll also chew on ice. I do that on and off all day and it helps but I'm not quite sure why.

Dissociation is a pain in the butt because it is really hard to come back, no matter what skills you use. I hope you're able to find something that works for you though.

I have actually been thinking about making a grounding kit sometime. I know we have an article about it and so I figure that would be a good place to start.

I will have to identify patterns if I feel the urge to self harm and am dissociating. I am sure that I have some. I guess I just don't pay attention to that all that often.

I know that anger is what triggered my most recent episode. Anger has always been a trigger for my self harm and I was super angry and dissociated so I just went at it.

I don't know what emotion triggered the episode before thanksgiving. I don't fully remember it. I suppose I was feeling a bit overwhelmed?

I think I dissociate, sometimes, when I am dealing with extreme emotions such as anger or sadness. I think this past year my emotions have been a bit more all over the place which is what has contributed to my relapse and the dissociation.

I actually thought I had my dissociation under control before this year.

Thanks for all the advice. I will definitely try using smell when I feel myself drifting off. I have a few things I could use and after this month I could probably go out and buy stuff for the grounding kit.