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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I'm noticing that the line between greiving the eventual loss of my grandmother and the relief that she's finally out of my life, is smudging and its creating a chaotic mess.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I'm scared about tomorrow. I've been collecting pills again.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
After everything I've said on the forums about not self harming, and wanting to make this life work, can I really do it? I'm starting to have second thoughts, and urges... it feels like its taking over :(
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I've never been triggered by seeing stuff, and I wasn't last night, but the first thing that went through my head was "fucking hell I want to hold you right now and kiss it better and try and get you to understand just how much you mean to me" but as usual I don't think she got just how important she is. I'd give her my life tomorrow if she asked for it. I wish she could see her beauty through my eyes.
I told her she'd never see mine. I wish that was possible. In a way I want her to see them... just to know her reaction? But at the same time I'm so scared she'll freak or leave me or I'll hurt her. I don't know. Maybe not seeing them is easier? I really don't know Someone with the answers please? |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
i think i was the most perverted little kid ever. i haven't changed.
i resent the few friends i have for not being smart enough, but i prefer feeling superior. i honestly wish something terrible would happen to my grandmother so she would be out my life and home forever. i hater her so much that don't feel bad for wanted her gone either. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
Sometimes I get worried that someone, somewhere is reading my mind :eek::rolleyes
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I wish she knew nothing is ever going to be enough for me to leave her. Ever. I wish she knew that I won't freak out of leave her over cuts and scars, that would make me a hypocrite. I wish she knew she can't hide forever. I wish she knew how much I love her.
I'm so freaking scared of tonight and pills and plans. And the new pills making me fat. :( Eugh. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I dont believe that I need to stop my own self harm, but I know it's getting out of control.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I'm sorry for telling you the truth.
I'll show you them? |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I'll be fat and ugly and unwanted for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wish I had an eating disorder just so I could be thin. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I don't know why, but right now i wish i was about to die.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I have pills and a blade in my school bag. I'm so unstable.
I want to see them. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
i want to trust you.. but i don't know if i can.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
The Truth...?
I haven't cried like that in a year and eleven days... Crying so hard it hurts and I want to rip open my rib cage just to let myself breathe. Like my lips are bleeding from biting them so hard and I can't control myself. I'm so glad you didn't hear the worst of it. And I'm so sorry you heard a bit of it. I loved you more than I ever loved him and when he died I wanted to fall asleep on that beach and never let myself wake up. I refuse to do it again, you know that. It hurt once, it'll kill me if I have to do it again. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I love you. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I don't want to do this any more.
I'm not that strong. I'm too scared of growing up. It's pathetic, I know. Let me go? </3 |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
My first true love, was online.
:O |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
ditto. first and only so far. :rolleyes:
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
When i cut i hold the blade to my wrist and push down, then i chicken out... coward
I feel like im not attractive, i dont think im really ugly i think im just not good enough to be with anyone, not even just for my personality. :( Although sometimes i want to kill myself i wont because im too considerate for other people and deep down somewhere in me i would regret trying. I know most of my friends don't really like me, im about 99% sure they make fun of be worse behind my back then they do in reality :( |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I feel so dirty right now due to flashbacks that I am having urges to kill myself.
The flashbacks are that bad. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I wish I could be more honest with myself. :(
I hate living a lie - I want it to end! |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
You asked me how I knew all the right things to say you help you get over him. Its because I was having an on and off affair with him over the years you where together, I was in love with him too, and he broke my heart too.
I'll never tell you. But by helping you get over him, I feel somehow, less guilty. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I never thought it would come to this.
I still want to self destruct 12 stitches, 8 butterfly strips and 4 dressings later. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
Everytime that i see you, my heart starts to beat faster.
my palms begin to sweat and i feel as though my heart will come up from inside my body. i get nervous, and i feel as if i have to pee. :) i get dizzy and only think about your lips. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
i wish i would have told my mom that my stepdad was raping me years ago so that it wouldnt have continued and so that i would have had proof so that she would actually believe me now.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
1. I worry that all my friends are only pretending to like me.
2. I want to be a vet, but know I'll never get into uni. 3. I can't cope anymore. 4. I blame myself for Jet's death, and for his sire Isaac being depressed, (fave horses at riding school where I work). 5. I'm too afraid that I'll be found and recusitated, to attempt suicide. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
i still think about you everyday even though i try not to.
i still suck my thumb..... constantly... and i'm 16! |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I don't feel that guilty.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
-I prefer people who I talk to online, I hate my friend group most of the time, but I always seem to get on, and feel closer to online friends. Which is kind of sad.
-This is mean, i know...but I love it when bad things happen to this girl in my friend group. I enjoyed it when no one liked her and enjoyed it when she got conjunctivitis and couldn't see her other friends. I feel that way because of all the crap she has put me through, and I reckon she feels the same way about me. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
Some days I feel like she's right and I did make it up :.(
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I basically hate or dislike all my friends in my group from last year. I pretended to care when I never really did and pretended to like them. At times it was kind of obvious, but then they\'d forget about it. They were just so annoying, bitchy and stupid. I only hung out with them cause a few of them were in the same class as me. There going to be in for a shock when we go back to school and I sit with another group with one of my real bestfriends. And I\'ll enjoy every second of it. And oh and I\'m not going to your party, I lied and said I was busy but I\'m not I just don\'t like you that much or anyone you\'ve invited so I think it will be boring and I don\'t want to go cause I\'d rather be doing other things.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I like my new friends and how they\'re influencing me. I know she wouldn\'t like them and what they/we do, but I need it. I\'m confused about this whole love thing. I don\'t know who is right for me and who is wrong for me and whether I really want this to change. If it changes too radically I\'m scared that I\'ll do something stupid. These pills make me feel crazy and surreal.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I wish I could make myself throw up. Then maybe I wouldn\'t look so disgusting..
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
Not caring about my old friends is liberating, but only because now I don\'t have to fret about it not being reciprocated. This ship has set sail. :p
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I\'m not celebrating my birthday because I don\'t deserve anything.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I\'m scared as hell that, when my grandmother dies, I\'ll feel nothing.
I\'m not a bad person. Am I? |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
-Instead of asking my friends to stop cutting/start eating...I\'m asking them to stay out of hospital.
-Instead of people asking me to stop cutting/start eating...they\'re asking me to stay out of hospital. -I\'m scared. -I had a dream about one of my friends committing suicide last night, I\'m scared it might happen. -Even though I can see all of my ribs, I still think I\'m fat. |
Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I just can\'t be bothered anymore.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
Sometimes I want to die just to prove to everyone that I really was not needed. In the slightest.
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
I am silly to say this but i just cant forget anything about my ex.. i rememeber the goods and the bads.. well my bad my ex is miles away... but still i miss my ex..
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Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
ithink me saying goodbye to this world would be a second chance for my loved ones.
in therapy i rate my suicidal urges on a 0-5 scale. i\'m at a 5.5 |
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